Heartland

(Translated from the english intae Scots by yours truly)

50 shades ay Ned - �As he approached wi thay pasty white airms hinging oot ey his Kappa vest, his smile telt me it were Giro day n' ah ken ma vel…wur tracksuit 'd be hinging aff ey thi lamp shade thi night.� “It wur Davies birthday. Ah wuz prepairun his speshul tea ay Findus Crispy Pancakes n' Pot Noodle. Ah wuz gaunnae let him tek mi any way thit he wanted thi night. His favrit posishun wuz whut he cawd 'The Dogs ay War. Whaur he took mi frae behind n' played Call ay Duty arra same time.� “Wur 6 week anniversary wuz approachin'. This wud be ra longest relationship ah'd hud wi'oot becoming pregnant. I thought ay this as he lay oan top ay me makin' lurve. His skinny airms straddled ma heid like breadsticks twa side ay an orange. As ah rubbed his whiter then white back ah imagined ivray mole ah felt was spelling oot Braille fur "Ah love ye�. “As ah stood in line a' thi Bru thinking ay reasons ah couldnae work, a moakit aroma drifted past ma pig like nostrils. It wurra mixture ay weed, B.O. n' Lynx Africa. Ah turned roond n' thair wuz Davie. Wur eyes met n' he wuz soon lifting mi oantae ra wheelie bins roond ah back ay thi Lidl. He hud tied up his wee dug tae block thi ally way so we wouldnae be disturbed. Thur wuzza jaikie gien us a swatch but it just added tae thi mystery. Ah kent it wur lurve n' ma life wouldnae be ra same.� “Ma Ma telt mi tae gie Davie thi heave haw manys a time due tae thi violence but ah kent he lurved me as he eways took aff his rings afore he skelpt me. Thi night though he wuz in a puir radge mood , Ah hud ****** up his tea eftir failing tae de-frost his prawn ring ah hud nicked frae Farm Foods. He picked oop thi power lead frae ma bairns mega drive n' skelped it across ma doughy ****. It stung but ah lurved it. Ah shouted again n' again so he carried oan. Ah thought ma shell suit would rip intae a million pieces. As ah looked ower ma shoodir ah swatched his Weetabix wallied smile. He even hud a stonner which is rerr as ra jellies normally played havoc wi' his dobber."

And for our readers south of the border

50 shades of Chav.�As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my vel…our tracksuit would be hanging off the lamp shade tonight.� “It was Dwayne’s birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Pot Noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His favourite position was what he called The Dogs of War. Where he took me from behind and played Call of Duty at the same time.� “Our 6 week anniversary was approaching. This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange. As I rubbed his whiter than white back I imagined every mole I felt was spelling out Braille for I love you� “As I stood in line at the Job Centre thinking of reasons I couldn’t work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind the Iceland. He had tied up his Staffy to block the ally way so we wouldn’t be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery. I knew it was love and my life would never be the same.� “My mum had told me to leave Dwayne many times due to the violence but I knew he loved me as he always took his rings off before he hit me. Tonight though he was in a foul mood, I had ****** his tea up after failing to de-frost his prawn ring I had nicked from farm foods. He picked up the power lead from my kids mega drive and whipped it across my doughy ****. It stung but I liked it. I shouted again again so he carried on. I thought my shell suit would rip into a million pieces. As I looked over my shoulder I saw his Weetabix toothed smile. He even had a semi on which is rare as the crack normally played havoc with his erections."

Scotish version rocks

Mr Marx should write an autobiography called "Fifty Shades Of Gary" and hope that people get confused.