Heartland

Two women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home got caught short.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her
panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said
"We'd better keep an eye on our wives you know, mine came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck in her ass that said 'From all the lads at the fire station. We'll never forget you'."



Sent to me by a fire-fighter ...

Carrying on the woman thread ...

I've often thought that the World would be a lot better off with more women in prominent positions. The following story helps to illustrate why!

"Women Are Smarter Than Men"

A beautiful woman and a man are involved in a car accident.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Perusers of joke of the day may be aware that I've threatened to bring out what I call "my favourite joke". Don't get me wrong - I know how bad this joke actually is, but for some reason I find it side-splittingly funny and tell it regularly when drunk.

Whereupon, I will laugh uproariously and roll around on the floor, while everyone in earshot looks at each other and says "thats not funny".

On top of this, it's the only joke I've ever been able to remember.

So here goes, the joke about the duck and the bread...

A duck walks into a bar and sits on the counter and says: "Have you got any bread?" With this the barman looked stunned at the talking duck and said: "Ahmm. No" The duck looked staisfied with this answer and then looked at the shelves and drinks on them, again he turned to the barman and asked: "Have you got any bread?"

The barman, still quite stunned looked at the duck and said: "No, This is a bar, theres a bakery three doors down, we have no bread here!" The duck looked staisfied with this answer and then looked around again, saying: "You must have bread, have a look outside the back, there must be SOME bread around somewhere!" The barman getting decidedly pissed off, says: "For f**k sake duck, WE HAVE NO BREAD!!"

The duck looked stunned at the answer, and then asked again: "HAVE YOU GOT ANY BREAD"
"f**k OFF"
"I JUST WANT SOME BREAD"
"I TOLD YOU...."
"HAVE YOU GOT ANY BREAD?"
"LISTEN.....DUCK.....IF YOU ASK ME FOR BREAD ONCE MORE I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR FUCKIN BEAK TO THE COUNTER!!!!"

The duck, looks at the barman stunned and asks : "Have you got any nails?" The barman says: "NO" The duck pauses, then asks: "Have you got any bread?"

*Jim is now rolling on the floor in hysterics and will be out of action for quite some time*

I thank you.

Jim wrote:*Jim is now rolling on the floor in hysterics and will be out of action for quite some time*

I thank you.

Hehehe. That's funny. And I'm not even drunk (although I probably should be).

It's mostly in the way you tell it.

Really build the bastard up and then, POW, the punchline is so underwhelming they can't help but laugh, or cry.

Must try to remember that one for the next Friday in the pub...