Heartland

Some Bums
Two homeless guys are walking along the railroad tracks and one says to the other, "I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world".
"Why the f**k is that?" says the other one.
"Well, I'm walking down the tracks last week and I find $50 in a wallet, got some dope and stayed f**ked up for a day and a half.
The other guy says, "Yeah, alright, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down the tracks about two weeks ago, found a gorgeous naked chick tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I f**ked the s**t out of her for two days." 
"Jesus", said the first guy. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"
"f**k no", the other guy said, "I never found her head." 

Wife In A Coma Gets Some Action
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decided to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she let out a sigh. The man ran out and told the doctor who said that was a good sign and suggested he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The husband went in and rubbed her right breast. This produced a moan from his wife. He rushed out and told the doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a real breakthrough. The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act and he didn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in, then came out about five minutes later, white as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asked what happened  - to which the man replied, "I dunno, I guess she choked."

Take three girls
Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey. He asks, "Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you've had a good night out?"
The first replies, "I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night." 
The second one replies, "I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get into bed, and if I tingle all over, I know it was a good night."
The third one turns around and says, "If I get home, rip off my panties, throw them against the wall ...and they stick, then I know it was a good night!"

here endeth today's lesson

I love sunday lessons on hl!

1. Dr. Eric had slept with one of his patients & felt really guilty. No matter how much he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice say "Eric don't worry about it, you're not the 1st doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last and at least you're single, just let it go". But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality whispering "Eric you're a FuckingVet!"

2. Italian guy, "wen i finish makin aluv to my girlafriend i go down and gently tickly the back of her knees. She floats 6 inches above da bed in ecstasy."
French man, "zat is nothing, wen i finish with ze girl i kiss her all ze way down her body and zen lick ze soles of ze feet. She floats 12 inches above ze bed in ecstasy."
Irish guy, "thats nothing, wen i finish riding me bird i get out of bed and wipe my knob on the curtains and she hits the fuckin roof!"

heehee.

Touche!