Heartland

Early contender for headline of the year: Gloucestershire Orville creator confesses to nearly killing David Jason with giant sugar lump

Exciting News, coming to you from an Undisclosed Location to which the intrepid FUCT news team has been granted exclusive access!

Yes, folks - since 1990 literally dozens of people have been wondering what has been up to, and when we might expect a new album. Rumours abounded - that he'd been spotted shuffling around the Merion in his carpet slippers at 9 in the morning, waving a can of Special Brew about and hurling incoherent filth at passers by before taking up his pitch whence he exhorted the public to invest in the "Evening Pots", or that he'd been appointed Boris Johnson's Special Political Consultant in the wake of Dominic Cummings' departure (apparently having been offered the position thanks to his penchant for putting heads on spikes).

But no. The rumours are not true. Tonight we at FUCT Reportage can reveal that and Nursie have been working on a new project that combines their greatest loves. The album is expected to drop in September.

I scream. You scream. We all scream for the UK Cadbury 99 Flake shortage

If you're going to rob a bakery, you might get spotted on surveillance video & your image digitised & printed on batches of cookies in a bid to find you.

This should go to the cookies HYPER-Thread

Montrose air field. Having seen Sopwith Camels & Spitfire squadrons in its time, now plays host to a..*checks notes*.... flying haggis....Wait! What?

Drug dealer busted all because of his....*checks notes*....... love of cheese

Only in America.....

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-57210938

Sussex police would like to remind everyone that the emergency number should not be used for accusing your neighbour of sending a ghost to haunt you

Won't someone please think of the kites...

But why? Are these birds avenging something?
Mostly they’re scavenging something. Only recently, a child in a pram suffered nasty cuts after a kite snatched a custard cream from his hand.

...it’s worth remembering that a kite is a raptor with sharp talons and a wingspan of up to 1.5 metres. If it wants your sausage roll, you should probably give it up.

Not to be outdone by every other animal in Australia that wants to kill you, mice there will even burn down your house

markfiend wrote: ↑26 May 2021, 10:37

"...it’s worth remembering that a kite is a raptor with sharp talons and a wingspan of up to 1.5 metres. If it wants your sausage roll, you should probably give it up," said a kite yesterday from its perch on a lamppost across the street from Greggs.

FTFY

Move over big chip guy. Here's bigger chip guy

We go now to Skipton to see how the road pot-hole situation is being tackl.......oh dear..

For just 50 notes you could take part in the great mannequin heist of 2021

Image of Jesus, or possibly Owl-man, spotted on a toilet door in Glasgow

When you're ready, I'd like you to take the first turning right. Mr Bump

I think this is what's called karma

Listen, Betty. Don't start up with your white zone shiat again!

Don't you just hate it when your neighbours start using their bees as weapons?

I'll see your mad headline & raise you Pablo Escobar’s ‘cocaine hippos’ won’t stop having sex and are ruining rivers with toxic poop

The Golden Fish in Dagenham inches its way ahead in the UK's longest chip race

Fcuking people are fcuking swearing more according to the fcuking British Board of fcuking Film Classification for fcuk's sake!