Heartland

The ruling, set to be introduced in a raft of legislation this Autumn, means that companies will have to make provision for pleasantly dark corners and pints of cider and black at all staff events, as well as ensuring other employees undergo Andrew Eldritch awareness and sensitivity training.

“Really, this is the thin end of the wedge. If this goes through then we’ll have to employ shoegazers next, and having to listen to My Bloody Valentine is a fast route to bankruptcy.�