Heartland

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar £50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took £50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another £50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.

"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man.

"Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna f**k it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!"

nice one....

Reminds me of a similar joke involving a zebra and a bull...
Short-sighted farmer buys zebra at livestock mart, thinking it's a horse. Zebra's never been on a farm before, so is asking all the animals what their jobs are (rooster - waking the farmer; pig - eating the scraps; sheep-insert your own off-colour comment here, ya heathens ). Zebra gets round to asking the bull.
Zebra: "So what's your job around here, then?"
Bull: "Tek yer pyjamas off, luv, and I'll show ya!"

As a Scotsman, I've had to get Tartan P'J's of more than once

EvilBastard wrote:Reminds me of a similar joke involving a zebra and a bull...
Short-sighted farmer buys zebra at livestock mart, thinking it's a horse. Zebra's never been on a farm before, so is asking all the animals what their jobs are (rooster - waking the farmer; pig - eating the scraps; sheep-insert your own off-colour comment here, ya heathens ). Zebra gets round to asking the bull.
Zebra: "So what's your job around here, then?"
Bull: "Tek yer pyjamas off, luv, and I'll show ya!"

Now theres a thought !

Is a Zebra White with Black Stripes or Black with White Stripes

And Does a Zebra get really worried by a Zebra Crossing.

Also Zebra crossings cause Goths many problems - Now You See Me. Now You Dont, Now You See Me, Now You Dont

Answers on a postcard, to Above The Chemist

cf. Linky!

Woah JB that was a bit heavy!

James Blast wrote:cf. Linky!

Woah JB that was a bit heavy!

@ JB

Ahh - Peter Greenaway - Used to be a huge fan. I have not watched his stuff in years and years. Really must remedy that !

Ped Greens and me fell oot around Prospero's Books, then I saw Pillow Book and the romance was well and truly over!

James Blast wrote:Ped Greens and me fell oot around Prospero's Books, then I saw Pillow Book and the romance was well and truly over!

Same Here - I saw Properos Books back in the day and have not bothered to keep up with his work since.

I think a quick look on IMDB.com is a good idea - to see what i have missed and what I should have avoided

List of peter Greenaway films

Nightwatching (2007) (pre-production)

A Life in Suitcases (2005)
Visions of Europe (2004) (segment "European Showerbath")
... aka Europäische Visionen (Germany)
The Tulse Luper Suitcases, Part 2: Vaux to the Sea (2004)
The Tulse Luper Suitcases, Part 3: From Sark to the Finish (2003)
The Tulse Luper Suitcases, Part 1: The Moab Story (2003)
... aka Maletas de Tulse Luper: La historia de Moab, Las (Spain)
... aka Valigie di Tulse Luper - La storia di Moab, Le (Italy)
Cinema16: British Short Films (2003) (V)
The Man in the Bath (2001)
The Death of a Composer: Rosa, a Horse Drama (1999)
... aka Death of a Composer (USA: short title)
8 ½ Women (1999)
... aka Eight and a Half Women (USA)
The Bridge (1997)
The Pillow Book (1996)
Lumière et compagnie (1996)
... aka Lumière and Company (International: English title)
... aka Lumiere y compañía (Spain)
Stairs 1 Geneva (1995)
Darwin (1993) (TV)
The Baby of Mâcon (1993)
... aka Wunder von Macon, Das (Germany)
Rosa (1992)
M Is for Man, Music, Mozart (1991) (TV)
... aka Not Mozart (Europe: English title)
Prospero's Books (1991)
... aka Ultima tempesta, L' (Italy)
A Walk Through Prospero's Library (1991) (TV)
The Cook the Thief His Wife & Her Lover (1989)
... aka Cuisinier, le voleur, sa femme et son amant, Le (France)
... aka Spica
... aka The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover
Hubert Bals Handshake (1989)
"A TV Dante" (1989) (mini) TV Series (Cantos I-VIII)
... aka A TV Dante: The Inferno - Cantos I-VIII (UK: video box title)
... aka Dante: The Inferno (UK: video title)
Drowning by Numbers (1988)
Death in the Seine (1988) (TV)
... aka Morts de la Seine, Les (France)
Fear of Drowning (1988)
The Belly of an Architect (1987)
... aka Ventre dell'architetto, Il (Italy)
Inside Rooms: 26 Bathrooms, London & Oxfordshire, 1985 (1985)
... aka 26 Bathrooms (UK: short title)
A Zed & Two Noughts (1985)
... aka A Zoo: A Zed & Two Noughts
Making a Splash (1984)
The Coastline (1983)
... aka The Sea in Their Blood
Four American Composers (1983)
The Draughtsman's Contract (1982)
Terence Conran (1981)
... aka Insight: Terence Conran (UK)
Act of God (1980) (TV)
Country Diary (1980)
The Falls (1980)
Lacock Village (1980)
Leeds Castle (1979)
Women Artists (1979)
Zandra Rhodes (1979)
1-100 (1978)
Cut Above the Rest (1978)
Eddie Kid (1978)
Vertical Features Remake (1978)
A Walk Through H: The Reincarnation of an Ornithologist (1978)
Dear Phone (1977)
Goole by Numbers (1976)
Water (1975)
Water Wrackets (1975)
Windows (1975)
H Is for House (1973)
Erosion (1971)
Intervals (1969)
5 Postcards from Capital Cities (1967)
Revolution (1967)
Train (1966)
Tree (1966)
Death of Sentiment (1962)

Andy TG wrote:Also Zebra crossings cause Goths many problems - Now You See Me. Now You Dont, Now You See Me, Now You Dont

Which brings us to...
Q. What do you call a goth lying in the middle of the road?
A. A speed bump

*cloak*

Andy TG wrote:Is a Zebra White with Black Stripes or Black with White Stripes

Neither. It's grey.

markfiend wrote:

Andy TG wrote:Is a Zebra White with Black Stripes or Black with White Stripes

Neither. It's grey.

"Welcome back to our live coverage of the Embassy Snooker Championships from the Crucible Theatre, Sheffield. And for those watching on black and white television sets, the pink is behind the blue."