Gah, don't get me started on weird mail. Working in a bank's complaints department you wouldn't believe some of the things that cross my desk. Some of it amusing rather than scary though...
Like the guy who wanted to exchange his patent ideas for "a house worth at least £10,000". I mean, who wouldn't want an "Igloo board game with matching curtains"? Or "rhubarb flavoured pop"?
Or there was the guy who said we were making him "to go on a wild goose chase and/or chasing me round the mulberry bush". I think he was the same guy that said he was "caught between the devil and the dark blue sea".
Or the chap who really just wanted "to ask your good man to sort out why this mambo-jambo happen on my account".
I could fill pages with this stuff.....
Isn't it odd what you sometimes get in the post?
- smiscandlon
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анархия
- markfiend
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OK, I'll do a trancription for those who can't read the handwriting:
Well, it all makes perfect sense now, yes?
I think there's probably some woman called Mary somewhere wondering why she's had a letter of complaint about a ring-tone not turning up...
(spelling and punctuation sic throughout.)some random nutter wrote:17/5/06
Dear Mary
I was one of twelve children, we lived on a small farm and our living depended upon it.
Father and Mother kept us under control by the use of the rod, stick, we lived in fear of it. Go back eighty years 80. The school master, kept us under control by the use of the rod, stick, cane, and we lived in fear of it therefore we tryed our best to obey.
During my teens for myself I lived in fear of the birch the cat of nine tails which could leave marks on the back for life, and whosoever put a human to death, by man was she or he put to death.
These great and very wise deterrents kept the peoples under reasonable controll..
The Government, should get back to the Holy Scriptures for instruction in righteousness, and not lean on their own understanding.
Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child, the rod of correction will drive it far from him, mere words will not train a child, they listen but will not obey.
He that spareth his rod hateth his son; but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. PROVERBS 13 v 24.
So try and inform the Government. With hold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. PROVERBS 23 v 13-14.
Therefore hath the curse devoured the earth, and they that dwell therein are desolate: therefore the inhabitants of the earth are burned, and few men left. ISAIAH 24 v 5-6
The reason PTO
[page 2]
The earth also is defiled under the inhabitants thereof; because they have transgressed the laws, changed the ordinance, broken the everlasting covenant. Therefore hath the curse devoured the earth, and they that dwell therein are desolate: therefor the inhabitants of the earth are burned and few men left.
PS.
This Government pays an old age pensioner how much. £[scribble] pounds per week, but provides £90,000 a year to care for a serial rapist, and £20,000 a week for a footballer playing games.
Governments have shifted so far away from the LORD GOD's holy commandments, we are almost at the gates of SODOM.
Pleas get a copy of this letter out to all branches. K Taylor
GENESIS 9 v 6.
I picked up a newspaper.
TWO JAGS, THREE HOMES.
£57,000 housing expenses
£130,000 salary. What a socialist.! JOHN PRESCOTT.
GOD has no respect of persons
Please read ISAIAH 24 v 5-6 ZECHARIAH 14 v 2 MALACHI 4 v 1 ST PETER 3 v 10
(Time is running out)
K Taylorite
Well, it all makes perfect sense now, yes?
I think there's probably some woman called Mary somewhere wondering why she's had a letter of complaint about a ring-tone not turning up...
The fundamental cause of the trouble is that in the modern world the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.
—Bertrand Russell
—Bertrand Russell
- if only it were possible. It's actually scary and creepy that there are people like this out there.
I'd like to see how K Taylorite manages without running water and electricity too.
I'd like to see how K Taylorite manages without running water and electricity too.
If I told them once, I told them a hundred times to put 'Spinal Tap' first and 'Puppet Show' last.
- markfiend
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The biblical quotes are all from the King James Version (naturally) -- although the Isaiah reference at the bottom of the first page is just verse 6; the full verse 5&6 credited are repeated at the top of page 2.
The passages in the red ink section:
Genesis 9:6
Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made he man.
Isaiah 24:5-6 is cited in the letter.
Zechariah 14:2
For I will gather all nations against Jerusalem to battle; and the city shall be taken, and the houses rifled, and the women ravished; and half of the city shall go forth into captivity, and the residue of the people shall not be cut off from the city.
Malachi 4:1
For, behold, the day cometh, that shall burn as an oven; and all the proud, yea, and all that do wickedly, shall be stubble: and the day that cometh shall burn them up, saith the LORD of hosts, that it shall leave them neither root nor branch.
St Peter 3:10 (1 Peter or 2 Peter?)
1 Peter 3:10
For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:
2 Peter 3:10
But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night; in the which the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up. (I'm guessing that one...)
Cheerful sort, eh?
The passages in the red ink section:
Genesis 9:6
Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made he man.
Isaiah 24:5-6 is cited in the letter.
Zechariah 14:2
For I will gather all nations against Jerusalem to battle; and the city shall be taken, and the houses rifled, and the women ravished; and half of the city shall go forth into captivity, and the residue of the people shall not be cut off from the city.
Malachi 4:1
For, behold, the day cometh, that shall burn as an oven; and all the proud, yea, and all that do wickedly, shall be stubble: and the day that cometh shall burn them up, saith the LORD of hosts, that it shall leave them neither root nor branch.
St Peter 3:10 (1 Peter or 2 Peter?)
1 Peter 3:10
For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:
2 Peter 3:10
But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night; in the which the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up. (I'm guessing that one...)
Cheerful sort, eh?
The fundamental cause of the trouble is that in the modern world the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.
—Bertrand Russell
—Bertrand Russell
- markfiend
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I've just noticed: my nutter seems to be under the impression that the government pays professional footballers...
And the "K Taylorite" signature looks to have been gone over; it's signed "K Taylor" before the red ink section.
And the "K Taylorite" signature looks to have been gone over; it's signed "K Taylor" before the red ink section.
The fundamental cause of the trouble is that in the modern world the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.
—Bertrand Russell
—Bertrand Russell
- Black_Dahlia
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I work for Channel Four - we had letters from Jesus and Satan in the same week.
Apparently Satan "will be in touch" ...
Apparently Satan "will be in touch" ...
- markfiend
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You should have written back and given each the other's address.Beth wrote:we had letters from Jesus and Satan in the same week.
The fundamental cause of the trouble is that in the modern world the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.
—Bertrand Russell
—Bertrand Russell
- Black_Dahlia
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Yeah - Jesus said everything was going according to plan and not to worry. I didnt see what colour biro he used.
Green I suspect !
Green I suspect !
Hell is other people.
- Obviousman
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Yikes indeed.
We used to have a stack of old odd letters around as well, one was - as we lived in the former Greek Embassy in Antwerp at the time - some weirdo with a claim to the Belgian throne (that must be around here still and in English IIRC, I'll look that one up was quite funny) complete with family tree and all Then some wierd African fellows wrote mails asking for money ('Uncle such-and-so he called himself ) and even more
More recently, someone has started to put little strips of paper in people's mailboxes around here titled 'Jij doet er niet toe' (you don't matter) with tips for life Just had a new one (number four): Initiative doesn't come by itself, but from yourself.
Well, it's something new, I guess
We used to have a stack of old odd letters around as well, one was - as we lived in the former Greek Embassy in Antwerp at the time - some weirdo with a claim to the Belgian throne (that must be around here still and in English IIRC, I'll look that one up was quite funny) complete with family tree and all Then some wierd African fellows wrote mails asking for money ('Uncle such-and-so he called himself ) and even more
More recently, someone has started to put little strips of paper in people's mailboxes around here titled 'Jij doet er niet toe' (you don't matter) with tips for life Just had a new one (number four): Initiative doesn't come by itself, but from yourself.
Well, it's something new, I guess
- markfiend
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That sounds almost as if it could be a performance art piece.Obviousman wrote:More recently, someone has started to put little strips of paper in people's mailboxes around here titled 'Jij doet er niet toe' (you don't matter) with tips for life Just had a new one (number four): Initiative doesn't come by itself, but from yourself.
The fundamental cause of the trouble is that in the modern world the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.
—Bertrand Russell
—Bertrand Russell
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Maybe it is just an ad for an evangelistic caravan passing by one of the days, MarkFiend!
IZ.
IZ.
- Obviousman
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I think you might be on to something as they've been chalking their URL, 'Goodday!' (RE their first tip, 'This morning someone wished me a good day, the rest of my day was good') on the sidewalks around heremarkfiend wrote:That sounds almost as if it could be a performance art piece.Obviousman wrote:More recently, someone has started to put little strips of paper in people's mailboxes around here titled 'Jij doet er niet toe' (you don't matter) with tips for life Just had a new one (number four): Initiative doesn't come by itself, but from yourself.
- canon docre
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'Performance Art Piece'? I think not. In my "rascal"-days, me and my mates painted explicit pics of the organs on sheets of papers and put it in other people mailboxes. signed by "The Black Avenger will get you"Obviousman wrote:I think you might be on to something as they've been chalking their URL, 'Goodday!' (RE their first tip, 'This morning someone wished me a good day, the rest of my day was good') on the sidewalks around heremarkfiend wrote:That sounds almost as if it could be a performance art piece.Obviousman wrote:More recently, someone has started to put little strips of paper in people's mailboxes around here titled 'Jij doet er niet toe' (you don't matter) with tips for life Just had a new one (number four): Initiative doesn't come by itself, but from yourself.
oh the shame.
Put their heads on f*cking pikes in front of the venue for all I care.
- markfiend
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Well, you see, I would call that "performance art"!canon docre wrote:In my "rascal"-days, me and my mates painted explicit pics of the organs on sheets of papers and put it in other people mailboxes. signed by "The Black Avenger will get you"
oh the shame.
The fundamental cause of the trouble is that in the modern world the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.
—Bertrand Russell
—Bertrand Russell
- Obviousman
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The least you could've done was putting a bit of meat in the mailbox as well. Hmmm, dinner
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Which organs? Hammond or Yamaha?canon docre wrote:In my "rascal"-days, me and my mates painted explicit pics of the organs on sheets of papers and put it in other people mailboxes.
I worked one summer in the admissions office at Leeds Poly (when it was still a poly, rather than it's current incarnation as an a-poly-gy for a university), and we got the most marvellous letters from people wanting prospecti. A lot of them would open with "Most gracious and esteemed Officer of Admissions" or "It is with great humility that I submit my letter for your exalted attentions". They would then go on to tell their life stories, generally involving grinding poverty, parental sacrifice so that they could go to school, and their dream of attending an English university. In closing, most of them expressed a heartfelt desire to receive a prospectus and that the receipt of same would mark a highpoint in their lives.
We decided that there must be one copy of an etiquette book being circulated around rural Ghana, written by some well-meaning missionary in about 1873, and it was being used as the basis for these letters. The language used really was magical - you could imagine this guy sitting there, putting his heart into writing a letter in order to receive information about a seat of learning that he could probably never afford to go to, but that represented an unattainable dream for him. Kind of humbling, really. Much better than the illiterate rubbish we got from other places: "Dear Leeds Polytechnic. Please send me a brochure. I live in Tyneside. Thanks." No name, no address, written in a mixture of block capitals and script.
"I won't go down in history, but I probably will go down on your sister."
Hank Moody
Hank Moody
And they all grew up to be bank officials who manage the account of the President/King/wealthy businessman/whatever who has just died in a mysterious accident without making a will, right?EvilBastard wrote:Which organs? Hammond or Yamaha?canon docre wrote:In my "rascal"-days, me and my mates painted explicit pics of the organs on sheets of papers and put it in other people mailboxes.
I worked one summer in the admissions office at Leeds Poly (when it was still a poly, rather than it's current incarnation as an a-poly-gy for a university), and we got the most marvellous letters from people wanting prospecti. A lot of them would open with "Most gracious and esteemed Officer of Admissions" or "It is with great humility that I submit my letter for your exalted attentions". They would then go on to tell their life stories, generally involving grinding poverty, parental sacrifice so that they could go to school, and their dream of attending an English university. In closing, most of them expressed a heartfelt desire to receive a prospectus and that the receipt of same would mark a highpoint in their lives.
We decided that there must be one copy of an etiquette book being circulated around rural Ghana, written by some well-meaning missionary in about 1873, and it was being used as the basis for these letters. The language used really was magical - you could imagine this guy sitting there, putting his heart into writing a letter in order to receive information about a seat of learning that he could probably never afford to go to, but that represented an unattainable dream for him. Kind of humbling, really. Much better than the illiterate rubbish we got from other places: "Dear Leeds Polytechnic. Please send me a brochure. I live in Tyneside. Thanks." No name, no address, written in a mixture of block capitals and script.
If I told them once, I told them a hundred times to put 'Spinal Tap' first and 'Puppet Show' last.
A few years ago some graffiti started appearing on various sites around Glasgow, not sure if this one is still there on Argyll street (finnieston-partick end) - "- - - - No.4 - If I am asked by another tourist to take their picture I will deliberately cut their heads out of the picture frame"
some of it was pretty funny, while the rest was just stupid ranting
some of it was pretty funny, while the rest was just stupid ranting
No definitely not.......you'd have got stabbed in those areas I saw 'emboudicca wrote:
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Glasgow - The Friendly City
Ma 'Erse!
Ma 'Erse!
"And when you start to think about death, you start to think about what's after it. And then you start hoping there is a God. For me, it's a frightening thought to go nowhere".
~ Peter Steele
~ Peter Steele
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I liked Glasgow Smiles BetterJames Blast wrote:Glasgow - The Friendly City
Ma 'Erse!
As Ann Marie said "Apart from you f**king lot!"
‎"We will wear some very loud shirts. We will wear some very wrong trousers."