Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
>
>Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
>
>Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning
>of this?"
>
>Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
>
>Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her
>duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion
>or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
>
>Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
>employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the
>censors, lest it be considered racist."
>
>Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
>
>Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free
>working environments."
>
>Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
>mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
>
>Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
>Government's policy on binge drinking."
>
>Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
>........... full speed ahead."
>
>Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
>stretch of water."
>
>Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
>history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
>please."
>
>Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
>
>Nelson: "What?"
>
>Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and
>they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone
>up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
>
>Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
>
>Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
>
>
>Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
>
>Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
>environment for the differently abled."
>
>Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
>to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
>playing the disability card."
>
>Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the
>areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
>
>Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
>
>Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let
>the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone
>breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
>
>Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
>men to stand by to engage the enemy."
>
>Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
>
>Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
>
>Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
>with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid
>lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
>
>Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
>
>Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
>
>Nelson: "We're not?"
>
>Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
>According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
>stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
>
>Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
>
>Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying
>that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
>
>Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
>King."
>
>Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
>Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
>
>Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
>sodomy and the lash?"
>
>Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
>corporal punishment."
>
>Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
>
>Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
>
>Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."
Heartland
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