Heartland

This may have been posted here, but I don't care 'coz it's soooooo hilarious!

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called
a"gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the
aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their
repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before

the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a
sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints
submitted by Qantas ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never,
ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

IZ.

Another:

Problem - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution - No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Tower to B.A. captain: "Nice landing, but let me remark that on tochdown you were slightly left of the centreline!"
B.A. captain: "That`s correct. And my first officer was slightly right of it!"

Controller:"Monarch 503, cleared to Luton, maintain flightelvel250!"
Pilot:"Our destination is Gatwick!"
Controller:"Well, sir,my papers say you are going to Luton.."
Pilot (after a while): "This is Monarch 503, we`ve asked the passengers and they confirmed we are going to Gatwick!"

Controller on may 1st: "I wish you a happy mayday!"

These are reported from actual radiomessages...

Edit: Dammit, them typos..

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final
approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain.
We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for
flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can
hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the
pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Tampa?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel
and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess
with the huge tits out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and
dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all
night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up
and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane.
She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the
cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she
trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's
gotta take a shit first."

Conversation overheard between a British Airways 747 ("Speedbird") and Frankfurt Ground Control:

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location
now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

@ all

Dark wrote: @ all

Aye, nice stuff!

Ozpat wrote:

Dark wrote: @ all

Aye, nice stuff!

Amazing even

A DC 3 Dakota with a wonderfully pollished aluminium skin taxies to the take.off position, gleaming and sparkling in the sunlight. The towercrew ask in an admiring voice: "What kind of pollish do you use?"
Pilot: "Speed only, Sir!"

Tower to USAF Pilot: "Are you going to Fürstenfeldbruck or Rammstein?"
Pilot(Busy with his instruemnts): "Confirm!"
Tower. "Confirm what?"
Pilot: "Confirm, SIR!"