Heartland

My grandfather died recently. In a way I'm quite proud of him; he died having sex with my grandma. He was 93 years old and was getting the boogie going.

Anyway my grandma said "We were doing it on Sunday morning, we always did it on Sundays because he could use the church bells to pace himself."

I think he would be alive today if that ice-cream van hadn't gone past.

Ron wanted to buy his new girlfriend a Christmas present. As they
hadn't been seeing each other for very long, he decided after careful
consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not
too romantic and not too personal.

He went with his girlfriends' sister to Harrods and bought a dainty
pair of white fur lined gloves, the sister bought a pair of Knickers
for herself at the same time.

During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the
sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.

Without checking Ron sealed the package and sent it to his new
girlfriend with the following letter: -

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when
we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I would
have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she
wears shorter ones which are easier to remove.

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and
they were hardly soiled at all, I had her try yours on for me and she
looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on
her.

She also said that the pair rubs her ring, which helps keep it clean
and shiny; In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing
them.

I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing, Just think how many
times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love

Ron.

P.S.The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of
fur showing.

Priceless.