My cat got hit by a car monday night and was taken from me. Many will say he was just a cat, but to me he was so much more. I truly loved that cat more than I thought possible.
There were times he could attack me for no reason, or be quite restless. But the times he was the sweetest cat in the world, lying on me for cuddles like a little baby, makes up for all the times he did scare me abit. I could notice very quick when he was in one of his moods, and ofcourse, claws hurt.
Many has said over and over, that I spoiled him. And looking back now, I hope they were right, I did all I could for him, to make him happy.
I am gutted, and still extremely sad. But also some sort of guilt feeling, that I could have stopped it. The thing is, Im 30 years old, and this is actually the first pet I have ever lost. (accept 2 gold fish when I was ten)
The first real close anyone Ive lost, so Im not used to handling this kind of sadness. (other sadness is another story) I did lose my grandpa some time ago, but I did not know him that well. I had not seen him for 15 or so years.
On monday night, I was out taking some pictures with my new camera and playing around. I noticed that Buster was almost strangely calm, and took a picture of him on his new found spot. He was lying on a old tree trunk, he had never been on before. He stayed there for a long time. And I went back in, thinking it was nice to see him so relaxed and content. I started to watch a movie and thought that he would probably stay out quite long this time, with the nice weather we finally had.
We just moved to a new place, that sadly is right smack next to the road. But being naive, I thought It would be ok, seeing as Buster has always been abit of a scared cat, he runs if someone comes on a bike. I could not keep him inside either, he would not be happy being inside all the time. Mistake number 1.
While watching the movie, I heard a car running outside, and then spinning off in high speed. Not the first time Ive heard that, so I didnt give it much notice. Mistake number 2. I went out to have a cigarette, thinking Buster has been gone abit too long. (he usually is back within 2 hours, and then he is gone long) I decide to glance at the driveway with a knot in my tummy, not seeing anything there, and got quite relieved. But when it had been 3 or 4 hours, since I had seen him, I opened the main door, and saw him. The sweet thing, he was just lying on the sidewalk. What I saw was the black shape of him, and just knew. I ran downstairs in panic, and my boyfriend had to go confirm it was him. He also stopped me from going close to look and see for myself, which Im very happy he did. From what he said Buster looked like, I am glad I did not see that. But he also said he must have died fast, he had not moved or dragged himself anywhere.
Then there were hours of trying to figure out what to do, neither of us wanted to go remove him. And no one wanted to or could help us at that time, but thankfully my boyfriend stepped up again, and put him in his blanket and then his box. My brother came later to take him to the vet for cremation. I could not bear to go see that box before they left.
Now Im stuck with the image of him lying there, looking like he was sleeping, saw him from the back, not front. I can not shake it. And to know that I actually heard it happen is killing me!!!! What if I would have gone out right away and checked, is there something I could have done? I feel so damn guilty. Also cause he was lying there for so long, all alone.
I can not believe he is gone, the first day I could just not accept it. I still feel like hes gonna come to the door at any second. But then again, the house feel so different now, so quiet. I can not get myself to remove his things. His food and water bowl are still standing in their spot. His toy and scratching post. But I am noticing now that it is not healthy for me to leave it. I think I will try to remove it tomorrow. It is hard, so hard to accept that he is really gone, and will not come running back because it is raining or hes hungry..
Sad but true, I think it might have happened cause he was very happy moving here, and started to feel very at home. And then decided to expand his territory, sadly he went the wrong way and just abit too far.
There... I just had vent that, do with his post whatever you wish.
RIP Buster 1.04.2001 - 5.07.2010
Last picture taken short time before he was taken.
Sometimes I still ask myself what may happen, was he just leaving to another place to live or was it an accident - nothing left but trembling uncertainty. I still hope he just decided to pass on cause he kind of "adopted us" in the first place so maybe that was his nature. It was a blacky, too btw.
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