The Great Heartland Biscuit Thread™

[Charlie]

Extremely technical dunking investigation!

[mh]

This is important research.

[EvilBastard]

Extremely technical dunking investigation!

This raises a number of important issues:

First and foremost, what the actual fuck were you doing reading the Daily Mail website? Mods, do we need to stage an intervention?

2. What were the parameters of the test? Since a key part of scientific research is a process' "repeatability", how was this experiment performed? As vice-chair of committee for the Inaugural Heartland User & Biscuit Connoisseur Conference (there are still some tickets available, don't delay!) we may need to dedicate at least 2 break-out sessions to dunking research.

3. The fact that Jammy Dodgers were included in this test indicates a lack of serious scientific methodology - did they just send some YTS johnnie down to Asda to get some biccies? What kinds of consideration went into the selection? The article is strangely silent on this - I suspect some Daily Mail-esque right-wing populist bias.

4. Can there now be any question as to whether Bourbons are the undisputed King Of Biscuits?

[Charlie]

Extremely technical dunking investigation!

This raises a number of important issues:

First and foremost, what the actual fuck were you doing reading the Daily Mail website? Mods, do we need to stage an intervention?

I would hasten to point out, i DO NOT read the daily mail! Came across it from another link, so you can sleep easy tonight!

[markfiend]

what the actual fuck were you doing reading the Daily Mail website? Mods, do we need to stage an intervention?

Some people I know, of a leftwing bent, troll the Mail Online comments sections, so, you know, there are legitimate reasons to go on there.

[markfiend]

Forgive, my, abuse, of, the, humble, comma, I've, turned, into, Bill, Shatner.

[EvilBastard]

what the actual fuck were you doing reading the Daily Mail website? Mods, do we need to stage an intervention?

Some people I know, of a leftwing bent, troll the Mail Online comments sections, so, you know, there are legitimate reasons to go on there.

It's an edge case, but I'll allow it just this once.

Although...if your left wing is bent then either you're a particularly niche Trotskyite political organisation, or you're just going to fly around in circles.

[abridged]

Dunking is worse than the Daily Mail.

[EmmaPeelWannaBe]

Dunking is worse than the Daily Mail.

Them is fightin' words. I'm now off to the market to get some biscuits (tho not bourbons, I prefer the risk/reward of dunking digestives) and plan to spend the rest of my day indiscriminately dunking.

[Pista]

Dunking is becoming the biscuit world's YCBTO

[EvilBastard]

Dunking is becoming the biscuit world's YCBTO

YCBTO=Your Choccie Biccie, Tea Opportunities

[Pista]

[Charlie]

Ok, so there are those that dunk and those that do not. Fair enough.

But what about microwave tea?

It has come to my attention today that some people i know partake in the heinous activity of making tea in the microwave, this is the worst thing yet!

[EvilBastard]

But what about microwave tea?

It has come to my attention today that some people i know partake in the heinous activity of making tea in the microwave, this is the worst thing yet!

There is no pit so deep, no torture so depraved, so punishment so inhumane as will suffice for people who microwave tea.

Offenders fall broadly into 2 camps - those who microwave a mug full of water and then put the teabag in, and those who fill a mug with cold water, add the teabag, and then microwave it.

Those in the first group can be re-educated. It isn't a short process, and it is not what I would describe as painless, but it can be done. Assuming that they survive, in 5 years or so they may be trusted to make tea properly, under supervision (and we'd like to thank the government of Turkey for donating to us a large number of slightly-used electro-shock batons - their generosity means that we will be able to double the number of supervisors over the next fiscal year), while in 10 years the process should be complete and they can rejoin society as happy (if a little scarred, and they might jump at loud noises), productive, property-tea-making people.

For the people in the second group I'm afraid there is no hope. They will be cast out into the howling wastes along with former tory cabinet ministers, estate agents, used car salesmen and over-zealous customs officers, there to wander the rest of their days, shunned by decent people.

[EmmaPeelWannaBe]

But what about microwave tea?

It has come to my attention today that some people i know partake in the heinous activity of making tea in the microwave, this is the worst thing yet!

There is no pit so deep, no torture so depraved, so punishment so inhumane as will suffice for people who microwave tea.

Offenders fall broadly into 2 camps - those who microwave a mug full of water and then put the teabag in, and those who fill a mug with cold water, add the teabag, and then microwave it.

Those in the first group can be re-educated. It isn't a short process, and it is not what I would describe as painless, but it can be done. Assuming that they survive, in 5 years or so they may be trusted to make tea properly, under supervision (and we'd like to thank the government of Turkey for donating to us a large number of slightly-used electro-shock batons - their generosity means that we will be able to double the number of supervisors over the next fiscal year), while in 10 years the process should be complete and they can rejoin society as happy (if a little scarred, and they might jump at loud noises), productive, property-tea-making people.

For the people in the second group I'm afraid there is no hope. They will be cast out into the howling wastes along with former tory cabinet ministers, estate agents, used car salesmen and over-zealous customs officers, there to wander the rest of their days, shunned by decent people.

Then there are the people who put the milk in while the tea bag is still in the cup. What is to be done with them?

[EvilBastard]

Then there are the people who put the milk in while the tea bag is still in the cup. What is to be done with them?

Alas, for these people nothing can be done. They are irredeemable, too lost even to be cast out. All we can do is pray for their immortal souls, and that gods herselves will not be too harsh on them in the afterlife. I do hear, though, that She has been in discussions with Hieronymous Bosch about how to create some of the things that he painted, so the future may not be looking altogether rosy for these people.

[Charlie]

But what about microwave tea?

It has come to my attention today that some people i know partake in the heinous activity of making tea in the microwave, this is the worst thing yet!

There is no pit so deep, no torture so depraved, so punishment so inhumane as will suffice for people who microwave tea.

Offenders fall broadly into 2 camps - those who microwave a mug full of water and then put the teabag in, and those who fill a mug with cold water, add the teabag, and then microwave it.

Those in the first group can be re-educated. It isn't a short process, and it is not what I would describe as painless, but it can be done. Assuming that they survive, in 5 years or so they may be trusted to make tea properly, under supervision (and we'd like to thank the government of Turkey for donating to us a large number of slightly-used electro-shock batons - their generosity means that we will be able to double the number of supervisors over the next fiscal year), while in 10 years the process should be complete and they can rejoin society as happy (if a little scarred, and they might jump at loud noises), productive, property-tea-making people.

For the people in the second group I'm afraid there is no hope. They will be cast out into the howling wastes along with former tory cabinet ministers, estate agents, used car salesmen and over-zealous customs officers, there to wander the rest of their days, shunned by decent people.

I knew you would not let me down!

[markfiend]

I... What? People microwave tea?



If you're without a kettle, in extremis, you boil water in a pan, like a civilised human being!

[Charlie]

I... What? People microwave tea?



If you're without a kettle, in extremis, you boil water in a pan, like a civilised human being!

I know right!

But there are people that do this - and not because they are without kettle or it has broken.

They do this ALL THE TIME!!

[Pista]

I... What? People microwave tea?

Heathens

[abridged]

I... What? People microwave tea?

Heathens

Bosch never imagined such hellish behaviour. Dunking and Boiling. The world is doomed.

[EvilBastard]

I... What? People microwave tea?

Heathens

Bosch never imagined such hellish behaviour. Dunking and Boiling. The world is doomed.

Interestingly enough, dunking and boiling is precisely the punishment that we here at the Fundamentalist Unified Church Of Tea-preparation (FUCT) would like to see inflicted upon people who microwave tea. Our shock troops are ready to kick down doors and drag people from their beds in order to make this a Land Fit For Heroes. We storm in, locate the miscreant microwaving tea, shout "We're from FUCT, and you're proper fucked!" and then drag him/her away into an unmarked van.

We welcome volunteers to join our ranks - spiffy uniforms, team-building weekends, and regular socials - also a discount on Fortnum's Tea Of The Month club, so there's that.

[Pista]

[EmmaPeelWannaBe]

Heathens

Bosch never imagined such hellish behaviour. Dunking and Boiling. The world is doomed.

Interestingly enough, dunking and boiling is precisely the punishment that we here at the Fundamentalist Unified Church Of Tea-preparation (FUCT) would like to see inflicted upon people who microwave tea. Our shock troops are ready to kick down doors and drag people from their beds in order to make this a Land Fit For Heroes. We storm in, locate the miscreant microwaving tea, shout "We're from FUCT, and you're proper fucked!" and then drag him/her away into an unmarked van.

We welcome volunteers to join our ranks - spiffy uniforms, team-building weekends, and regular socials - also a discount on Fortnum's Tea Of The Month club, so there's that.

Are there tshirts? Something along the line of FUCT me and marry me young?

[EvilBastard]

Bosch never imagined such hellish behaviour. Dunking and Boiling. The world is doomed.

Interestingly enough, dunking and boiling is precisely the punishment that we here at the Fundamentalist Unified Church Of Tea-preparation (FUCT) would like to see inflicted upon people who microwave tea. Our shock troops are ready to kick down doors and drag people from their beds in order to make this a Land Fit For Heroes. We storm in, locate the miscreant microwaving tea, shout "We're from FUCT, and you're proper fucked!" and then drag him/her away into an unmarked van.

We welcome volunteers to join our ranks - spiffy uniforms, team-building weekends, and regular socials - also a discount on Fortnum's Tea Of The Month club, so there's that.

Are there tshirts? Something along the line of FUCT me and marry me young?

Of course there'll be t-shirts! What, you think we were like some bands that only put out albums and leave their fans without a stitch to wear?

You'll find them on the merch stand at the conference. We're hoping to get Andrea White to do the Head On The Star holding a steaming cuppa, but that may not happen.