Heartland

THE SMART MONKEY

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it
the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps up on the pool
table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender
screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just swallowed the cue ball off my pool table!", says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little
bugger. I'll pay for the cue ball and other stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill and
leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink
and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink,
the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up hiss ass, pulls it
out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he
asks.

"Now what?", responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!", says the
barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but
ever since he swallowed that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Right, is it assumed we're all un-PC, open-minded types in here? Excellent...

Two Paddies are knitting cardigans for their unborn grandkids. One says 'I hope mine's a boy, because oi've used blue wool'. The second replies 'I hope mine's a spaz, because oi've fcuked up the arms'.

Mod!

Remove the heinous person forthwith!

It was still a crap joke Dave.

James Blast wrote:Mod!

Remove the heinous person forthwith!

James,

You must be more specific, you know.

James Blast wrote:Mod!

Remove the heinous person forthwith!

It was still a crap joke Dave.

Oh well, I thought it was ace.

What's red and slides down the window at Harry Ramsdens?

Abortion of chips.

Yeah I know....COAT!

Q. What's white and sticky and shimmies across the floor?

A. Cum Dancing

[Hold the door, Dave - I'm right behind you]

EvilBastard wrote:Q. What's white and sticky and shimmies across the floor?

A. Cum Dancing

[Hold the door, Dave - I'm right behind you]

I'll be the one walking right in front of you....

What's white and sticky and flies across the sky?

The Cumming of the Lord.





The cloakroom's busy, isn't it?

Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."

Can you all please move one step forward? I'm coming in too...

IZ.

What do you call a woman who stands like this? /

Eileen

What do you call a woman who stands like this / with spunk on her face?

Come on Eileen

What do you call two guys hanging above a window?

Kurt 'n Rod.

Q. What's pink and sticky and slides down the bathroom mirror?

A. Condomsation.

I wish I'd kept my coat on - this line is horrendous

Brer Rabbit and Brer Tortoise are walking in the forest one day when they bump into each other.
Brer Tortoise says "I know you, fluffy tail, floppy ears. You're Brer Rabbit".
Brer Rabbit looks at Brer Tortoise and says "I know you too, scaley heid, nae ears. You're Nicky Lauda"!

no jacket required...

Right, this guy is driving through Scotland when he sees this absolute vision of a young lady at the side of the road hitching a lift. He pulls over, rolls down the window, and yells "hop in miss!".

Suddenly, a huge burly Jock leaps out of the heather. He's 7 feet tall, sinews like a tree trunk, and carrying a hatchet.

He walks over to the first bloke, grabs him by the neck, and yells "git doon on yer knees an' w--k yersel off!" in his face.

The first bloke intends on living a little bit longer, so he does what he's told.

When he's finished, the Scotsman grabs him by the neck again, and again yells "git doon on yer knees an' w--k yersel off!" in his face.

So this goes on for a few hours. The poor driver has hair spouting out of his palms, urgently needs a visit to the nearest optician, knees like jelly, balls like raisins, and is barely able to keep from collapsing. Once more, the Scotsman grabs him by the neck, and yells "git doon on yer knees an' w--k yersel off!" in his face.

So the driver says: "No. Enough. Kill me, I've had enough, there's nothing left".

To which the Scotsman replies: "Alreet, noo ye can gi' ma daughter a lift tae Aughtermuchty!".

after that one Michael, I award you this coat:

James Blast wrote:Brer Rabbit and Brer Tortoise are walking in the forest one day when they bump into each other.
Brer Tortoise says "I know you, fluffy tail, floppy ears. You're Brer Rabbit".
Brer Rabbit looks at Brer Tortoise and says "I know you too, scaley heid, nae ears. You're Nicky Lauda"!

no jacket required...

I heard that as:
Joan Collins goes to her Plastic Surgeon for a .......eh.......ahem, Vagina tuck , when the operation was over and the ...............surplus? skin had been removed from said anatomical region, the Surgeon turned to one of the Nurses and said, "Can you phone Nikki Lauda and tell him I have his new Ears"

Anyway

scotty wrote:"Can you phone Nikki Lauda and tell him I have his new Ears"

Weird - when I heard it Simon Weston was the aural recipient.

Tasteless is the new PC. Funny as fcuk.

Loved the Sun headline the other year after an F1 driver had a bit of a crash...

'Diniz In The Oven'.

Q. What do you call a hundred epileptics in a lettuce patch?

A. Seizure Salad.

But, but, I like salad, lettuce with salt please!


"Oh honey?"
"........." says honey,
"Yes, yes I'm just finishing my post on HL"
"........." says honey,
"ok luv, I'm cumming!"

TMI Debs!

EvilBastard wrote:Q. What do you call a hundred epileptics in a lettuce patch?

A. Seizure Salad.

I'll gladly fetch your coat for you for that one.

@ Debs - cripes, steady.