Heartland

A man drives to a petrol station and has his tank filled up. While doing this
the pump attendant spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks
the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with
them but, I haven't a clue."

The attendant thinks for a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and he drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same petrol station. The
attendant sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!"

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a great time. Today I'm taking
them to the beach."

Pinched, of course.


Cats and Dogs

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt
to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

B**t*rds.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I
could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -and seems
to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird
has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards
regularly.

I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged
protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For
now...

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger
and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill
in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force
jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls
emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from the hearth and set to one side to repair
later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible below armpit. Put pill
in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid
to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard
and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill
down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of
scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab.
Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and
fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who
crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table,
find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and removes pill remnant from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home
to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any
hamsters.


How to Give a Dog a Pill?

1. Wrap it in bacon.

Dogs and Cats are better than kids because they

(1) eat less,

(2) don't ask for money all the time,

(3) are easier to train,

(4) normally come when called,

(5) never ask to drive the car,

(6) don't hang out with drug-using people,

(7) don't smoke or drink,

(8) don't want to wear your clothes,

(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,

(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..