Hope your new year is going well. This article is about something that is mainly of interest to you cats. However, you kittens may enjoy getting an inside view of the twisted male mind.
Ok. I've stumbled on the perfect way for you cool cats to successfully pick up chicks. It's not a line you give some poor girl at the bar. It's got nothing to do with flashy cars or big money. It's not something that happens at the gym, singles bar, or on-line. The best spot to meet the ladies? The grocery store between the hours of 4:30 and 6:30. But, you can't just go hang out like a numb-nuts. I've got the secret.
Walk in the grocery store, grab the most beautiful bouquet of flowers you can find and just go walking around with them.
You'll be amazed at how all the females will suddenly stop ignoring you like the creepy guy you really are. Suddenly, like magic, female heads will start turning. Then, just pretend to shop.
Linger over the wine section even though you really just want a twelve pack of Bud Light. Pick up various cheeses with one hand and hold the flowers proudly with the other. You may want to spend a little time looking at greeting cards. Whatever you do, don't actually buy anything unless it's something like wine or cheese or something else kind of romantic that you can think of. Picking up that can of jock-itch treatment and the new Maxim are no-nos. Well, we're not really at the buying stage of the article yet so, just don't buy anything.
As you walk around, you'll notice women young and old will suddenly start to notice you. I'm not sure exactly what they may be thinking, but it may be something like, "Ah, he's got flowers!" Or, "I wish my jerk boyfriend bought me flowers every once in a while!"
When you're holding flowers, it's really not very difficult to strike up a conversation with any female, so take your pick.
Here's where it's up to you, Buddy. I can't tell you what to say, but I will say that it's almost meaningless. If you do this enough, you'll soon learn that talking about yourself will not go nearly as far as getting her to talk about herself. Listen to her opinion. Nod your head in agreement even when she starts saying we should all be forced to drive hy-brid cars. In the chat-her-up department, you're on your own here. My best advice is to just learn from trial-and-error.
What if she asks you who the flowers are for? Well, now you're in the cat-birds seat. Tell her that you are visiting a sick aunt and then ask her if she thinks your aunt will like the flowers (once again, you're getting her opinion). When she asks what is wrong with your aunt, kind of chuckle and say this, "Well, my cousin wasn't too specific, I think it's some women's issue." All of this shows that - A: You're not getting the flowers for a love interest, B: You're interested in her opinion, and C: You're sympathetic towards women's issues.
Bingo!
Now, ask her if she may want to meet you for coffee or a drink. Or, get her number. Politely say good-buy and nice to meet you. Then keep shopping (if you know what I mean here). If you really think it's a score with that chick you may be forced to head for the check-out line where you'll probably have to fork over the $7.99 for the flowers - you know, just for appearances. Or, if you're lucky, she'll smile at you as she heads for the check-out line.
It's best if she leaves before you do because you have more options this way. If she leaves, wait until she's really gone (as in - watch her drive away without looking creepy). Then you have options. You can keep shopping (you know what I mean), or you can always just put the flowers back as your facial expression shows everyone that, "I guess I don't want these after all."
If she continues to shop for a while, don't linger around the grocery store too long unless you happen to get really lucky and an even hotter chick starts noticing the flowers. If you stay too long after talking to her, she may start to see the jerk/scammer that you really are. Or maybe worse, she may start to think that it would be more thoughtful of you to get going because she's wondering, "Doesn't he care that those flowers are going to need water pretty soon!" Who knows what women think, just don't linger.
Also, be careful. Flowers attract all females so it's kind of easy to waste time getting bogged down talking to someone's Granny. In this case, do not use the "sick aunt with women's issues" line. That will only lead to more wasted time. Tell the Granny that they're for your girlfriend or wife and move on.
You can "shop" from 4:30 to 6:30. It may work after that too, but be careful not to over-stay your welcome or you risk being thrown out of all places - a grocery store. That's why it's a good idea to case out a lot of the grocery stores in your area. You may find that some have hotter chicks than other ones. And, you run less risk of the over-stay if the clerks and store managers haven't seen you pull the "flowers for my sick aunt" scam before.
You can do all of this for free if you are able to put the flowers back and leave apologetically. If you're forced to actually buy flowers, you can take them home to freshen-up that hell-hole apartment of yours, give them to the bum laying in the parking lot if you don't want flowers smelling up your hot-rod, or, just throw them in the trash on your way out.
Also, this too, if you end up with a girlfriend that you met while doing this, the relationship won't last unless you periodically throw down the cash to actually buy her flowers for real. You may also want to consider how pricey the "enticement" flowers are at the start of this scam, because, once she's your girlfriend, she may be disappointed with cheaper flowers. On second thought, who cares? And, if your new girlfriend ever asks about your "sick aunt"...well, once again...you're on your own.
Good luck man.
Thanks,
Jim "Reverend Horton" Heath[/quote]
Revr'nd
And believe me I've wheeled him round the town centre in his pushchair waiting for the birds to swarm over me. 
