Heartland

There are decades where nothing happens; and there are weeks where decades happen.

So I know that I've not been around for a while. I kind of want to blow off a bit of steam and if I can't do it here...

Firstly, apologies for being so crap at keeping in touch. But yeah a lot has happened. I think that at last update, both Kerry and my mum were poorly. Good news: Kerry is in complete remission and perfectly healthy. Bad news: my mum passed away a few days ago.

I know that a few of you have met my mum so I want to let folks know how things have been. Mum's decline has not exactly been the easiest experience. I'm trying to think back, I think it started during the Covid lockdowns. She'd already started to lose her vision before she had decided to move from the last house she'd shared with my dad before he died (quite out of the way if you can't see well enough to drive) into a little cottage not far from the church where she and dad had been parishioners. But some time early '22, she caught Covid, and quite frankly I don't think she's been the same since. I think it was around them that we got mum to give me and my brother lasting Power of Attorney; thank fook (in retrospect) that we did. Anyway.

I had previously bought her an Amazon dot thingamajig and programmed it with a few numbers, so if she called out "Alexa call Mark" it would ring me. But after Covid her mental state started to decline quite quickly. I started to get calls from her "Mark, I'm not sure where I am." "Mum you must have called from home; you've rang from your Alexa" and my brother had a some similar calls. I guess we didn't realise quite how bad things had got until one night we had a call from the police; she'd wandered out of her house into the road in the middle of the night...

Thank fook she wasn't hurt; the driver of a car saw her, stopped, and kind of rescued her. She was taken to hospital and they told us (me and my brother) that they didn't think she was safe to live alone any longer. So this was what, just over two years ago, we managed to find her a home quite quickly but bloody hell have you any idea how expensive a home that specialises in dementia patients costs?

But yeah

I don't know if any of you have seen that advert for some dementia charity or other that starts "the first time my mum died..."? Well, that. She started to get me confused for my dad and she seemed to forget that he wasn't with us any more (and I was unwilling to be cruel enough to remind her). She even started to think that her own parents (both of whom died in the 1980s) were visiting her. It was all very strange.

But the last time I saw her, just a couple of weeks ago, even though she was adamant that she'd just got back from a lovely holiday in Australia with my dad, I think she recognised me. When she started to fall asleep before we left, I remembered an old family joke "you're not sleeping are you mum, just resting your eyes" which made her laugh.

And then we got a phone call "your mum's in some respiratory distress; do you want us to take her to the ICU where she'll be tied up with tubes and wires and injections and so forth, or shall we try to manage it in the comfort of her home, in familiar surroundings?"

And then five days later she died.

-

Sorry for the trauma dump but like I say, if not HL then where?

Mark, my sincerest condolences on your loss. I went through something similar when my mother passed just before the pandemic hit. Take solace in the fact that you were able to care for her. Being able to help support my parents at the end of mothers life meant a lot to me.

Oh Mark.
So sorry about your mum.
HL is right here if you're in need of a collective hug.

Hi Mark.

Good to hear from you, but (obviously) I only wish it was under better circumstances. I lost both of mine some time ago, my mother suddenly and my dad similar to your mum. I can only offer empathy and a shoulder, but it's like you said - if not on HL, then where?

When the pain fades you'll still have memories of the good times. You'll always miss them, but those memories will help get you through.

Hugs.

Very sorry for your loss .

Hi Mark

Very sorry to hear this. Both my parents died over the past 10 years - my mother most recently - and it's an incredibly difficult time. Best wishes to you and your family.

I'm so sorry to read this Mark, though also I'll echo Michael's words, it's good to hear from you. I look after folk living with dementia, it's a cruel end but as sultan says, you were able to support your mum at the end of her life. That's priceless, as is the knowledge that she lived a full long natural life.

Always here if you wanna natter over a pint, when the time is right. Deepest condolences to you Mark. Rest in peace Mum Fiendy, apples don't fall far from trees so you must have been a pretty ace tree.

Hi Mark,
Very sorry to hear this. Condolences to the family. Will hopefully catch you at some point in the not too distant future.

It’s definitely fantastic that Mrs Fiend is on the mend.
I’m heartfelt over your mum.
Such sad news, I do believe she’s in a better place now.
I was careless enough to lose both my parents last year. It doesn’t diminish, but it does get easier.

Thinking of you Big Man

Oh, Mark - sending all my love to you and Kerry. So sorry that you've lost your mum. Still not dealing with losing my dad in 2020. xxxx

I don't know you Mark but my heart goes out to you. You've described one of my fears with my parents, but in a way that reminds us of the humanity in there. Life can be very cruel, I have huge admiration for you for posting this and wish you all the very best.

dear Mark,
firstly such awesome news about Kerry am so happy for you both!
secondly so sorry about your mum, may she rest in peace. huge hugs and condolences to you and your family.
know we are here for you but take the time to grieve properly. sending loads of love your way

Nice to hear from you, markfiend ... ... you have been missed.

Such hard times for you, though. Thank you for sharing it with us. And of course, my condolences to you
and RIP to your lovely mum. It's good to see how you managed to do the best for her and in her sense as a family.
Not an easy task.

The best thing, though, is to hear that Kerry is over that creepy mess and all well again. Such a relief.
May the coming decades bring more joyful than worrying times to you both, without any further
mess. All the best wishes and some good energies from here ... ...

I missed your presence here so nice to hear from you again even though they are in difficult times.

Sorry for your loss. From my own experience it does get better and the sadness diminishes slowly into the background.

So sorry for your loss and pain Brother Mark. Losing a parent is harsh whatever the circumstances and dementia is fucking cruel. PMing you my tel. no. because.
Gald Kerry is OK, give her my love please. And you take a big bucket of Lee-Love too. No, more than that- there.
Love you brother.
Always
Lee

Logged on for a catchup, because you're right - Heartland is the place to do it. Nothing but love from us to you, man. It's damnably hard.

All the very best to Kerry - hopefully see you in the New Year. Be well!