22-3-08 Liverpool/Scouser jokes
Posted: 22 Mar 2008, 23:05
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's a Miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit."
``````````````
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year".
The Scouser said "You're s**t me!"
The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"
```````````````
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
`````````````````````
A Scouser walks into a bar in Manchester dressed up in his new Liverpool shirt and orders a drink before noticing a picture of Sir Matt Busby on the wall. He was just about to leave when the barman says: "Where do you think you're going?"
The Scouser replies: "I'm sorry, I just noticed Matt Busby there and I think I'd better leave,"
The barman says: "No no no. It's too late for that. You've got to roll the Dice Pal," The Scouser looks puzzled and says: "Roll
the dice?"
The Barman replies: "Yeh. If you roll between 1 and 5 we kick the crap out of you,"
The Scouser says: "What if I roll a 6?"
The barman replies: "You get another go.."
`````````````````
A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Arsenal fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you an Arsenal fan?"
"Because my mum is an Arsenal fan, and my dad is an Arsenal fan, so I'm an Arsenal fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Arsenal fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's a Miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit."
``````````````
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year".
The Scouser said "You're s**t me!"
The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"
```````````````
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
`````````````````````
A Scouser walks into a bar in Manchester dressed up in his new Liverpool shirt and orders a drink before noticing a picture of Sir Matt Busby on the wall. He was just about to leave when the barman says: "Where do you think you're going?"
The Scouser replies: "I'm sorry, I just noticed Matt Busby there and I think I'd better leave,"
The barman says: "No no no. It's too late for that. You've got to roll the Dice Pal," The Scouser looks puzzled and says: "Roll
the dice?"
The Barman replies: "Yeh. If you roll between 1 and 5 we kick the crap out of you,"
The Scouser says: "What if I roll a 6?"
The barman replies: "You get another go.."
`````````````````
A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Arsenal fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you an Arsenal fan?"
"Because my mum is an Arsenal fan, and my dad is an Arsenal fan, so I'm an Arsenal fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Arsenal fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."