Heartland

After rewriting Alice in the "Alan" thread, I thought I'd try another. So here's a cautionary tale of what happens if you go to the chip shop too late.

No Time to Fry

There's just some scampi
I get sometimes
Some scampi
No fries
And I get whiting
Some pike too
Have you tried wahoo
But there's
(No no no) No salmon fishcakes
(No no no) Not at this time of night
(No no no) We’ll soon be closing down
(No no no) No time to fry

Sometimes we’ve got other fish
Like cod or hake or anchovies too
There’s still some haddock left
But it’s so hard and undercooked
You might just end up coming down with
Something I won’t care to name and
What did you expect to find
This close to closing time again there’s
(No no no) No yellowfin stakes
(No no no) No crayfish tails tonight
(No no no) Try Mario’s in town
(No no no) No time to fry

The herring might be alright
Periwinkles could be fine
Some nights I sell them cheap
Or some tuna soaked in brine but I keep
No whitebait here
No more stargazy pie
No fancy batter made with beer and it’s
Far too late to fry
There’s
(No no no) No softshell clambake
(No no no) We’re closing for the night
(No no no) Wipe the equipment down
(No no no) No time to fry

made me smile, nice one.

Afterhours (Breakfast version)

One more night spent on your mirror
Black pudding, in your eyes
This muffin strange and lonely
Full English fades away
In your eyes

Tea brew on in the morning
Ninety-four degrees

Through the grill pan through the heat
The eggs are fried on Fifth and
hob’s on low
Get up off the floor and bagel
Put your clothes on
It's a Danish for us to go

Let's take a ride

No really, I'm getting hungry

Fantastic lyrics

Pista wrote:Afterhours (Breakfast version)

One more night spent on your mirror
Black pudding, in your eyes
This muffin strange and lonely
Full English fades away
In your eyes

Tea brew on in the morning
Ninety-four degrees

Through the grill pan through the heat
The eggs are fried on Fifth and
hob’s on low
Get up off the floor and bagel
Put your clothes on
It's a Danish for us to go

Let's take a ride

That's some hot tea!

Well done both!

WHATEVER GLAND - A PIGMENT?

I had a face in the mirror
A hand on the brush
It all seemed a rush
A ticket to alopecia

I'd had every style upon my head
A mullet and a quiff
I had worn them all
Too long, but never over-stiff
But now, comb it out and watch it fall

Hihi ... well done, everybody ... ...

million voices wrote:WHATEVER GLAND - A PIGMENT?

I had a face in the mirror
A hand on the brush
It all seemed a rush
A ticket to alopecia

I'd had every style upon my head
A mullet and a quiff
I had worn them all
Too long, but never over-stiff
But now, comb it out and watch it fall

I'd been trying, unsuccessfully, to come up with something around Alopecia My Reflection - clearly I was working on the wrong song.

I also thought about Lucretia but I was put off by the number of verses
My parody can only stretch so far, as illustrated below

PORCH

And buy the porch
While stocks last
It's double glazed and u-PVC
How can I help you when you don't know what you need
Would you prefer a conservatory

It will keep out all the water
So please don't walk away
And would you
Would you buy a new porch
From me?

And what if I gave you the key
To the door of your design?
Lit the corridors of desire
White, red, blue or black
Hard and so draught free
You would not need to light that fire

It will keep out all the water
So please don't walk away
And would you
Would you buy a new porch
From me?

I have two other possible Lucretia ideas on the go, but they're still a long way off being complete.

Meanwhile

Condominium

Take a look at the height
There’s hot water all day
It’s a new highrise
With a big hallway
And the smart veneer that lies inside
And the floor’s parquet
Maybe some day I’ll own one
Pray, pray, pray:

Some day, some day, some day
Condominium
Could be mine
Some day, some day, some day
Condominium
All those stairs
For me to climb

Balcony at the back
On the highest level
Floors stretch far away
In the heat of the action
When the wind gets up
Will it hold or sway
Interior design
Puts all the rest shame
And I’m betting the panes don’t gather dust
Those venetian blinds
Drawstring, string, string, string

Some day, some day, some day
Condominium
Could be mine
Some day, some day, some day
Condominium
All those stairs
For me to climb

Blimey! I struggled with something as short as Afterhours.

Finally...

Viagra My Erection

It’s really sore and a bit obscene
Too filthy to be seen
Hot gristle, a big woody
But it won’t go down
No it won’t go down

Had some amour with my big machine
Two girls and me between
Love, lust, over the hill
Couldn’t do it so took a pill, I went
Muff diving, and
I went down
But now it won’t go down

I ignored all the warnings of side-effects
Went down, got undressed
Ate kitty but woe is me,
I got the condom, I got to pee
I got a boner, now as then,
It won't wilt, it won't change direction,
Viagra, my erection, calm my post for me

It looks hard
It looks blue
It looks hard, is it for real
We’ve seen some things in this ER
But that stiffy goes too far
Can I feel
Can we feel
Have a feel

A long dong held up needs some first aid
A hard-on held up, a rager
Once was tiny
Now it's hung...

It’s really sore and it’s turning green
All smeared with Vaseline
Need methadone or morphine
Cos it won’t go down...

I got a pork sword, now as then,
Knock me out, I don't like injections,
Viagra, my erection, calm my post for me

I was also trying to come up with something about a by-election, but the only line I could think of was "Past the post with me."

I would love to hear an mp3 version of those lyrics performed

Excellent - not just "stiff" competition but level entirely

Wonderful stuff

iesus wrote:I would love to hear an mp3 version of those lyrics performed

... ... good idea. This thread is definitely fun ... ...

pish!

paint it black wrote:pish!

... ...

iesus wrote:I would love to hear an mp3 version of those lyrics performed

Maybe Von'll sing them at a future concert.

You could use it as the basis of a concept album

"The Rise And Rise of Alan"

million voices wrote:You could use it as the basis of a concept album

"The Rise And Rise of Alan"

As we've seen, Alan's rise landed him in hospital.