Heartland

Interesting (and funny) take on the 'split' from Wayne...

The front room at 27, Ashville Grove, Headingley, Leeds, LS6, September-ish 1985.

Phone rings. Wayne picks up the receiver. "Yep?"
"Huss, Addo here. Do you wanna go to the Fav for a pint? I got something I wanna talk about."
"Yeh, sure, I'll meet you at the bus stop in half an hour, gotta do my hair first. You got any of that Aquanet Extra Super Hold left?"
40 minutes later Craig and Wayne are sat at the back on the top deck of a double decker bus heading into town, each toking on a Silk Cut.
"So, is Stevie getting the whizz delivered before the weekend? I fancy Friday night out down the Warehouse and then onto the Phono."
"Dunno. He was up in his room when I left. Don't think he's very happy. He went into town to buy the new Flowerpot Men single and 'cos he was a bit pissed he got confused and ended up buying the Woodentops instead. Got home, went up to his room, put it on, realised his mistake and threw the record out of the window along with his stereo, speakers n’all."
"What, from the top floor? Did it hit any of the students from across the street? Shame. Aw, I love Stevie, he's a right Sex Pistol."
"So, what's up?"
"Ah, I wanna leave the band. I can't stand that pompous twit anymore."
"Yeh, I know what you mean."
"Fancy leaving with me and starting a new, proper band?"
" Yeh, bloody right. Who's gonna be the singer though?"
"Ah, you can be the singer, you're better looking than me.�
“And singing bass players look crap. Look at Sting and that bloke out of Level 42."
“Aye, ‘nuff said.�
"But I’m gonna have to write words for the songs. I ain't ever done that before."
"Oh, just string any old bollocks together, it's only journalists and other singers that take any notice of the words anyway."
"That sounds easy enough.�
(to be continued.....)

like

Part two of the 'Serpent's Kiss' sleevenotes written by Wayne.

Wayne: “Right, what about a name?"
Craig: "Don't worry about that. We'll just use something for the time being that will annoy him. Something better'll come up later when we're whizzing."
"And what about getting other people in the band. You know I don't like many people, most of 'em are knobs, but I don't wanna play with a drum machine anymore, they can't chop 'em out."
"I know this bloke, Mick, plays with the Lorries. He's mental and he likes his whizz. We could nick him."
"Sounds brilliant. Can he play?"
"Dunno but he hits 'em hard."
"Well, that's good enough for us then. What about another guitarist? I know I'm pretty good myself but I'm gonna find it hard to sing and play guitar at the same time."
"We could put an ad in the back of Melody Maker and down at Jumbo."
"Yeh, guitarist wanted for new band. Must be from The North. Experience and technical ability not essential but must be slinky. No Manchester United supporters need apply."
"Hang on, you're not from the North, you're from Bristol!"
"Yeh, but I lived in Liverpool for 6 years before I lived in Leeds, that makes me an adopted northerner."
Craig raises his left eyebrow. "Really? Mmmm…
So, what kind of band shall we be?"
"I reckon a cross between Motörhead, Led Zeppelin, U2, and the Cure�
“Yeh, with a bit of Iggy and the Doors thrown in and we'll be laughing.�
“Too right. A bit rock, a bit goth, but with tunes."
“And we can dress up in my mum’s old blouses and get some of those cheap skinny black jeans down the market.�
“Yeh, I like that and, you know, as singer, I could wear a bit of lippy as well, that’d be tarty. Goes with my surname.�
“Yeh, and t’other blokes in the band have to be good looking too, we can’t have any ugly buggers in the band. Image is important, I reckon. Duran Duran don’t have any real mingers in their ranks, do they? Well, their guitarist was a bit rough but they got shot of him. And, thinking about it, I suppose that Nick Rhodes ain’t really the rugged, handsome sort either, is he? I’ll shut up.�
“And we could go on tour all the time, none of this staying at home lark. None of this taking months in the studio spending days on a snare sound or a bit of feedback. Get in there, bang ‘em down, and get out on tour, see the world. That’s where the real action is. Whizz, booze, sex, and no sleep.�
“Brilliant.�
“Yeh, and we’ll have records in the charts, we’ll get on Top Of The Pops and on Radio 1, and I’ll get my ugly mug on the cover of Smash Hits and Melody Maker.�
“Aye, but we won’t talk to the NME, right?�
“Damn right. Hate those bastards. They’re always going on about those poncey jingley jangly guitar bands like Orange Juice and the Smiths. Bloody rubbish if you ask me.�
“Yeh, and the Woodentops.�
“Yeh, all this anti-rockist stuff is crap, innit? We’ll be the ones to put a bit of sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll back into the mix, eh? Just say no? Puh. Just say yes, I reckon.�
“Our stop’s coming up, come on, ring the bell.�

Love it

Wayne: “Right, what about a name?"
Craig: "Don't worry about that. We'll just use something for the time being that will annoy him

I really like that

I would like to have a third part if inspiration strikes again

...My application to The Marching Men was equally chaotic.

Never played bass, didn't own a bass but fancied giving it a go. It kinda worked, too.

When dollysplit was formed there seemed to be a lot more blood than that. is that not normal?

3rd and final instalment of the Hussey scribed sleevenotes for 'Serpent's Kiss'.

10 minutes later: Sat in the corner of the Fav, Craig with a pint of Stella in one hand and a newly lighted ciggie in the other and Wayne with a pint of Strongbow and black and a newly lighted ciggie in his grubby mitts.
Craig takes a drag and exhales: “And we’ll win all the readers polls in the music mags, we’ll play arenas and stadiums and headline Reading Festival a couple of times.�
“And we can split up a few times on tour as well, that always makes for a good news story. Let’s take the press for a bit of a ride, I reckon.�
“Yeh, I’ll take too many drugs and have a nervous breakdown and leave the band.�
“In America.�
“Can’t wait.�
“And in 25 years time, uh, when will that be?�
“Hang on. 10, 20, 25…, that’ll be 2010, 2011, summat like that.�
“Here, you’re good at maths, you can do the bands accounts. Anyway, yeh, in 2011 we’ll get back together to celebrate our 25th anniversary and play sold out shows across the world.�
“Aye, if we’re still alive.�
“And in 2014 or something like that the record company will wanna release a best of album.�
“Bloody hell! A best of? You’re pushing it a bit there, aren’t you, Huss?�
“Well, you gotta dream big, Addo, me laddo. Reach for the stars and we might just pull ourselves up out of the gutter. Anyway, what’s up with you? We’re gonna be the best band in the world. Maybe not the biggest but defo the best.�
“Here, that girl you shagged in the bogs at the Warehouse last weekend has just walked in.�
“Oh, bloody hell. I’m off. See you later.�
“Yeh, in 2014.� Addo takes another a drag from his Silkie and laughs.