Heartland

A small Zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby McKay, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby, like many of the Glasgow men folk, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Bobby was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500 ?
Bobby showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First", Bobby said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Bobby said, "I want all the weans raised as "Celtic fans." Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Bobby stated, "Ye'll need tae gie me anither week to come up with the £500".

Very good

Another Classic fae Pat

Robert P. wrote:

subtle 1st post

hello

I wonder if wee Bobby McKay is distantly related to my granny. Some time ago she took us kiddies to the circus, where they had a guy with a performing crocodile.

The big top went silent as the crocodile was led up onto a platform about 3' high, and the ringmaster started his spiel:
"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls - it is with the greatest pleasure that we present the world's bravest man - all the way from the mangravo swamps of Papua New Guinea, please give a big round of applause for Crocodile Mongee!"

Dutiful applause.

Mongee came into the ring wearing only a loincloth, his body the colour of oiled mahogany.

Ringmaster: "For his first trick, he will place his arm in the crocodile's mouth."

Mongee approached the platform, and slapped the crocodile twice on the snout. The beast opened his mouth, and Mongee put his whole arm between the jaws, right up to his shoulder. He slapped the crocodile again, but the mouth stayed open. Rapturous applause.

"For his next trick, he's going to try something that last year caused the deaths of the only other 3 people in the world to attempt it."

Mongee slapped the crocodile's snout twice, and the mouth opened. He placed his head between the jaws. Incredible applause.

"And finally, a trick that has never been seen in the west before. Drum-roll, please!"

5 spotlights around the Big Top focused on Mongee, who undid his loincloth and stood naked as a newborn in the centre of the ring. His well-muscled body shone in the lights, while his frankly terrifying manhood throbbed gently with his pulse. Seriously, folks, this thing looked like a full-size beer-can. Oohs and aahs from audience.
He approached the crocodile, slapped its snout, and the mouth opened. Mongee took his schlong and placed it inside. Throughout the audience men were crossing their legs and looking pained.

Then Mongee slapped the animal twice on the snout, and the jaws closed. Gasps.

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls - I should of course warn you not to try this at home. Mongee has many years of training and nerves of steel."

At this, a clown appeared from the wings with a baseball bat. He walked over to the platform and smacked the crocodile repeatedly over the head. The beast never flinched, and Mongee removed his willie from his mouth and took a bow - the crowd is going wild!

"Ladies and gentleman, Mongee has issued a challenge - if there is any among you brave enough to attempt what you have just seen, let them stand up and come to the ring."

The spotlights played across the audience, but no-one stood. Finally my granny got up and made her way down to the ring.

"Ladies and gentlemen! I believe with have a contender! Step this way, madam!"

Granny walked across the ring to stand by the ringmaster and Mongee.

"So, madam - you believe that you are brave enough to attempt this feat?"

"Oh yes."

"And who are you here with this evening?"

"My grandchildren" - she points and waves.

"So, before you attempt this - do you have anything you want to say. Do you have any reservations?"

"Well...maybe just the one...

...when we do it, do you have to hit me over the head with the baseball bat?"

weebleswobble wrote:

Robert P. wrote:

subtle 1st post

hello

..of course! Thanks for the welcome!

@ EB: