Heartland

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his
drinking Buddy, Mick.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigid. He tiptoed
as
quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung
around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each
back
pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and
bleeding.

He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began
putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled his
way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head
and butt and Brigid staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"

Paddy said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Brigid said, "it could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops
of
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly.......... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning. "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened. First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner. Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "He thought he was having his photo taken."

2 blondes walk into a bar.....................
you'd think one of them would have seen it

yeah, yeah, i know, its coat time!

or the isish showjumper who broke his nose coz he was jumping against the clock!

Two monkeys taking a bath...

Says the one: "OOK! OOK! EEK!"

Says the other: "Add a bit of cold, then..."



*KOAT* (industrial electro version)


IZ.

How do you know you have an elephant in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.

How do you know you have 2 elephants in your fridge?
Something's eaten all the pizza.

How do you know you have 4 elephants in your fridge?
Their mini is parked outside.

How do you know you have 5 elephants in your fridge?
You can't fit any more elephants in.

Heard about the dyslexic Rock Star?


He chocked to death on his own Vimto!!!

scotty wrote:Heard about the dyslexic Rock Star?


He chocked to death on his own Vimto!!!

Two dyslexic men walk into a bra.....




IZ.

Izzy HaveMercy wrote:

scotty wrote:Heard about the dyslexic Rock Star?


He chocked to death on his own Vimto!!!

Two dyslexic men walk into a bra.....




IZ.

The dyslexic Pimp who opened a Warehouse.......

scotty wrote:

Izzy HaveMercy wrote:

scotty wrote:Heard about the dyslexic Rock Star?


He chocked to death on his own Vimto!!!

Two dyslexic men walk into a bra.....




IZ.

The dyslexic Pimp who opened a Warehouse.......

... and the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa...


IZ.

Old MacDonald had a farm Q-P-X-R-F

Dyslexics of the world untie!

Ever heard about the dyslexic Sisters fan who was addicted to the Herald Ant Forum?

And was surprised their first single "Dead Heat Gnome" only made a fiver on eBay?


IZ.

So That Guitarist gets into the property market, and decides to rent out a few flats. He employs Von as his financial adviser (friends close, enemies closer, and besides, the poor man has to do something with all his spare time outside of the recording studio).

The first day 2 students come looking at a flat. Wayne wants 20 quid a month in rent, but Von puts the kybosh on that. "A lease, don't give it away".

Coat time?

That was BAD

But I liked it.

From an SMS I received from an old acquaintance of mine.......

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think.....



A) You need to spend more time together?


B) She's a f***ing prude?


C) She should have sat somewhere else on the bus?

A man was stranded in the desert for ten years.
One day, a woman in a wetsuit walked up to this man and said, "Would you like a cigar ?"
The man said, "Lady, I ain't smoked in ten years."
So, the woman unzipped the left arm of her wetsuit, and pulled out a cigar.
Then, she said, "Would you like a drink ?"
The man said, "Lady, I ain't drank in ten years."
So, she unzipped the right arm of her wetsuit, and pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Last, she unzipped the front of her wetsuit and said, "Would you like to play around ?"
The man said with astonishment... "You mean to tell me that you got a golf set in there, too?!?!"



IZ.

Izzy HaveMercy wrote:

scotty wrote:

Izzy HaveMercy wrote: Two dyslexic men walk into a bra.....




IZ.

The dyslexic Pimp who opened a Warehouse.......

... and the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa...


IZ.

and his dyslexic devil-worshipping brother who went to a black mass and sacrificed a toga...

EvilBastard wrote:

Izzy HaveMercy wrote:

scotty wrote: The dyslexic Pimp who opened a Warehouse.......

... and the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa...


IZ.

and his dyslexic devil-worshipping brother who went to a black mass and sacrificed a toga...

Or that dyslexic HL member who thinks Julie Andrews actually sings 'The hills are alive with the sound of Mucus'?

IZ.