Heartland

That's nuts! And bolts. And nails. And knives. And screws.

As you were not at home when we tried to deliver your package, we left it....on the roof.

The game's a foot

If you're in court facing assault charges, attempting a citizen's arrest of the judge might not go in your favour.

Much in the same way as a swan can break your arm, a goose can probably break your wing mirror.

Our school is based on inclusion. Except for Iron Maiden fans.

Pista wrote: ↑09 Oct 2021, 09:47 Our school is based on inclusion. Except for Iron Maiden fans.

one of the deputy heads at my secondary school (who made up for being the only PE teacher who wasnt openly a pedo by being a fucking Nazi) took a massive dislike to my new denim jacket and its very smartly newly sewn-on patches displaying ac/dc black sabbath and iron maiden in all their mock satanic glory. he grabbed me by the hair saying that i was a walking offense to god & da ickle baby cheeses and i was to go home and return in something less blasphemous or not at all. so my mum -who had spent the weekend sewing on said patches- turned up with her boyfriend on his triumph bonneville chopper in suitably badass attire and told him he could pay for a new denim jacket himself IMMEDIATELY, as due to my enforced non-attendance my education was suffering, AND provide a written letter countersigned by the principal and the board of governors explaining why at a multifaith school our beliefs were being vilified as we were non-practising satnists; which -if he did his homework- was merely a sect based upon an interpretation of heretical christianity... or he could go and fuck himself. the jacket stayed.

my mum was ace sometimes.

Well, there's your problem.


*not safe for lunch*

Sorry to inform you that your acts of wizardry are no longer required

The Great Brighton Bin Disaster claims its first "victim"

Rather disappointingly, none of the walruses in the Walrus From Space Project are actually from space

Sir David Amess MP, beloved to all Brass Eye fans as the MP who raised a parliamentary question about Cake (the made-up drug), has died after being stabbed at a constituency surgery.

What in the actual fcuk?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/uk-engl ... x-58929701

The Great Brighton Bin Disaster claims a second victim.

Take that Paris, we've got a bin in Heywood

Lock your doors! The Kent crab invasion is beginning.

Dude. You're getting angry at ketchup

Well, it's Hull, does anything good ever happen there? Perhaps Gary or Chris can advise us lol.

"From Hell, Hull and Halifax may the good Lord preserve us"

Well I'm glad that's all settled then

Sexy ketchup guy would very much like people to stop taking the p!ss.

Bewildered Dalton South councillor Shaun Blezard said: "It's just not really the sort of behaviour becoming of a town like Dalton."

Have you got everything for school?
PE kit: Check. Packed lunch: Check. Physics homework: Check. Red-bellied black snake: Check. Pencil case....wait! Go back one...

Sexy ketchup guy just won't drop it

Following past claims of voter fraud linked to Russia, New Zealand's bird of the year 2021 winner causes a flap.

Guitarist discovers the answer to the question we've all been asking. How many pars of gloves can you wear before you can't play Enter Sandman?