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Posted: 25 May 2003, 08:00
Linux Kernel Delayed By Microsoft's Army of Evil Monkeys
Around the World - Linus Torvalds announced yesterday that the Linux Kernel 2.4 will be delayed. He blamed the delay on interference from Microsoft's Army of Evil Monkeys. The army has been disrupting the lives of key Linux programmers, and in some cases destroying portions of code. Torvalds himself has been a victim of several Evil Monkey attacks.
Steve Ballmer denied any involvement by Microsoft in the matter. "We did receive the Army of Evil Monkeys when we purchased evil from Satan, but those monkeys are only temporary employees and not actual employees of Microsoft. Whatever they do on their own time is their business."
If the accusations prove to be true, then this could have a major effect on the Justice Department's anti-trust case against Microsoft. Joel Klein said, "If this story is accurate, then this is just one more example of how Microsoft is using its monopoly power to stifle competition."
"It has been horrible," said Linux programmer Rob Timmons, "the evil monkeys were everywhere. Trashing my computer, [defecating] in my bed. I lost several days worth of work."
Internal Microsoft e-mails obtained by BBspot tell of a secret monkey training ground where monkeys are trained to seek out and harass Linux programmers. The only comments from Bill Gates have been, "Fly my pretty, fly!"