Heartland

What the bible-thumping sepos get up to when the lights are off

Safer for work than you might think - all in all, a pretty disturbing article (not least for the references to "saucy time" ), but the comments section is worth a read and a giggle.

I buy my husband a watermelon every week.

watermelon sex is great, don't knock what you haven't tried

naaah, watermelon's aren't my thing. i'm a cantaloupe person meself

that's just plain weird and a bit bleaugch!

like you said:

don't knock what you haven't tried

but yeah, you might be right about the bleaugch! part

LouLou wrote:naaah, watermelon's aren't my thing. i'm a cantaloupe person meself

You mean yer into us 3?

IZ.

not quite, they're a bit too funky for my liking

LouLou wrote:

I buy my husband a watermelon every week.

Ah, that ancient Middle Eastern wisdom:

'A woman for procreation, a boy for recreation, and a melon for sheer delight.'

...the dark night of the soul that is the long-term relationship...

Although I suppose it would be with either of them...

7anthea7 wrote:

LouLou wrote:

I buy my husband a watermelon every week.

Ah, that ancient Middle Eastern wisdom:

'A woman for procreation, a boy for recreation, and a melon for sheer delight.'

You just want to make sure you don't put it in the microwave for too long, mind - the effect of super-heated melon juice on one's todger causes some interested looks and smirks in A&E (or so I've been led to understand)

7anthea7 wrote:

LouLou wrote:

I buy my husband a watermelon every week.

Ah, that ancient Middle Eastern wisdom:

'A woman for procreation, a boy for recreation, and a melon for sheer delight.'

it was time they left that poor little goat alone!

EvilBastard wrote:

7anthea7 wrote:

LouLou wrote:

Ah, that ancient Middle Eastern wisdom:

'A woman for procreation, a boy for recreation, and a melon for sheer delight.'

You just want to make sure you don't put it in the microwave for too long, mind - the effect of super-heated melon juice on one's todger causes some interested looks and smirks in A&E (or so I've been led to understand)

How do you know that? Personal experience?

it's never personal experience, is it now?

EvilBastard wrote:the effect of super-heated melon juice on one's todger causes some interested looks and smirks in A&E

given up on the chili helmet then?

I'd have thought melon juice woulda bin a 'salve' to a chili helmet too, hmm...

James Blast wrote:

EvilBastard wrote:the effect of super-heated melon juice on one's todger causes some interested looks and smirks in A&E

given up on the chili helmet then?

I'd have thought melon juice woulda bin a 'salve' to a chili helmet too, hmm...

It would if it was cold - the problem is that the natural sugars in the melon juice retain the heat, and when applied to naked skin have roughly the same effect as white phosphorous does - it sticks, it burns, and it keeps on burning, and because the sugar acts as an adhesive it's very difficult to wash it off (as my friends who work in the medical profession are keen to point out, frequently using visual aids in the form of photographs taken for "teaching purposes" - there's some weird people out there doing even weirder things to each other).

And yes, I've given up on the chili helmet (jesus, you just won't let forget about that, will you?:lol: ) - 1 tiny drop of the juice of a scotch bonnet pepper (that 350,000 scovilles to the uninitiated) down your jap's eye makes syphillis almost pleasant. Quick tip: having made yourself a belting chili, refrain from being intimate with yourself or anyone else for about 72 hours to avoid the risk of 3rd degree burns to sensitive flesh. You'll thank me in the morning.

EvilBastard wrote:Quick tip: having made yourself a belting chili, refrain from being intimate with yourself or anyone else for about 72 hours to avoid the risk of 3rd degree burns to sensitive flesh. You'll thank me in the morning.

I was once blinded for almost half-an-hour when I managed to get chillies in both eyes. Not recommended

EvilBastard wrote:1 tiny drop of the juice of a scotch bonnet pepper (that 350,000 scovilles to the uninitiated) down your jap's eye makes syphillis almost pleasant. Quick tip: having made yourself a belting chili, refrain from being intimate with yourself or anyone else for about 72 hours to avoid the risk of 3rd degree burns to sensitive flesh. You'll thank me in the morning.

Thanks for the warning but 20 years too late I like my chilli hot, but I once added several Scotch Bonnets to mine in ignorant bliss. After being unable to finish my chilli that night (unheard of till then), I put the remains in the freezer (where it remained till I moved out a year later) and decided on a quiet night in. Given the results, I'm assuming that the contents of the freezer ended up burning a hole all the way to Australia