The Great Heartland Biscuit Thread™

[Swinnow]

@EPWB - Next time you're in olde Englande I'll buy you a teapot my friend

[Debaser]

Have always wondered has anyone actually ever eaten Shortbread willingly and not at Christmas? Generations of little kids traumatised by being forced to eat this bland biscuit/cake mix...

Blasphemy! Shortbread- 3 ingredients: the perfect ratio of butter to sugar and flour to make it all stick together. It holds up well when dunked in a cuppa. And is even available shaped like scottie dogs!

If fact, shortbread represents the high-point of biscuit technology.

Dunked Shortbread???!!! The horror! If there was a Geneva Biscuit Convention it would be surely a war-crime!

Shortbread can only be dunked in a milky coffee or a big glass of cold, cold milk.

[Debaser]

Oh - and Timtams all the way from Oz.

Have you tried the Tim Tam Slam yet?

No but am always willing. Explain further

[Pista]

Oh - and Timtams all the way from Oz.

Have you tried the Tim Tam Slam yet?

No but am always willing. Explain further

Righto. You will need a Tim Tam & your hot beverage of choice.
Bite the opposite, diagonal corners off the Tim Tam.
Dunk one bitten off corner into the beverage & suck as hard as you can on the other bitten off corner.
Once you feel the Tim Tam has reached optimal saturation, cram that sucker into your gob & let it melt.
There is a pretty amusing wikihow page on this with diagrams if you need additional directions

[Debaser]

Have you tried the Tim Tam Slam yet?

No but am always willing. Explain further

Righto. You will need a Tim Tam & your hot beverage of choice.
Bite the opposite, diagonal corners off the Tim Tam.
Dunk one bitten off corner into the beverage & suck as hard as you can on the other bitten off corner.
Once you feel the Tim Tam has reached optimal saturation, cram that sucker into your gob & let it melt.
There is a pretty amusing wikihow page on this with diagrams if you need additional directions

Ahhhhhhh - I do this with Twix. I am ahead of my time

[EmmaPeelWannaBe]

@EPWB - Next time you're in olde Englande I'll buy you a teapot my friend

Lol - filled with G&T?

[EvilBastard]

Some of our tea bags have been misbehaving.

It seems that Yorkshire tea-bags are so rock that the tea wants to get out of the bag to deliver a good kicking to the miscreants who attempt to put the milk in before removing the bag (or something. tl;dr)

[markfiend]

Tea is serious business in Yarkshire

[Swinnow]

The previous Ms Swinnow is a Lancastrian by birth but works in a huge hospital in the wastes of eastern Leeds and delights in taking boxes of Lancashire Tea to work

[emilystrange]

She's in the right place if she gets bopped on the head, then!

[Pista]

I seem to recall Chris sending out a Yorkshire Tea teabag with one of the EM pledges a couple of years back. Or was it with a t shirt?

[Swinnow]

Being a Cheshire lad myself I take no side in these Yorkshire v Lancashire trivialities.

[EvilBastard]

Being a Cheshire lad myself I take no side in these Yorkshire v Lancashire trivialities.

"Trivialities"?!
They may seem trivial to you, laddy, but it's well known that the denizens of the Slough Of Despond gaze with envious eyes at Yorkshire tea-making prowess and would stop at nothing to possess it. The price of peace is eternal vigilance, and FUCT maintains a network of continually-personned surveillance posts to ensure that no sticky-fingered miscreants from Criminal City venture over the border on covert operations to plunder Yorkshire's fabled tea mines, her biscuit quarries, or her lush parkin forests.

[Swinnow]

I see my educational duties in Yorkshire are still far from complete.

[EmmaPeelWannaBe]

Being a Cheshire lad myself I take no side in these Yorkshire v Lancashire trivialities.

Wise man, I can see more fierce battles over tea bragging rights than over roses.

"Trivialities"?!
They may seem trivial to you, laddy, but it's well known that the denizens of the Slough Of Despond gaze with envious eyes at Yorkshire tea-making prowess and would stop at nothing to possess it. The price of peace is eternal vigilance, and FUCT maintains a network of continually-personned surveillance posts to ensure that no sticky-fingered miscreants from Criminal City venture over the border on covert operations to plunder Yorkshire's fabled tea mines, her biscuit quarries, or her lush parkin forests.

And how does FUCT view herbal tea? (and as an American i pronounce it "erbal" tea.)

[EvilBastard]

And how does FUCT view herbal tea? (and as an American i pronounce it "erbal" tea.)

The tea-v-herbal infusion debate could and indeed does fill multiple volumes in the FUCT archives, ranging from 1793 schism that resulted in the short-lived Franco-Belgian Treaté Internationale des Tisanes (or TITs) to the attempted coup by left-wing elements within FUCT in the late 1960s to promote “herbal teas� as more fitting to the socialist ideals and anti-imperialist mood of the times (under the slogan “Proper Tea is Theft�).

All that aside, however, despite FUCT’s “fundamentalist� stance, we are prepared to concede that tea made from the cured leaves of the noble Camellia Sinensis is by its very definition a tisane, and thus those who prefer to drink other beverages made in a similar fashion are no longer cast into the howling wastes (at least, not since the extraordinary convocation of the Second FUCT Synod in 1974, referred to affectionately as Cuppa Two). There was some opposition to allowing the Tisane Working Alliance Triumvirate to attend official FUCT events since they tended to be somewhat disruptive and no-one liked them anyway, but since the creation of a new multi-partite High Tea Council in 1997, replacing the office of Teapot-Bearer-In-Chief who wielded sole executive power, the attitudes of FUCT have softened somewhat. Thus, drinkers of non-Camellia-based tisanes are allowed to attend council meetings with Observer status, but may not propose or vote on resolutions or stand for elected office. They’re allowed to sit on working groups, though, and they’re still invited to the Christmas party.

However, I should not want it believed that we’re any less fundamentalist in our approach to heretics than we were at the founding of our church. Anyone who refers to it as "erbal tea" is taken outside and stoned to death using stale pink wafers. In practice, of course, death doesn’t normally occur, but the heretic often finds himself shunned until appropriate penance is made, generally in the form of enough dark-chocolate Digestives (McVities only) to placate the Office Of The Grand Inquisitor (takes about 4 packets, since you’re asking).

[EmmaPeelWannaBe]

I assume that all factions within the complete le FUCT maintain a hard line on the subject of iced tea (unless it's of the Long Island variety, which doesn't taste great, but serves a purpose)

Guidance in dining with the miscreants who drink the non-alcoholic variety in the presence of others would be greatly appreciated.

-Steepless in San Francisco

[markfiend]

Am I right in thinking that the recipe for Long Island Ice Tea is "all the booze you can find with a dash of cola"?

[EmmaPeelWannaBe]

Am I right in thinking that the recipe for Long Island Ice Tea is "all the booze you can find with a dash of cola"?

Served with an umbrella and a straw

[EvilBastard]

I assume that all factions within the complete le FUCT maintain a hard line on the subject of iced tea (unless it's of the Long Island variety, which doesn't taste great, but serves a purpose)

Guidance in dining with the miscreants who drink the non-alcoholic variety in the presence of others would be greatly appreciated.

-Steepless in San Francisco

Dear Steepless

Here's the thing - we'd dearly love to depict iced-tea drinkers as heretical scum for whom no punishment is adequate. But there's a problem, and it's this: iced tea is really refreshing, just like hot tea is. I'm assuming we're talking here about tea that has been made properly in the first place, not some pre-powered sugar-laden nonsense that comes out of a jar?
But as with so many things it has a time and a place - for example, if you're out to lunch with your boss, and he/she's not drinking, iced tea is a fine option. If you're out with your friends and you don't have to perform open heart surgery later in the afternoon, then it's not only a poor option, it's no option at all.
Alcoholic ersatz iced teas, be they of the Long or Staten Island, or Texas, varieties, are suitable only for children or the infirm. Nothing good has ever come out of Long Island (with the possible exceptions of Pat Benatar, Cyndi Lauper, and Lou Reed), and that includes "iced tea".

Nothing wrong, mind, with bracing a glass of iced tea with a belt of vodka. Just so long as you're not tempted to dunk anything in it - on that a firm line must be drawn in the sand, beyond which there lay only trackless wastes populated by people who consider custard creams to be adequate biscuits, or Lipton's to make anything other than tea which all other tea despise.

Hope this helps.

Wishing you and yours a jolly tea-filled festive season appropriate to the faith or otherwise to which you subscribe. And remember: a teapot is for life, not just for christmas/hogswatch/hanukkah/St. Bastard's Thursday - we see so many abandoned pots in the shelter at this time of year so please, if you're thinking about giving a tea-pot to a friend or loved one, please consider adopting one that's very much in need of a loving home.

FUCT

[EvilBastard]

Am I right in thinking that the recipe for Long Island Ice Tea is "all the booze you can find with a dash of cola"?

Served with an umbrella and a straw

Wot, no maraschino cherry!? TF is wrong with you people! I expect a cherry, slice of pineapple, and a slice of orange if I'm ordering a cocktail, else it's just a load of booze in a cup. I can get that at home - I come out for the ambiance, y'know.

[markfiend]

Old news I know, but new to me... More food-related WTFery

Proctor and Gamble tried to argue that Pringles weren't crisps

[EvilBastard]

This is vital research on a woefully-underfunded and criminally-misunderstood topic. You will be pleased to learn that we have invited Dr Len Fisher to deliver the keynote address at the Heartland Tea & Biccies Conference.

Thanks to Pista for bringing this noble research to my attention.

[Being645]

... ... hihi, that is a lovely enlightening read, even for the non-dunkers ... ...

[EmmaPeelWannaBe]

another reason to dunk