... HSBC had been running a security check (long story) on my switch card and I was politely told after making a purchase where the vendor had to seek authority before processing the transaction, that I was to call my bank to clarify recent transactions and that my card would not be honoured until I spoke to them.
Ok, I thought, security is good and if it stops fraud it's no big deal. A simple phone call to clarify matters should be all it takes.
HA! HA! HA!
Having to repeat my card number THREE times to the idiot who answered the phone didn't get us of to a flyer but counting to ten helped. And then we ran the security checks ...
"Can you tell me the day and month of your birthday date?"
"02-07"
"That's not what we have ..."
"02 July ..."
"That's not what we have ..."
"What do you mean it's not what you have? I was born on the 2nd July ..."
"Maybe we can try another security question ...what's the issue number on the card?"
"6"
"That's not what we have ..."
"What?! I'm holding the card in my hand! It's 6!"
"That's not what your profile say ...OK, can you tell me your mobile number?"
"07777-77777777"
"That's not what we have ..."
(Losing it ...)
"What the fcuk are you talking about?! I was born on the 2nd July, the card issue is 6 and my mobile number is 07777-777777!!!"
... silence ...
"Maybe we can try your home telephone number ..?"
"01733-xxxxxx"
"Yes! That's correct ...how can I help?"
(Temperature rising ...)
"Hang on, I've failed 3 out of four security questions on my profile and you're now prepared to divulge information about my accounts with me?"
"Yes ..."
"Eventhough I've only answered ONE question correctly and to be perfectly frank I could be anybody ..?"
"Umm, yes ..."
(Penny dropping ...)
"And you're looking at MY profile ..?"
"Yes, I can see it is a joint account with Mrs JB surname but I'm looking at your profile ..."
"Which profile are your looking at ..?"
"Yours ..."
"And the christian name on my profile is ..?"
"FIONA"
"And my wifes ..?"
"JOHN"
"So let me get this straight ...you can't tell the gender difference between British christian names ..?"
"Yes, I can ..."
"Would it surprise you that John is male and Fiona is female? That for the past 10mins you've been asking me bollox questions regarding my wifes profile? And, having said that you were still prepared to provide confidential details based on my 25% success rate on the security questions ..?"
"Yes, yes, sorry Mr John JB surname ..."
"Ok ... I confirm that whatever transactions you're going to ask me about are correct without you actually asking me about them and wasting anymore of my time or phone bill. OK?"
"Yes, Mr John JB surname ..."
"You also confirm that you will re-activate my card within the next ten minutes ..."
"Yes, Mr John JB surname ..."
"Goodbye ..." (click)
FFS!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
The salesman at the car showroom had to wait on hold for around 20 minutes for security clearance on "a large amount of money" 
