long-distance relationships, do they work?

[Delilah]

I think long distance relationships work if you are both prepared to put in the effort - which thankfully we are

and some are not (we both know who I'm talking about BoF, sod them!!! ). But I would be willing to give long-term relationships another go if I could see it will be worth it in the end. As I said in another thread - it is better to regret the things you've done than regret you haven't done them!

[Delilah]

I think long distance relationships work if you are both prepared to put in the effort - which thankfully we are

and some are not (we both know who I'm talking about BoF, sod them!!! ). But I would be willing to give long-term relationships another go if I could see it will be worth it in the end. As I said in another thread - it is better to regret the things you've done than regret you haven't done them!

[smiscandlon]

Well. Despite my long-term relationship coming to a sticky end a while ago, it did start off as a (very successful) long-distance thing. We lived at opposite ends of the UK (Glasgow / Reading) for eight months before moving in together, and the relationship lasted for around nine very happy years.

I think a lot of it may depend where you each are in your lives (family, career etc.). In our case we were both sort of in flux, pretty much between jobs, so it was a convenient time for one or the other of us to move to be with the other. I think it may be a bit more problematic if you both have 'roots', be that family, close friends, work or whatever - then it becomes a much more serious decision to take a risk moving away in pursuit of a relationship.

Just dont rush into things. If the relationship has a future, it can wait a few months for you to get to know each other properly before making life-changing decisions. In my 'umble opinion, of course.

[timsinister]

If you are committed it will work - if you're not, it won't.

I don't think it's that clear-cut - problems are far greater in a long-distance relationship, and entirely new ones can arise as well.

Committment may be 110%, but it might collapse due to something cropping up with your partner which you can't do anything about because you are 'X' million miles away...and the cracks begin to show.

[Ocean Moves]

Internet can be quite evil though... You kind of feel commited to a person you chat every night too, but then you don't really know anything about them, thay may feed you lies without you realising it, you build up hopes and then end up getting hurt and disappointed... But I know a couple who met on a certain forum
and are happy together. Bless them
Internet helps if you met the person you are chatting to, and if you are far apart, it will definitely help your feelings grow. But I'd stay away from cyber-relationships.

meeting someone on the internet is one thing. Conducting a
significant proportion of your relationship through the net is another,
and best avoided IMO.
As for long distance relationships, I reckon they are fine.
but obviously you can't live together until one of you moves!

[boudicca]

meeting someone on the internet is one thing. Conducting a
significant proportion of your relationship through the net is another,
and best avoided IMO.

Amen.

[Scardwel]

Although I loathe to admit it, in my experience long-distance relationships simply just don't work. I've had 4 of them in the last 5 years, but none lasted longer than a year. The common denominator was I met all of them at concerts - is it just me or isn't this the best place to meet a potential partner, at a rocking gig, when you're both on a high and both up for "naughties" afterwards? It's certainly always worked for me. As for meeting people through work, forget it!
Anyway, for some reason I keep getting involved with women who live "out of town" but I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm just afraid of commitment - I've never done the "living together" thing with anyone - I'm happy enough being on my own (I'm told it's a Gemini trait).
And I've very recently started seeing someone* who lives 120 miles away. Will I ever learn? I doubt it.

*no it's no-one from Heartland, which makes a refreshing change.

[6FeetOver]

And I've very recently started seeing someone* who lives 120 miles away.

Erm, Scardy dear - 120 miles hardly constitutes "long distance", at least in my book.

[Mrs RicheyJames]

Essential.....the gene pool needs every bit of help it can get!

I know of at least three VERY long distance relationships - all met up through the internet. Can't see any difference where you met, be it in cyber space or on holiday or whatever. Takes more commitment (which is no bad thing in a relationship) and if you are the person who'd stray...you be the type of person who'd stray even if your partner lived two hundred yards down the road.

Internet can be quite evil though... You kind of feel commited to a person you chat every night too, but then you don't really know anything about them, thay may feed you lies without you realising it, you build up hopes and then end up getting hurt and disappointed... But I know a couple who met on a certain forum
and are happy together. Bless them
Internet helps if you met the person you are chatting to, and if you are far apart, it will definitely help your feelings grow. But I'd stay away from cyber-relationships.

Couldn't agree more with you Debs!

I've met two people who I had relationships with via the puter! One was a total and utter mistake, but that was more about where I was mentally at the time not about where I met him.......



The other????


Well. I married him and I couldn't be happier.

There was never this stigma about meeting up with penpals in the days before puters. It's the same thing is it not?

Me and Richey lived quite a distance apart, and it worked. But only for a few months as I up'd sticks and moved in with him!!

All the Best D. Without sounding like a proper girl. Follow your heart. If you're not happy with someone in the cyber world, you're not going to be happy in the really real world! As you know relationships take work and it's never easy. Long distance ones are twice as hard, but if it's both what you really really want </Spice Girls>, then these things have a habit of working out.

Things happen (or don't happen) for a reason!


</Sensible, grown-up posting>

<Opens a bottle of wine and starts swearing at people>


That's better!

[Mrs RicheyJames]

And I've very recently started seeing someone* who lives 120 miles away. Will I ever learn? I doubt it.

*no it's no-one from Heartland, which makes a refreshing change.

You two getting on ok then?

She rocks doesn't she?

[Scardwel]

Yes and yes!

[markfiend]

The only experience I have of long-distance relationships is a few school-friends who moved away to University, promising their various significant others that they'd stay together despite the long-distance thing.

Four of the five couples had split by Christmas, and the other split not long after.

Admittedly, this was many years ago, and moving away from someone is a bit different. And going to Uni is frequently used as an excuse to dump someone .

[_emma_]

Yes and yes!

I have no idea who you're talikng about but all the best to (both of) you, Scardwel.

[Eva]

I've had a long distance relationship which didn't work out, and a friend of mine had an LDR which did work out. Difference? I met the guy at a concert and we had no time to get to know each other and build up a stong enough commitment before we started the LD hassle. And we both had to struggle a lot to get the money together for regular flights Zurich - London or vice versa, while neither of us could move closer to the other within the forseeable future. Such a situation is bound to lead to conflicts I think, and it eventually led to the end in our case.

My friend had been together with her boyfriend for 8 years before he moved 1000 km north to take up a new job. They've had this LDR for 2 years before they could move to Georgia (ex UdSSR) together for new job purposes... But: as she was a flight attendant they had no problems regarding flights, because they both could fly very cheaply. And still: After these 2 years both were worn out, because they couldn't share their lives and daily experiences with each other as much as with other friends who were in the same cities, so they had grown apart somewhat and had to grow together again afterwards, which they did, because of the strong commitment.

So, yes, I also think it's a question of commitment, and of the time you have to build that up, in the best case _before_ the LD hassle starts.

And I also think that it is a lot easier if the long distance is within the same country than if you're living in two different countries, one of the reasons for this assumtion being language: You depend very much on your partner if you don't speak the language of the country he/she's living in and that can be a huge hassle for both.

[_emma_]

As for long-distance relationships, I reckon they're much better than short-distance relationships. But Internet relationships are even better.
Before some of you say I'm stupid, please consider that the starting point of this conclusion is the assumption that the vast majority of relationships are based on deceit (because if they weren't, they wouldn't exist at all), and it's so much more comfortable to deceive and to be deceived when there's some room in between us.

[Mrs RicheyJames]

As for long-distance relationships, I reckon they're much better than short-distance relationships. But Internet relationships are even better.
Before some of you say I'm stupid, please consider that the starting point of this conclusion is the assumption that the vast majority of relationships are based on deceit (because if they weren't, they wouldn't exist at all), and it's so much more comfortable to deceive and to be deceived when there's some room in between us.

What a happy way of looking at it!!

[Eva]

the vast majority of relationships are based on deceit (because if they weren't, they wouldn't exist at all), and it's so much more comfortable to deceive and to be deceived when there's some room in between us.

There goes a proper Sisters fan...

[timsinister]

Inspired, and realistic. Kudos, _emma_...but do you often find people that think the same?

[andymackem]

.... the vast majority of relationships are based on deceit ....

Maybe in your world, hopefully not in mine.

I might be cynical about relationships, but I could never imagine believing that.

[timsinister]

*shrug*

I don't know, Andy. I've found myself, and my friends, are more honest with each other than we are our partners. Probably because partner's can be more offended by something your friends would brush off, so you watch and control what you say.

[straylight]

Rather long distance than the too close 'do you have to breathe like that?' thing from my point of view.

I like long distance. It's nice to look forward to seeing someone rather than hate their little habits.

I am sure the two timing so and so I had my last to do with would have been just as unreliable close up.

I think a lot of couple stuff is for show to be honest. If you have good communication & trust distance is no object. If you don't, it's probably better to be far away...

Ooh, I've gone all Aunty Stray...

[doc P]

Bristol - Essen, worked for 1.5 yrs when i was 20 yrs old

[mik]

I would imagine that it would ultimately depend on the physical - all right sexual - aspect or focus of the relationship. If its all ethereal pseudo-intellectual debate and nervous knee touching then maybe you'll be ok; if its more like "How many times can we make the beast with the two backs / the beast with one back and an interestingly shaped middle in any given 48 hour period (and with how many people)" then I suspect not.

Speaking for myself I was far too selfish to even talk to most of the girls I went to bed with so you can imagine the sort of telephone calls I'd be having with a long distance girlfriend....

<click> brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

All a bit different now of course

[canon docre]

"How many times can we make the beast with the two backs / the beast with one back and an interestingly shaped middle in any given 48 hour period (and with how many people)" then I suspect not.

LMAO

Good point though, Mik.

[andymackem]

*shrug*

I don't know, Andy. I've found myself, and my friends, are more honest with each other than we are our partners. Probably because partner's can be more offended by something your friends would brush off, so you watch and control what you say.

Really? How depressing!

Nothing personal, but I hate to be in a relationship where I couldn't be honest with someone (and I use 'relationship' in its broadest social, professional and romantic senses).

I accept it can be inevitable and I can and do bite my tongue in certain circumstances, but I don't think I could handle a lover with whom I didn't feel confident of being able to express myself fully.

Maybe my standards are too high. Again.

@ mik

Though you can surely understand the thrill of the first raindrop which signals the end of the drought, even if you prefer not to live in the desert?