The Great Heartland Biscuit Thread

Does exactly what it says on the tin. Some of the nonsense contained herein may be very loosely related to The Sisters of Mercy, but I wouldn't bet your PayPal account on it. In keeping with the internet's general theme nothing written here should be taken as Gospel: over three quarters of it is utter gibberish, and most of the forum's denizens haven't spoken to another human being face-to-face for decades. Don't worry your pretty little heads about it. Above all else, remember this: You don't have to stay forever. I will understand.
abridged
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EvilBastard wrote:Oh best beloveds, the time has come to share with you the most momentous news. Are you ready for this?

FUCT is pleased, proud, and honoured to announce that, in partnership with Netflix, it is sponsoring Vir Das' comedy special, "Vir Das: for India". In recognition of this, Mr Das has included in his routine an homage, not only to tea, but to the dunking of biscuits therein. Specifically, the Parle G biscuit which, in his benighted ignorance, he claims is the best biscuit in the world (sure, we gave them independence, but there was no effing way we were going to let them get their paws on Our Noble Bourbons, dammit!). While he is of course wrong, in this assessment, we here at FUCT recognise that he has to play to his home crowd.

Anyway, should you feel so inclined I heartily recommend this show to you, not only because of the biscuit-dunking material, but also the rest his stuff isn't bad either.
I feel a Mary Whitehouse moment coming on. Which is possibly the most disturbing thing I have ever written! :eek: :wink:
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EmmaPeelWannaBe
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Somewhat tangential - next wednesday, 5-February, is that most important day on the calendar - World Nutella Day.

Tho, personally I won't be combining the art of dunking with Nutella.
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Tinker
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https://www.cheshire-live.co.uk/whats-o ... e-17653642


Although, with toast and marmalade digestives, I wasn't sure whether this should be in the Bread Thread.[/url]
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Hmmm, Cheshire Live, I had better seek legal opinion as to whether people with Wirral roots are still allowed to read this post 1974.
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They're allowed to - whether they'd want to is a different matter.
Monstrous hell bride.
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Tinker
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To clarify, I'm not from Cheshire, I'm from St Helens. Our local paper doesn't carry biscuit news, just bin fires, stabbings and who's thrown themselves off the multi-storey car park this week.
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Swinnow
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The old Birkenhead News used to carry similar stories :(
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And you thought Trump was the worst the US could do. Ladies and gentlemen I give you biscuits specifically made for dunking! Is there no end to this perversity?!

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/02/06/styl ... fb-nytimes :eek: :eek:
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From Viz on the twitters
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Charlie
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Cat level trolling

:lol: :notworthy:
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Charlie wrote:Cat level trolling

:lol: :notworthy:
That is exactly the sort of thing my Polly would do :lol:
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EmmaPeelWannaBe
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Pista wrote:
Charlie wrote:Cat level trolling

:lol: :notworthy:
That is exactly the sort of thing my Polly would do :lol:
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Charlie
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EmmaPeelWannaBe wrote:
Pista wrote:
Charlie wrote:Cat level trolling

:lol: :notworthy:
That is exactly the sort of thing my Polly would do :lol:
Weird & Gilly as well. Monsters
Yep mine as well - pretty much all cats let's face it! :lol:

A dog would just gobble the lot, cat just nibbles each one and sits back smugly and watches you :lol:
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Just to confirm - my class stated that their least favourite biscuits were custard creams, followed by plain hobnobs.
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EvilBastard
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emilystrange wrote:Just to confirm - my class stated that their least favourite biscuits were custard creams, followed by plain hobnobs.
Custard Creams are Covid-19 in baked form, Nice biscuits are infused with SARS before they leave the factory, and it's a matter of public record that plain Hobnobs were Peter Sutcliffe's favourite bikkie.

On the other hand, when God rested on the 7th day She had a nice cuppa with plan chocolate digestives (dunked, natch), Bourbon's are on Public Health England's list of Protected Foodstuffs (limit 2 packets per customer, to prevent hoarding), and Garibaldi's have been taken on each and every single expedition sponsored by the British Antarctic Survey - Heroic Britons Get There With A Garibaldi.
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EvilBastard wrote:
Custard Creams are Covid-19 in baked form, Nice biscuits are infused with SARS before they leave the factory, and it's a matter of public record that plain Hobnobs were Peter Sutcliffe's favourite bikkie.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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ROBBIE
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emilystrange wrote:Just to confirm - my class stated that their least favourite biscuits were custard creams, followed by plain hobnobs.
No one can say that the children in this country are not getting a proper education :?
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‎Nikolas Vitus Lagartija wrote: On this day April 1st 1983, TSOM played in Scotland for the first time, at Glasgow Night Moves club. Sisters insider Ste Boydson takes up the tale. “In the dressing room beforehand, the band was getting stuck into the rider – Craig went straight for the Tennant’s Super Strong but Andrew was intrigued by the Tunnock’s teacakes, which were that time unavailable in England and much bigger than the jammy Jacob’s variety sold in multipacks down south. He was utterly fascinated by them, describing them “as wide as lover’s eyesâ€� – he always fancied himself as a bit of a poet – and literally ran for another before they all disappeared. He even insisted that we stop off at Uddingston on the way back to Yorkshire to buy some more from the factory shop the following day. Whilst Ben completed his homework in the back of the van and the rest of the band went for a crafty fag, Andrew gazed up at the factory façade and peering over his shades uttered the immortal words: “If Old Trafford is ‘the theatre of dreams’, this must be ‘the temple of love’.â€� Just then the back skies opened and we all ran for cover in the van. Months later, I asked if he’d finished the artwork for the new single, saying that fans had been amusing themselves working out where he’d nicked the previous cover images from – you know, Matisse for Alice, Bacon for Body Electric. Smoothing out the wrapper of the Tunnock’s teacake he’d just polished off with a cup of Earl Grey, he replied “Are they really? What a caper. I’ll fool them.â€�
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We've been dunking wrong this whole time.
Here's the science
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Charlie
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Pista wrote:We've been dunking wrong this whole time.
Here's the science
Flat dunking?! What foolery is this.

Never mind skimming the edge, just get it in there and stop messing about!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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mh
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Flat dunking????

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Trigonometry. It's a sin.
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Pista
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:lol:
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Cheers.
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Pista wrote:Uh oh!

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They won't live among us for long. While FUCT is maintaining social distancing, we've just received our shipment of 3m long Sticks Of Righteousness in order to discipline these miscreants appropriately.
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:lol:
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