Exciting new "Alternative" music TV station
Posted: 14 Mar 2007, 19:23
Yes in another Haeartland exclusive I can reveal a new cable Alternative music television channel to be launched soon....
Kerrangutang TV
I have managed to get hold of one of its exciting schedules I can can reveal it now....cutting edge ain't the word.
6am-6pm;Music on demand
A mind numbing mix of music that all sounds the same by young men with ridiculous fringes who appear to have fallen head first into a bucket of wax crayons.As voted for on the worlds most expensive premium rate service* by lazy arse student types with nothing better to do.
*Calls cost £100 a second(mobiles may vary).Calls last a minimum of 2 hous and even then we can't gaurentee to play your favorite Bullet for my valentine song.So f**k off spotty and get a job!
6pm-7pmClassic metal
An hour of middle aged men from the 1980's with perms and clad in spandex play pop songs with a guitar solo that goes "widdle widdle weee".Solely to make you realise that this modern emo stuff might not be that bad after all.This weeks featured artists include Bon jovi,Europe,Def leppard and The Osmonds.
7pm-8pm;The Rap show
Just to prove we're not racist.Tunes this week from Eminem and Vanilla ice.
8pm-8.30pm:The goth half hour
Mainly bands that sound like Meatloaf but fronted by a warbling foreign bint with nice tits.We might throw in Temple of love 92 to show how completely clueless we are.
8.30pm-9pm;TV on the TV
An unconvincing transvestite plays some more Emo videos
9pm-10pm;A history of Black metal
Documentary on Jimi Hendrix and Living colour
10pm-11.30pm;FILM:Blue murder at St.Trinians
Starring Aliester Simm and George Cole.
Some of the lower sixth are asked by "Flasher" Harry to look after some assault rifles but after listening to KMFDM and Marilyn Manson decide to go out and waste every single motherfuc'ker who's ever looked at them a bit funny.With hilarious consequences.
11.30pm-1am;120 minutes
Technically 90 minutes of some has-been 80's indi star introducing more Emo videos.But being as its late at night you might get a glimps of ladies nipples.
1am-6am;Joins The shopping channel were a man in unfeasably tight shorts and sporting a mullet will try to flog you some dodgy keep fit equipment.
Kerrangutang TV
I have managed to get hold of one of its exciting schedules I can can reveal it now....cutting edge ain't the word.
6am-6pm;Music on demand
A mind numbing mix of music that all sounds the same by young men with ridiculous fringes who appear to have fallen head first into a bucket of wax crayons.As voted for on the worlds most expensive premium rate service* by lazy arse student types with nothing better to do.
*Calls cost £100 a second(mobiles may vary).Calls last a minimum of 2 hous and even then we can't gaurentee to play your favorite Bullet for my valentine song.So f**k off spotty and get a job!
6pm-7pmClassic metal
An hour of middle aged men from the 1980's with perms and clad in spandex play pop songs with a guitar solo that goes "widdle widdle weee".Solely to make you realise that this modern emo stuff might not be that bad after all.This weeks featured artists include Bon jovi,Europe,Def leppard and The Osmonds.
7pm-8pm;The Rap show
Just to prove we're not racist.Tunes this week from Eminem and Vanilla ice.
8pm-8.30pm:The goth half hour
Mainly bands that sound like Meatloaf but fronted by a warbling foreign bint with nice tits.We might throw in Temple of love 92 to show how completely clueless we are.
8.30pm-9pm;TV on the TV
An unconvincing transvestite plays some more Emo videos
9pm-10pm;A history of Black metal
Documentary on Jimi Hendrix and Living colour
10pm-11.30pm;FILM:Blue murder at St.Trinians
Starring Aliester Simm and George Cole.
Some of the lower sixth are asked by "Flasher" Harry to look after some assault rifles but after listening to KMFDM and Marilyn Manson decide to go out and waste every single motherfuc'ker who's ever looked at them a bit funny.With hilarious consequences.
11.30pm-1am;120 minutes
Technically 90 minutes of some has-been 80's indi star introducing more Emo videos.But being as its late at night you might get a glimps of ladies nipples.
1am-6am;Joins The shopping channel were a man in unfeasably tight shorts and sporting a mullet will try to flog you some dodgy keep fit equipment.
