That tour meeting in full
The scene : The Shearton, Antwerp. Besuited diamond dealers eye a couple of dishevelled rockers suspiciously in the lounge bar as the tuxedoed resident pianist, Dr Jeep, plays on (and on).
Enter stage left a small gaunt man in his mid fifties wearing a totenkopf bandana and a pair of raybans.
Von : Wotcha !
B + C : (rapidly rising) Good afternoon, your lordship.
Von : OK, Spiggy XIV is running short of Kitecat. Any ideas ?
B : We could record a new album ?
(C and Von splutter into their Earl Grey)
Von : With what ? Have either of you written any songs ?
B : Well I’ve got one. It’s called “Gonna Rock You All Night Long, Baby�.
C : I’ve written one too. “Why is Snot Always Green ?�
Von : Hmm. Probably better suited to your day jobs. Anyway, I’ve got a new song. It’s called Writer’s Block.
C (under his breath) : About bloody time ! (aloud) How does it go ?
Von : I haven’t got any lyrics or music yet. I was thinking of just uploading the title to the website, y’know, to keep the fans happy ‘n all that. (pauses) Are you two sniggering ?
B + C : (panicking) : No, your lordship, no !
Von : (sighs) I suppose we’ll have to do another tour.
C : Great. I’ll get onto it. I assume it’s like last time. Only former industrial plants like gasometers, steelworks, slaughterhouses, that type of thing.
Von : Erm, no. I’m not planning on having to tour again in the next five years. Just book the places with the biggest amount of goth mug-punters where we’re bound to draw a decent crowd.
B : You mean Leeds ?
Von : Yes
C : And Rock City, C-Halle.
Von : Exactly.
B : Glasgow !
Von : Oh yes
C : Belgium !
B : What, all of it ?
Von : Pretty much, yeah. Charge the venues £40 grand a night.
C : But what if a venue only holds a thousand people.
Von : Then charge them £40 a head. The Belgians’ll pay it, you mark my words.
B : Just one problem, boss. What will we play ?
Von : The usual crap. They lap it up. (laughs at own joke)
B : But won’t people say it’s just a nostalgia act ?
Von : Hmmm. Perhaps we could change things a little.
B : We could speed up a slow song and slow down a fast one !
Von : Brilliant idea.
B : Segue two old songs together to make a new one.
Von : Great, that’s three new songs already.
C : And do a new cover version.
Von : What
You expect ME to learn a new song ?!?
C (furiously backtracking) : Of course not, your lordship. Ben and me will just do another instrumental.
Von : Good idea - I’m not sure that my voice is up to a full set these days.
C : I could do even more of the vocals myself !
Von : Is your middle name Wayne ? No way, I am The Sisters of Mercy.
B (trying to be helpful) : We could get in a random female singer songwriter to warble a couple of the old songs you’re fed up with for a mid-set break.
Von : Now that’s a better idea. The only downside with touring is having to deal with the press
C : Ben and I could the interviews.
B : Yes, listen to this (adopts interview voice) : “We’re always writing and laying down new tracks in the studio. I’m sure some of the will see the light of day. We’ll probably give them away for free to our loyal fans in dribs and drabs.�
C : But that’s lying !
B : No, I just whispered the words “With my other band� very quietly at the beginning of the sentence !
Von : I can’t sit here listening to this all day. I’ve an Italian Futurist exhibition to go to. And don’t forget to order double the usual amount of dry ice. I don’t want to have to see any of the punters. See you at Suikerrock !