Heartland

everytime someone knocks at my door my dog runs to his corner, he's not scared, he's just a boxer

ive just bought a cool 'sound activated stereo for my car: when i shout out rock it plays rock, when i shout out classic it plays classic etc.
only problem is that some kids ran across the road in front of me the other day and i shouted out 'fcuking kids' and the stereo got confused and played a mixture of gary glitter and michael jackson.

a 95 year old man is given a jar by the nurse to provide a sperm sample. he returns two days later with an empty jar and appologises. he had tried with his right hand, then his left hand, then his wife tried with both hands and then with her mouth, first with her teeth out and then with them in, they even got ethel next door to trybut they just couldnt get the lid off the jar.

two elephants jump off a cliff..........................boom boom.


and finally, aliens have landed today and are abducting all tall, handsome, intelligent, well endowed men so all you lot are safe, im just posting this to say goodbye.

A man goes to the doctors.

"Doctor, I'm 93-years old. I've just married a 23-year old nubile nymphette - stunning rack, great legs, fit arse, and she bangs like an outhouse door. Morning noon and night, hanging from the ceiling, dangling off the banisters, she wants it any way and every way."

Doc: "Ah, so you've come to see me to make sure you're healthy enough for sex?"

Man: "Um...no, not really."

Doc: "Oh, I understand - you're concerned that you might not be able to 'perform', is that it?"

Man: "No, it's not that either."

Doc: "Are you worried about STDs?"

Man: "Nope."

Doc: "So if you're not concerned about getting it up and you're not concerned about the health risks, why ARE you telling me about this?"

Man: "Doc, I'll be honest - I'm telling fcuking EVERYONE!"

You guys slay me!