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A leper walks into a bar...
Posted: 09 Jan 2009, 12:54
by Yggdrasil
A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. It was that guy sitting next to you who keeps dipping his crackers into your neck."
Posted: 09 Jan 2009, 13:52
by markfiend
How do you get a leper out of the bath? With a sieve.
Why did the leper fail his driving test? He left his hand on the gear lever and his foot on the clutch.
A group of lepers playing poker: One threw in his hand, another laughed his head off.
Posted: 09 Jan 2009, 14:10
by Yggdrasil
markfiend wrote:How do you get a leper out of the bath? With a sieve.
Why did the leper fail his driving test? He left his hand on the gear lever and his foot on the clutch.
A group of lepers playing poker: One threw in his hand, another laughed his head off.
Now those are disgusting!
Gus the pus sucker
Posted: 09 Jan 2009, 14:11
by Yggdrasil
A woman walks into the doctors office with a huge boil on her arse.
The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core. He says this is too big a job for me so he sends her to Gus the pus sucker.
The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says "this is no problem" and proceeds to press his lips to her arse and sucks out the pus and core of the boil.
Halfway through, the woman drops a mammoth fart. Gus stops what he's doing, looks up and says "You know lady, it's people like you that make this job f**king disgusting."
Posted: 09 Jan 2009, 14:16
by markfiend
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 09 Jan 2009, 15:23
by EvilBastard
Yggdrasil wrote:markfiend wrote:How do you get a leper out of the bath? With a sieve.
Why did the leper fail his driving test? He left his hand on the gear lever and his foot on the clutch.
A group of lepers playing poker: One threw in his hand, another laughed his head off.
Now those are disgusting!
You want disgusting?
What did the leper say to the prostitute? "Keep the tip."
What do you call a leper in a bath? Ready Brek
What do you call 100 epileptics in a lettuce field? Seizure Salad
What's grosser than a truck full of dead babies? A live one at the bottom eating his way out.
Posted: 09 Jan 2009, 15:37
by Yggdrasil
EvilBastard wrote:
You want disgusting?
What did the leper say to the prostitute? "Keep the tip."
Ugh!
OK, here's another one:
- - -
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul and feeling sorry for the armless guy, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob hesistatingly replies, "Uh... well, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, seeping boils on it, and it reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. The guy clenches his teeth, grunts and pisses out a clumpy, oozing, brown slime in spurts, and finally says "Aah, finished!". Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob, standing there with his right hand all splattered with the brown stuff says, "No problem, but man, what the hell is wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I've no idea, but I sure as hell ain't touching it!"
Posted: 09 Jan 2009, 17:11
by EvilBastard
And if you're really bored, The Guardian can supply a George W Bush
Random Quote Generator...
Posted: 09 Jan 2009, 22:18
by GC
How do you make leper sausages?
Wind tunnel, leper, sock.
Posted: 09 Jan 2009, 22:26
by EvilBastard
Andrew Eldritch wrote:"Maybe I should tell some leper jokes like we did in Boston. Are there any lepers in the house?"
Posted: 19 Jan 2009, 22:21
by Selena
EvilBastard wrote:
What do you call 100 epileptics in a lettuce field? Seizure Salad
I don´t understand this one.
Posted: 19 Jan 2009, 23:18
by Yggdrasil
Selena wrote:EvilBastard wrote:
What do you call 100 epileptics in a lettuce field? Seizure Salad
I don´t understand this one.
Caesar salad - seizure (spams) salad
Get it?
Posted: 20 Jan 2009, 01:04
by eotunun
..im Milchreis ist Zucker und Zimt, aber der Epileptiker ist im Zimmer und zuckt.
Really, Thanks to Selena I understood that I didn't get the joke at first, but understand it's mildly funny.
Epilepsy is a delicate illness, it seems.
Posted: 20 Jan 2009, 02:04
by 7anthea7
eotunun wrote:Really, Thanks to Selena I understood that I didn't get the joke at first, but understand it's mildly funny.
Epilepsy is a delicate illness, it seems.
No-one claimed the jokes here were tasteful...
Posted: 20 Jan 2009, 02:16
by EvilBastard
7anthea7 wrote:eotunun wrote:Really, Thanks to Selena I understood that I didn't get the joke at first, but understand it's mildly funny.
Epilepsy is a delicate illness, it seems.
No-one claimed the jokes here were tasteful...
Tasteful? Stroll on, love - more than my life's worth to make tasteful jokes. Get drummed out of the Union so fast me feet wouldn't touch the ground.
In keeping with that, I'm going to write this so small that only people who really really want to read it can. I should caution that it involves a very emotive subject, and it will almost certainly cause offence to someone, perhaps several someones. The intention is not to cause offence, so please don't go to the trouble of reading it if you are of a sensitive disposition.
Q. What's pink, stiff, 12" long, and makes Anne Diamond scream?
A. Cot death.
I did warn you it was tasteless.
Posted: 20 Jan 2009, 03:31
by 7anthea7
Posted: 23 Jan 2009, 13:47
by Selena
Yggdrasil wrote:Selena wrote:EvilBastard wrote:
What do you call 100 epileptics in a lettuce field? Seizure Salad
I don´t understand this one.
Caesar salad - seizure (spams) salad
Get it?
Aaahhh,
Caesar Salad... when I looked it up, I understood the joke
thanks for your explanation!
..im Milchreis ist Zucker und Zimt, aber der Epileptiker ist im Zimmer und zuckt.
@eotunun:
I didn´t know this one yet.
Posted: 12 Mar 2009, 19:19
by originalgoth
EvilBastard wrote:
In keeping with that, I'm going to write this so small that only people who really really want to read it can. I should caution that it involves a very emotive subject, and it will almost certainly cause offence to someone, perhaps several someones. The intention is not to cause offence, so please don't go to the trouble of reading it if you are of a sensitive disposition.
Q. What's pink, stiff, 12" long, and makes Anne Diamond scream?
A. Cot death.
I did warn you it was tasteless.
I copied & pasted this joke into a new Word document, & then enlarged the font size, that allowed me to read it.....
I'm not offended by it.
Using the "Quote" button on here also enlarged it as well but like
EvilBastard said originally, some might be offended by it so I'll second his warning.
It's not a Good one or a Bad one, it's just one of those jokes.
I don't know what else to say about it really so I'll stop now
Posted: 06 Sep 2018, 14:25
by eastmidswhizzkid
the most offensive thing here is that you had an offensive jokes page without inviting me!!! so....
Q- what's blue and doesn't fit?
A- a dead epileptic.
Q: how do you get 50 pensioners in a Mini ?
A: cremate them and put them in the ash-tray.
Q: how can you tell when your sisters on her period?
A: your dad's cock tastes funny.
Q: what's the difference between a lorry load of sand and a lorry load of babies?
A: can't unload sand with a pitchfork.
Q: what's brown and taps at the window?
A: a baby in a microwave
Q: what's the best thing about shagging a 5 year old girl?
A: turn her over- 5 year old boy.
Posted: 06 Sep 2018, 18:15
by EvilBastard
eastmidswhizzkid wrote:the most offensive thing here is that you had an offensive jokes page without inviting me!!! so....
Q: what's the best thing about shagging a 5 year old girl?
A: turn her over- 5 year old boy.
Q: what's the 2nd best thing about shagging a 5 year old girl?
A: hearing the pelvis snap.
Q: what's the worst thing about shagging a 5 year old girl?
A: her telling you she's had better.
Q: What's pink & red and hangs from the ceiling?
A: Baby on a meathook
Q: What's brown & smelly and hangs from the ceiling?
A: Same baby, 6 weeks later.
Posted: 06 Sep 2018, 18:22
by eastmidswhizzkid
EvilBastard wrote:eastmidswhizzkid wrote:the most offensive thing here is that you had an offensive jokes page without inviting me!!! so....
Q: what's the worst thing about shagging a 5 year old girl?
A: her telling you she's had better.
hadn't heard that one before
Posted: 06 Sep 2018, 19:21
by zaltys7
Q: what's eight inch's long, gold, and you wouldn't want to find in your daughters bed?
A: Gary Glitters shoe.
Q: What's red and can't turn round in a corridor?
A: A baby with a javelin through it's head.
Posted: 06 Sep 2018, 20:04
by Swinnow
Trying not to laugh my bits off in a bar in Pudsey you bad people. Keep it up, my long weekend has started well haha
Posted: 06 Sep 2018, 20:46
by zaltys7
Q: Why did America lose the Vietnam war?
A: Every time Sergeant said "Get down!" the black dudes got up and started dancing.
Q: What's green and smells of pork?
A: Kermit's middle finger.
Posted: 06 Sep 2018, 20:52
by eastmidswhizzkid
'
zaltys 
