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Constructive Criticism
Posted: 21 Mar 2006, 21:52
by nick the stripper
This is the first set of lyrics I’ve written in a long time, and I need some constructive criticism since I don’t have band mates to do that anymore.
I’m having trouble coming up with a song title, and I’m not completely happy with the second bridge, I’d also like to see people’s takes on the song.
Ps, the song isn’t about me (a lot of people I know confuse "art" and "artist"), and if you know who Antoine Roquentin is than you know what the song is.
[verse 1]
I sat on a bench and I talked to a tree
but I don’t think it understood anything I said
I could hardly speak a word of French
but maybe it was my accent
[bridge 1]
it’s been cold since September
too cold to remember
the kids in the parks
the ice falling off the clocks
days went so much slower
when my size was much lower
[chorus]
I’m aging
but time isn’t moving
I’m aging
and I look to a future
that’s so disengaging
there’s only here in the moment
here in the moment
[verse 2]
handsome king come from so far away
handsome king of little reason
now he disappears in his turn
to the cards of Absurdum
it’s been cold since September
too cold to remember
the kids in the parks
the ice falling off the clocks
days went so much slower
when my size was much lower
I’m aging
but time isn’t moving
I’m aging
and I look to a future
that’s so disengaging
there’s only here in the moment
here in the moment
[bridge 2]
What’s happened to all of my good looks
now all I have is these rather old books
and the wind howling by the inglenook
to keep me from crying, to keep me busy
I’m too weak to kill myself
oh it’s hell to be free
I’m aging
but time isn’t moving
I’m aging
and I look to a future
that’s so disengaging
there’s only here in the moment
here in the moment
Waits for bad, six form, quasi-bowie poetry to be flamed.
Re: Constructive Criticism
Posted: 21 Mar 2006, 22:11
by Johnny M
nick the stripper wrote:[verse 1]
I sat on a bench and I talked to a tree
but I don’t think it understood anything I said
I could hardly speak
A word of French
But maybe it was my accent
That's quite scary Josh (but good scary) as I automatically sang the first verse along to *edit: the tune of* 'Meds - Placebo' ...
I was alone, Falling free,
Trying my best not to forget
What happened to us,
What happened to me,
What happened as I let it slip.
Get the phrasing and metre (sp?) right and it works. Some say repetition in lyrics is simplistic. Some say repetition helps to re-enforce the message.
Your lyrics are as good/crap as Molko's. Take that as compliment.
Posted: 21 Mar 2006, 22:49
by cyn
i just got caught at work reading your lyrics and the only thing they cud comment on was your avatar!!!!
Posted: 21 Mar 2006, 23:07
by Johnny M
cyn wrote:i just got caught at work reading your lyrics and the only thing they cud comment on was your avatar!!!!
Hey Cyn!
I'm a good-looking guy!
PS: At least I put my 'special' underwear on for the pic ...
Posted: 21 Mar 2006, 23:10
by Badlander
cyn wrote:i just got caught at work reading your lyrics and the only thing they cud comment on was your avatar!!!!
Your avatar... Such great movie ! I've got the soundtrack on vinyl right on me shelf.
Posted: 22 Mar 2006, 10:46
by timsinister
It's good stuff, Nick.
Posted: 22 Mar 2006, 17:04
by cyn
Johnny M wrote:cyn wrote:i just got caught at work reading your lyrics and the only thing they cud comment on was your avatar!!!!
Hey Cyn!
I'm a good-looking guy!
PS: At least I put my 'special' underwear on for the pic ...
aw johnny i prefer your whitie tighties
Posted: 22 Mar 2006, 17:06
by cyn
Badlander wrote:cyn wrote:i just got caught at work reading your lyrics and the only thing they cud comment on was your avatar!!!!
Your avatar... Such great movie ! I've got the soundtrack on vinyl right on me shelf.
thanx, do you know that i saw the flick in the theater with my mom...
uhuh i'm that old
Re: Constructive Criticism
Posted: 22 Mar 2006, 18:09
by nick the stripper
Johnny M wrote:Get the phrasing and metre (sp?) right and it works. Some say repetition in lyrics is simplistic. Some say repetition helps to re-enforce the message.
Your lyrics are as good/crap as Molko's. Take that as compliment.
I agree 100% about the phrasing and metre still needing some work.
I’ve only heard Nancy Boy and a few other Placebo songs, and they were all good so I’ll take it as a compliment.
If repetition reinforces the message, then TSOM’s Heartland must whack it in with a sledge hammer.
Posted: 22 Mar 2006, 18:46
by Badlander
cyn wrote:
thanx, do you know that i saw the flick in the theater with my mom...
uhuh i'm that old
You mean back then in 74 ?!
You musta been scared to death. I'd have.
Posted: 22 Mar 2006, 20:37
by cyn
Badlander wrote:cyn wrote:
thanx, do you know that i saw the flick in the theater with my mom...
uhuh i'm that old
You mean back then in 74 ?!
You musta been scared to death. I'd have.
no i liked this one, was Black Christmas
http://www.terrortrap.com/topten/blackchristmas/
and It's Alive that scared me.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071675/
i remember sitting in the theatre thinking that baby was going to crawl up behind my seat. kept my jacket over my face and would look thru the button hole.
my husband thinks i have a odd obsession with death... i tell him it was my upbringing my childhood was spent in the movie theater with my mother watching horror movies
Posted: 22 Mar 2006, 22:13
by Badlander
cyn wrote:
my husband thinks i have a odd obsession with death... i tell him it was my upbringing my childhood was spent in the movie theater with my mother watching horror movies
Phantom used to scare the death outta me til I got a grasp of the film's irony and subtext. It doesn't come easy to a 7-or-so year old.
What's your all-time favourite horror flick(s) ?
EDIT : Sorry, it's not related to the thread's topic. Ouch.
Posted: 24 Mar 2006, 21:22
by cyn
i wud have to say my fav is The Changeling
then Black Christmas.
Most amusing for me is Final Destination I. I laughed my bumm off in the theatre, though no one else around me got it
Posted: 24 Mar 2006, 21:46
by Badlander
cyn wrote:i wud have to say my fav is The Changeling
then Black Christmas.
Most amusing for me is Final Destination I. I laughed my bumm off in the theatre, though no one else around me got it
I guess Final destination, much like Scream,
can't be taken seriously. But most people just don't take the irony. C'mon, isn't killing a bunch of such stupid teens in the most horrible way great fun ?
Posted: 24 Mar 2006, 22:13
by cyn
exactly, but taken my location i don't think alot of people understand the films they go to the theatre and observe but are not actually getting the film.
recently my hubby and i went for chinese food.
he asked the girl working the counter if they had chips
she didn't know what he had asked for.
once he explained it to her,
she asked where you from?
he replied Ireland.
she said oh yes i saw that movie
when she explained the film she was talking about The Island.
we looked at disbelief at eachother and tried not to laugh
we explained that the Island was not Ireland, I still don't think she got it
Re: Constructive Criticism
Posted: 25 Mar 2006, 22:05
by MadameButterfly
nick the stripper wrote:This is the first set of lyrics I’ve written in a long time, and I need some constructive criticism since I don’t have band mates to do that anymore.
I’m having trouble coming up with a song title, and I’m not completely happy with the second bridge, I’d also like to see people’s takes on the song.
Ps, the song isn’t about me (a lot of people I know confuse "art" and "artist"), and if you know who Antoine Roquentin is than you know what the song is.
[verse 1]
I sat on a bench and I talked to a tree
but I don’t think it understood anything I said
I could hardly speak a word of French
but maybe it was my accent
[bridge 1]
it’s been cold since September
too cold to remember
the kids in the parks
the ice falling off the clocks
days went so much slower
when my size was much lower
[chorus]
I’m aging
but time isn’t moving
I’m aging
and I look to a future
that’s so disengaging
there’s only here in the moment
here in the moment
[verse 2]
handsome king come from so far away
handsome king of little reason
now he disappears in his turn
to the cards of Absurdum
it’s been cold since September
too cold to remember
the kids in the parks
the ice falling off the clocks
days went so much slower
when my size was much lower
I’m aging
but time isn’t moving
I’m aging
and I look to a future
that’s so disengaging
there’s only here in the moment
here in the moment
[bridge 2]
What’s happened to all of my good looks
now all I have is these rather old books
and the wind howling by the inglenook
to keep me from crying, to keep me busy
I’m too weak to kill myself
oh it’s hell to be free
I’m aging
but time isn’t moving
I’m aging
and I look to a future
that’s so disengaging
there’s only here in the moment
here in the moment
Waits for bad, six form, quasi-bowie poetry to be flamed.
Nice one Josh!
I really like the "talked to a tree" part...
and maybe the second bridge is bugging you as in the second line..
"is" should be "are" ?
The age reference is very well done considering your age and I can understand the lyrics. Now take your time and if there is anything I can help with... just let me know.
Posted: 25 Mar 2006, 23:05
by Johnny M
Meds *cough*
Re: Constructive Criticism
Posted: 25 Mar 2006, 23:42
by Badlander
nick the stripper wrote:
days went so much slower
when my size was much lower
Just a thought : how about
"Days used to go much slower
When my size was much lower"
The you get the metre right (7 syllables).
I’m too weak to kill myself
oh it’s hell to be free
These are the only two lines I really have a problem with. Keep up the good work.
Posted: 26 Mar 2006, 01:46
by eastmidswhizzkid
Posted: 26 Mar 2006, 03:15
by nick the stripper
Badlander wrote:
I wrote:
I’m too weak to kill myself
oh it’s hell to be free
These are the only two lines I really have a problem with. Keep up the good work. We are not worthy!
Yes. Those lines make me cringe a bit too, but I felt I had to keep them in there. They sound a bit angsty to me, and of course they would since I was referenceing Jean-Paul Sartre's
Nausea.
Maybe I should think about removing them.
MB wrote:
I really like the "talked to a tree" part...
and maybe the second bridge is bugging you as in the second line..
"is" should be "are" ?
I knew there was something bothering me about it. Thanks for pointing out the grammar mistake, that had been bugging me.
Badlander wrote:
I wrote:
days went so much slower
when my size was much lower
Just a thought : how about
"Days used to go much slower
When my size was much lower"
The you get the metre right (7 syllables).
That’s actually how I had it written originally, but it didn’t sound right to me when sung, so I purposefully made the first line of the two six syllables, and the second seven.
Johnny wrote:
Meds *cough*
Heh
Posted: 26 Mar 2006, 04:17
by GMC
Well, being a horrible lyricist myself and prone to thinking that the purpose of pop lyrics (pop in the broadest possibel sense) is to A. Have as many jokes as posible per line and B. Hide them so that only the most committed losers in your audience realize your songs are funny rather than sick/twisted/tortured, I probably shouldn't comment.
But.
I hate the same couplet Badlander does. Don't quote Sartre - references to frenchmen entirely, as a matter of fact, tend to make you sound either limp-wristed or crushed-velveted. Read German philosophers, they've got more grit. Wagner is fun, even if he's a dink.
Maybe trying to keep the talking-to-a-tree-or-other-plants motif going would work.
Re: Heh
Posted: 26 Mar 2006, 04:32
by nick the stripper
As I’ve said elsewhere, I tend to cringe at the lines myself but felt I had to leave them in there. I like the entire bridge except for those two lines, I think it’s going to need some more work done.
As for Wagner, he doesn’t do anything for me, along with Kant and his magic shades.
Thanks for the input.
Posted: 26 Mar 2006, 09:51
by Badlander
Exactly what I was afraid of...
@
Nick : cool avatar.
I'd avoid quoting philosophy anyway. That's just me.
EDIT : It quite makes me think of a handful of rather recent The Cure nostalgia / homesickness tracks, for instance The last day of summer. Any connection / inspiration ?
Posted: 26 Mar 2006, 13:39
by eastmidswhizzkid
only pulling your pisser
Blanders -i might make you the exception to the rule when it comes to liking the french (the last exception to the rule was female but you won't need to do what she did to qualify...
)
Posted: 26 Mar 2006, 14:50
by Badlander
eastmidswhizzkid wrote:only pulling your pisser
Blanders -i might make you the exception to the rule when it comes to liking the french (the last exception to the rule was female but you won't need to do what she did to qualify...
)
Thank God !
And you know I
generally don't like techno boys.
Oh crap there's an exception to every rule I guess.
