Heartland

A Guide to Men

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage
I love you = Let's have sex now
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question?
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
You took tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes
Let's talk = I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person & then I'd like to have sex with you
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

Hopefully this outrageous piece of plagiarism is new to some of you?

Old Hands on this forum will doubtless tut at my naive use of format/protocol - please excuse this - I'm learning ...
Posted this for your amusement (hopefully)

we do have a Joke of the Day area you twit

James Blast wrote:we do have a Joke of the Day area you twit

'Hook, Line & Sinker' - see elsewhere!

no, you see elsewhere

James Blast wrote:no, you see elsewhere

Touche?

now i have a doubt?
your partner left you?

100 reasons why it's good to be a bloke ...

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A week's holiday requires only one suitcase.
5. Match of the Day.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7. Queues for the toilet are 90% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When channel surfing, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
17. People expect you to masturbate.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You can fart with impunity.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet. Or oven.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is L5 for a three pack.
33. You understand why Beavis and Butthead is funny.
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy arse every night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody gives a s**t.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You don't have to bother having a proper conversation with your mates down the pub.
40. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can understand the offside rule in football.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt in the rain.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough for most of your life.
49. You can boast about the number of people you've slept with.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your flat if the metre reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a toss if no one notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your mate for hours without even thinking "He must be mad at me"
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You can play and enjoy computer games other than Tetris.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Tim Roth without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You can remember the punchlines to jokes.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress 1000; Morning suit hire 50.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. You can sit in a pub on your own without plonkers trying to cop off with you.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Stag nights are much more fun than Hen nights.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "f**k it!"
88. If an other bloke shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. You can teach your friend's children swear words.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not inthe mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. You can't get pregnant.

Hmmm...

SINsister wrote:Hmmm...

But it's funny because it's true.

I'm not laughing, because a lot of it happens to apply to *me*.

SINsister wrote:I'm not laughing, because a lot of it happens to apply to *me*.

You'll have to be more specific. Otherwise I'll assume you mean

95: Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

SINsister wrote:I'm not laughing, because a lot of it happens to apply to *me*.

and i :"you can't be pregnant"

Sorry, I'm not elaborating on any of it, at this time...

SINsister wrote:Sorry, I'm not elaborating on any of it, at this time...

Ha, I was right!

Nah. Pr0n's boring, imho.

post Nos 1 & 7:




the accuracy on both, for me at least, is CHILLING!

but the sex is good, yeah?

James Blast wrote:but the sex is good, yeah?

sex is better when your partner is always the same

Sex? What's that, then?


*Slinks off*

SINsister wrote:Sex? What's that, then?


*Slinks off*

You really are asking for people to send you picture, you cunning pervert!

How long before someone offers a play on words with cunning?

Linguist?

Petseri wrote:

SINsister wrote:Sex? What's that, then?


*Slinks off*

You really are asking for people to send you picture, you cunning pervert!

How long before someone offers a play on words with cunning?

Q. What's the difference between a clever dwarf and a venereal disease?

A. One's a cunning runt...

Sinnie already took the cunning linguist gag

Ba-dum-bum. Oi!

Petseri wrote:You really are asking for people to send you picture, you cunning pervert!

Erm...no, actually, I'm not. Blech. If I wanted 'em, I could find my own.