Heartland

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the
sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his
sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this
for my birthday."

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the
head and says, "Go talk to your mother." So off goes the little lad with
the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?"
"Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I
would like this shirt for my birthday". The mother is outraged at this,
promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your
father." Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his
father. "Dad?" "Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this
shirt for my birthday." The father is outraged and promptly whacks his
son around the head 4 times and says:
"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half an hour
later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father
turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies,
"I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you
German B*****ds!"

They're coming thick and fast today:

THIS DEPT OF TRANSPORT INITIATIVE HAS BEEN RE-LAUNCHED, MAY 2006:

Information Release.

Due to the nature of the quality of driving in England the Department of
Transport has now devised a new scheme in order to identify poor drivers
and give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving.

For this reason as from the middle of May 2006 those drivers who are found
to be driving badly which includes:

Ø overtaking in dangerous places;
Ø hovering within one inch of the car in front;
Ø stopping sharply;
Ø speeding in residential areas;
Ø pulling out without indication;
Ø performing U turns inappropriately in busy high streets;
Ø under taking on motorways and
Ø taking up more than one lane in multi lane roads,

These drivers will be issued with flags, white with a red cross, signifying
their inability to drive properly. These flags must be clipped to a door of
the car and be visible to all other drivers and pedestrians.

Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have to
display a flag on each side of the car to indicate their greater lack of
skill and general lower intelligence mindset to the general public.

Please circulate this to as many other motorists as you can so that drivers
and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.



Department of Transport

a sad reflection on the state of the nation

This one is great

A rabbit walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie"

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman"

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.

The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties"

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie"

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it"
The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says,"Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it"

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie"

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, "Who are you"

To which he is answered,"I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house"

The barman says,"I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know"

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it"

The barman said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what happened"

"I died", said the Rabbit.

"I'm so sorry" said the barman,"what did you die from?".

After a short pause the rabbit said...





























"I died from MixingMeToasties........"

Shall I get your coat??

Oh. OH.

Almost as good as...

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him ... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ... faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything ... but all he can find is a box of cough drops!

Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin and...

The coffin stops.

IZ.

Come on, the mixingmetoasties joke is a classic

bananacamel wrote:Come on, the mixingmetoasties joke is a classic

but we've already had it

Both of those are absolutely appalling, and thus I love them.

Dark wrote:Both of those are absolutely appalling, and thus I love them.

That's what I like to hear, an appreciation for aweful jokes, I have more, a lot more

bananacamel wrote:Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have to
display a flag on each side of the car to indicate their greater lack of
skill and general lower intelligence mindset to the general public.

This guy needs an extra wide berth then:

No manipulation, this car parked outside my office really has (count 'em) SIX England flags, plus (not really visible in the photo) two England kit mini sticker things in the back windscreen.

it beggars belief, but they're on in 40 mins, better beat T&T