Heartland

Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act
> (1978),
> you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby
> for possible compulsory military service in the American Conflict. You may
> shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join
> either
> the 3rd Battalion , The Queen's Own Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Foot
> and
> Mouth. The regulars are too busy driving Green Goddesses to be there
> themselves.
> Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us
> any
> of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were
> returned
> after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your
> own
> way to the combat zone.
> H.M. Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way
> trips
> with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this
> offer (RyanAir also do a nice little £9.99 trip).
> Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be
> necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon
> as possible:
>
> * Combat Jacket
> * Trousers(preferably khaki - but please no denim)
> * Tin helmet
> * Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
> * Gas mask
> * Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure
Map of Iraq will do)
> * Rifle
> * Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
> * Suntan oil
>
> If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a
> tank (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts
> a
> 0% finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is
> only available whilst stocks last).
> We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything
> going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your
> choice, and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows
> pension
> of £1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing,
> and
> fully repayable should our side eventually lose.
> There may be little time for formal military training before your
> departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films
> and
> try and pick up a few tips as you watch:
>
> * The Guns of Navarone
> * Kelly's Heroes
> * A Bridge too Far
> * The Longest Day
> * Apocalypse Now
> * The Matrix
> * Blazing Saddles
> * The Desert Song
> * Mary Poppins
>
> We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.
> To mentally prepare yourself for your m*****n try reading the works of
> Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what may
> be involved.
>
Yours faithfully,
G Hoon, Ministry of Defence.

> A Bush - Blair Production
> Sponsored by Mars, The Official snack of World War III

LMAO

The "Politcal Suicide War" movie of the year will be called The Blair Bush Project!

The blurb will read as follows:-

"In 2003 30,000 troops (read as students!) were investigating the legend of "the witch of mass destruction" in a desert outside Baghdad, where they mysteriously dissappeared......

2 years later CNN found the real footage of the events that transpired"