Heartland

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.
"The circus?" Repeats the duck.
"That's right," Replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again. with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .


"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"

As it happens, in the same bar where the duck was having his lunch, two rabbits were also taking their lunch break (for the record they were architects).
The first rabbit goes to the bar and asks what they have in the way of food. The barman (no longer surprised that animals are coming to the pub for lunch) says, "We can do you some toasted sandwiches - we've got ham, cheese, ham and cheese, and cheese and onion."
The rabbit orders 2 pints of Guinness, a ham and cheese, and a cheese & onion for his friend (who's vegetarian).
Shortly thereafter the second rabbit goes to the bar, orders another round of Guinness and repeats the order for the toasted sandwiches.
"I'm sorry," says the barman, "but we're all out of ham."
"No problem," replies the rabbit. "Give me 2 cheese & onion then."
He takes the sandwiches back to the table, and gives his friend one of them. His friend takes a couple of bites, and all of a sudden his eyes bug out of his head and he clutches his throat, choking.
"What's the matter?!" exclaims his friend.

The choking rabbit points to the sandwich and gasps, "Mixing my toasties!"

I'll get my cloak

that was very guid

Good one EB,

Miximatosis

That bar certainly is a popular haunt for animals isn't it......Anyone else got any other stories from it?

I do know of a chicken that goes into a library, goes up to the desk and says "Buk".
is given a book, takes it back to the farm & gives it to a frog who says "redit".

Not sure if the said chicken frequents that bar though

originalgoth wrote:Good one EB,

Miximatosis

That bar certainly is a popular haunt for animals isn't it......Anyone else got any other stories from it?

A white horse goes into the same bar and asks for a beer--the bartender says "we've got a whisky named after you"

The white horse looks at him and replies,
What......Eric ??

Thanks Sam1,

Anyone know what this bar's called & where it is ?
I'd love to visit it sometime.

Another horse goes into the same bar, the bartender asks "Why the long face?"

A bear goes into the same bar and says "Can I have a pint of . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . bitter please?" The barman says "sure, but why the big pause?"

The bar in question is part of an international chain. The other night I was in the one in Tombstone, AZ (real place, seriously).
A Labrador came in, one of his legs in plaster. The barman said, "Can I help you, sir?"
The dog replied, "I'm looking for the man who shot mah paw."

EvilBastard wrote:The bar in question is part of an international chain. The other night I was in the one in Tombstone, AZ (real place, seriously).
A Labrador came in, one of his legs in plaster. The barman said, "Can I help you, sir?"
The dog replied, "I'm looking for the man who shot mah paw."

oh god.

and yet still i laughed.

kill me now

It’s not just animals who frequent the bar, though. I was in there a couple of weeks ago and saw my old friend, Fox’s Glacier Mint. He was having a quiet drink with Cola Cube, when all of a sudden Pear Drop came in. We all know Pear Drop as a bit of a bully – he went over to where Fox’s Glacier Mint was sitting, picked up his pint, and tipped it out on the floor. Then he grabbed Fox’s by the collar, lifted him out of his chair and snarled,
“You stupid w@nker – you’ve gone and spilled your pint on my suit. You’d better give me 20 quid for the dry-cleaning or I’ll give you a kicking.�
“I’m, I’m sorry, Pear Drop,� stammered Fox’s. “That was so stupid of me. Here, take the 20.�
Cola Cube had been watching all of this, and when Pear Drop had gone back to his mates he said, “You know, Fox’s – you really should learn to stand up for yourself.�
“I know,� said Fox’s Glacier Mint, “But Pear Drop’s such a bully, and I’m scared of him.�

Then, the other night, Cola Cube and Fox’s Glacier Mint were in again, and Tune came over. He took Cola Cube’s pint, tipped it out on the floor, then grabbed him by the throat and demanded a tenner to have his shoes cleaned. Coal Cube meekly handed it over.
Fox’s was astonished. “Hold on a minute,� he said. “Didn’t you tell me the other day that I should stand up for myself? You’re a fine one to talk – Tune just walked all over you!�
Cola Cube replied, “What was I to do? That Tune – he’s menthol!�

Then a thin strip of tarmac came in. Everyone was terrified because he was a cycle-path.

I thought I saw you at the bar that night, chatting up the Cadbury's Caramel Rabbit. Next time you're in come over and say hello.

told the duck joke at work.
it appeared to be funny