Heartland

Hi There All

OK so I have been away for over a year, and for that I apologise. ONE of the myriad reasons can bee seen from the title of this subject. THAT "situation" took up too much of my time in 2009.

I have, this last month/week or so come out of / ended a Polyamorous Reationships and would like your opinions on what you like/dislike about such activity in a modern age?

For those who I have no idea what I am going on about -see here -

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

I am sure that link will help.

Ive no wish to go into detail, except in then course of replies to those - who - um reply. Suffice to say that I for one believe that intimate (read sexual) relationships work best on honesty and trust and to try and circumvent these will only end in tears - as is much the case with myself.

Thanks in advance for any replies, as I know its a lot ro ask, having been "away" so long.

AX

get bent

Thank you James - KNEW I could rely on you to give an honest opinion ;-P

it was honest, I didna ken ye the last time ye decided tae grace oor shores BTW

James Blast wrote:it was honest, I didna ken ye the last time ye decided tae grace oor shores BTW

You do know me James - Fellow CELTIC Heartlander - im sure you remember!

that was Rev 1.0, I didna get oan wi the Rev 2.0 ATG, mind?

James Blast wrote:that was Rev 1.0, I didna get oan wi the Rev 2.0 ATG, mind?

WTF? Lost me now there James? Im sorry to say - WHAT have I missed HERE?

I'd like to reply, as have experience of a very similar situation more or less. But feels a bit weird on a public forum where you set yourself up for judgement (and tearing down) by people who are reasonably anonymous.

Ultimately the logics there and I think it's a nice idea in some ways but in practice rare is the person and their emotions that can do it.

On the other hand these situations i.e. falling in love with more than one person and then trying to deal honestly with all parties as opposed to hiding it re an affair do happen naturally, and then have to be dealt with.

My problem with conventional relationships is they are impossible to sustain, and what they become are not reflections of what people want from love / sex etc. I think they are also very stifling re living, changing, growing up and exploring the world. I'm not really sure what the answer is but definitely think our current norm needs some more options attached that reflect our real desires and emotions. One option is to fufill your different needs from different people e.g your emotional significant other is not a partner or the person you have sex with.

But that's just me, and I am crap at relationships (and marriages). Also I have no functional family and I think you often view relationships differently as you can have a tendency to require an awful lot from one person thus I don't have a positive view of their ultimate success.

Is that helpful?

Well I think it's part of human nature really. Look in some of the cultures that have been doing it forever, starting from their exsistance. Look at the modern world today with regards to sexuality, accepted in certain parts of the world but when religious views (out dated at that) are looked at also we are shown their total ignorance. A quick glance into our history and the times and it's always been there.

It's now about what you want as a person and what's working for you. Quite simple. Also never worry what another person might think, because it's none of their business!

If you are loving, having sex and not hurting anyone with what you are doing, then it can only be good. IMHO.

nah, not for me-one mad wunnin is enough

Andy TG wrote:
Suffice to say that I for one believe that intimate (read sexual) relationships work best on honesty and trust

Not just in a polyamourous relationship. If you'd have been in a monogamous relationship without trust or honesty, you would have ended up in the same situation surely?Was it truly a polyamourous relationship or was it a case of one of the partners had to conceed to 'keep' what they saw as the relationship match they wanted on an even keel.

What's the difference between that and that delightful set of circumstances known as the 'open relationship?' I've looked and can't really see a difference so would genuinely like to know.To me it's just a trumped up name for people who can't make up their minds and worry that something better might come along. Or do I mean selfish? NOT TO BE TAKEN PERSONALLY.

I like what Stephen Fry said, was along the lines of that you can be dishonest and disloyal without it being illegal, and on some level have to be to follow more than one love, but if you tell two people Look I think you're both absolutely smashing, I want to marry you both, you can't do that.

I think that different people work in different ways and society doesn't really recognise that yet, we're still having problems with teh gays.

So....It's like having your cake and eating it. Then eating some other cake. Or 2 cakes at once.
Up to you mate, live your life how you want to, or as the Levellers sang....
"There's only one way of life and that's your own."

sex - for sure.
true love - can't imagine.
end.

Polyamory?

I have a colleague who talked about this very enthousiastic.
She talked her husband into accepting it and had a boyfriend.
After a while the boyfriend was not interesting anymore and was
replaced.

In her case and without a doubt in many cases....an excuse and acceptance
to f**k around. I don't care as long as my own girlfriend doesn't start with this crap.

Don't mess around is what I say.

People are not objects. If you don't love the one you are with anymore, just be a man and tell her, then dump/divorce and get another one.

But do it by the book (not necessarily The Book).

Ah, I'm quite conservative in that area.

You can go out and play, but have your dinner at home.

IZ.

Izzy HaveMercy wrote:Don't mess around is what I say.

People are not objects. If you don't love the one you are with anymore, just be a man and tell her, then dump/divorce and get another one.

But do it by the book (not necessarily The Book).

Ah, I'm quite conservative in that area.

You can go out and play, but have your dinner at home.

IZ.

Isn't this just a posh word for "swinging"?

I don't really have any opinion. So long as the people involved are consenting adults, all agreeable to the arrangement, and nobody gets hurt, then they can live their lives how they want and it's really none of my business.

As I understand it, there is a verse in the Qur'an to the effect that while it is legal for a man to have more than one wife, it is impossible for him to treat more than one fairly.

boudicca wrote:

You're telling me! There's a blast from the past!

Couldn't comment on polyamory - I've seen it tried, seen it work, and seen it fail. I'd never even consider trying it myself, considering the carnage I can create with only ONE other person.

Pista wrote:

Izzy HaveMercy wrote:Don't mess around is what I say.

People are not objects. If you don't love the one you are with anymore, just be a man and tell her, then dump/divorce and get another one.

But do it by the book (not necessarily The Book).

Ah, I'm quite conservative in that area.

You can go out and play, but have your dinner at home.

IZ.

Isn't this just a posh word for "swinging"?

If it looks like a duck, flies like a duck, shits like a duck and quacks like a duck, it certainly ain't a polyamory in MY Wiki!

IZ.

Eh? Love who you want, when you want, and how you want. As long as everyone consents, who cares? To me, that's a no brainier. Anyone who tells you otherwise is probably trying to push a religion on you - or is jealous.

Now having said that, I'd probably never touch sexual polyamory myself, because I love the intimacy of a one-on-one relationship, and it just seems like too much work. Damn, took me 35 years to find ONE person I feel completely comfortable with; at this rate I would polyamorous shortly before my 70s.

nodubmanshouts wrote:Eh? Love who you want, when you want, and how you want. As long as everyone consents, who cares? To me, that's a no brainier. Anyone who tells you otherwise is probably trying to push a religion on you - or is jealous.

What he said.