Heartland

After 31 years at the forefront of alcoholic indulgence I hereby retire from the vicious battlefield that is boozing. From a young start on neat scotch at weddings, to initial dalliances with strong cider, then bitter, lager and white russians in red square, I progressed. Some fondly refer to what later were became known as the "Guinness Years" when the Irish stout became a fuel for life itself, and in some cases breakfast before some of my more heroic battles. Obviously no man's constitution, or indeed his colon, can survive on such a diet, and this gave way to the bottle beer trend of the early nineties. Ashahi, Sol, Dos Equis, Corona, Elephant, Decado, Delerium Tremens, Michelob, Budvar, Staropramen (ah dear old "Strap"), Baltica (could you ever drink the hungry duck dry?) plus the legion of chasers, vodka, bourbon, the demon agave bitch - tequila, the horror or such loon-fuel as absinthe, potcheen, grappa, aquavit, white and dark rum, that odd aniseed one the Krauts drink, pastis, even baileys.

But I have of late but wherefore I know not lost all my tolerance for late nights of the sauce and swift recoveries the next day. When a chap needs all weekend to recover from one night's indulgence that's bad enough. When it inhibits his ability to enjoy other necessities such as food, cigarettes and particularly the company of exquisite females, he knows a bell has been rung somewhere for him, and his time is up.

Alcohol - brother, mother, secret lover, devil in a black dress, I bid thee farewell.

Major de Coverly wrote:

Alcohol - brother, mother, secret lover, devil in a black dress, I bid thee farewell.

Let me tell you a few things my dear Major, about that devil in that black dress.

She is jealous lover and she never lets go. When you think you have ditched her for good, she's there begging you to return to her loving arms, only to savage you, once you do sumbit to her seductive advances.

I speak from long experience.......Good luck, dearie, with your quest for sobriety. My devil by the way is a tall dark man in black leather...I'll never be quite out of his grasp.

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/

Speaking from experience, I'd be willing to bet you'll be off the wagon by the end of the year...

Scardwel wrote:Speaking from experience, I'd be willing to bet you'll be off the wagon by the end of the year...

End of the year? From personal experience I would say the end of the day. As BP says, she's a siren who will sing you a song you will always hear. Even in your sleep.

Having said that 20 years of booze hasn't done me any harm. Other that I'm repeatedly mistaken for Keith Richards. Albeit with a Charlie Watts haircut.

Keith Richards is a tall dark man in leather. John Boy, BP, how about finding a big white bed?

Johnny Boy wrote: Having said that 20 years of booze hasn't done me any harm. Other that I'm repeatedly mistaken for Keith Richards. Albeit with a Charlie Watts haircut.

LMAO

Major de Coverly wrote:Keith Richards is a tall dark man in leather. John Boy, BP, how about finding a big white bed?

You know better that...I said.

Major de Coverly wrote:Keith Richards is a tall dark man in leather

And that's just his skin.

The best of luck on your journey Major Colonel.

Just trying to doing my very best for you Planety. If you choose to decline my many and varied invitations of an evening in the bridal suite at de Coverly towers, the very least that an officer and gentleman can do is to see you* left in good (leather gloved) hands.

* Metaphysically- not literally: I'm not suggesting any sort of voyeurism here, nice as the thought may be. Corporal P. is your best authority on all things metaphysical.

LOL I have never resisted your advances my dear Major. You just seem to be placing me in that big white bed with men other than yourself. Oh and please, voyeurism has its merits...

Very weak on the G&T's Major

Heartland!

Big Si wrote:Heartland!

arf!

you wish

Stella.


Not very well.

Major de Coverly wrote:Corporal P. is your best authority on all things metaphysical.

Corporal? I suppose that would make me fodder for the all-too-physical cannon. Let me know if you're planning to charge the Light Brigade anytime soon--I'll call in sickies.

Pull yourself together Corporal. An army is only as strong as its weakest foot soldier. There will be no sickies from you when the cannon's out. A good hard days work, all hands on deck, work up a bit of a sweat and it'll be home for crumpets with lashings and lashings of cream for tea. Your whip, of course. I'll bring the cream.

Oh my. That fighting talk and memories of the Hussars has made the blood rush to the head. Think I'll have a lie down.

I've long since given up giving up.
Sooner or later I always succumb.

Guess that's whyI'm moving out to the country.
Gonna git me a wine cellar and entertain.
Middle-age must be hoving into view!

PS

I'm very partial to oaked Zinfandel if anyone is interested...

Well I gave up smoking for 6 months last year. Went to Canada, started smoking again. Came back. Quit again in April. Pretty much stopped drinking as well. I'm 26. Is my life over already?

Plus I went into my old local today (first time for 3 months. Saw an advert for someone needing a guitarist. Looked interesting. Only people aged 16-23 could apply. Seem I'm too old for rock and roll as well now.

I'm giving up...nothing at all

Major de Coverly wrote:Pull yourself together Corporal. An army is only as strong as its weakest foot soldier. There will be no sickies from you when the cannon's out. A good hard days work, all hands on deck, work up a bit of a sweat

But I have a tummy ache.

As was mentioned by my goodself many moon ago on this very platform - I have now quit "smoking" - its only been two days (including today) but its a start!

I have sellotaped a 14mg Nicotine patch to my arm - it "seems" to be working!

@ Major de Coverly - best of luck with your continued battle with booze! - I myself have flirted with that "Devil in a Black Dress" - nowadays I have got it down to just the underwear (meaning I dont "drink" as much as I used too! - I guess its an age thing!)

Giving up cigarettes and alcohol is a doddle. I do it every Monday morning. Generally back on them again by Wednesday night, Thursday at the latest. Weekends just drag when you're not hung over in the morning and drunk again by tea time! Sorry dear, can't do that wallpapering now, you wouldn't want me to fall off the ladder, would you. A colleague recently informed me it wasn't obligatory to get drunk every time you go to a pub. Personally, I think it's a slur on the landlord's reputation if you walk out in a straight line.

I'm with Mr Sinatra on this one:

All, or nothing at all.