Heartland

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.


Yes, I am on drugs.

A man and his wife are lying in bed one Sunday morning, when she turns to him and says, "Darling, if I died...would you remarry?"
He replies, "Of course not - I wouldn't be able to love another woman the way I love you."
"But I'd want you to be happy, and for the children to have someone that they could call 'mum'."
"Well, in that case," he says, "I guess I could remarry."

"Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
"Absolutely not - the memories that we have shared in this bed are too precious."
"But those memories are such happy ones - and I want you to be happy, even if I'm not with you."
"Well, in that case, I suppose it would be ok."

"Would you let her drive my car?"
"No, I couldn't do that - I remember how your eyes lit up when I gave you the car keys on your birthday. I couldn't imagine another woman driving it."
"But I hate to think of you losing money on the trade - it really doesn't make financial sense to trade it in yet."
"Well, I suppose you're right - ok, I'd let her drive your car."

"Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
"No way - she's left-handed."

Pat wrote:Lexus's

Lexi.

OI, to the lot.

smiscandlon wrote:

Pat wrote:Lexus's

Lexi.

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

markfiend wrote: Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

...I see a red door and I want it painted black...



IZ.

...I see a white belt and I want it painted black...

should've stopped after the fifth

It IS joke of the day, after all

IZ.

...which reminds me of

Mike! Mike! Mike! MikemikemikemikemikemikemikeMIIIIIIIKE!

Or something.

nup, nae idea whit yir oan aboot

Not a Misty, then, eh? Sad.

not a Scooby

Yesterday, all my bad jokes seemed so far away.
Other posts mean it's here to stay.
I think they should stay ,yesterday.

What's a Scooby?

SINsister wrote:What's a Scooby?

Scooby Doo = Clue

My bad - it's actually MSTie. Sorry, folks!

Jezz! I thought you meant you didn't have "Misty Blue"

<insert similar equation to Steven's>

OI. You lot and your rhyming schemes. I'm gonna have to work on this, I see...

I wish you the Mae West

Thanks, I'm gonna apple seed it...

nup, lost fer stupid, again

This is gonna require some work, I see...

SINsister wrote: This is gonna require some work, I see...

Quite simple, both of you just start talking decent English and you'd be surprised how clear it all becomes...

IZ.

Izzy HaveMercy wrote:

SINsister wrote: This is gonna require some work, I see...

Quite simple, both of you just start talking decent English and you'd be surprised how clear it all becomes...

IZ.

And it takes a 'Flat-lander' to tell you that!

bloody septic tanks & sweaty socks!