29-10-03 The Haka
Posted: 29 Oct 2003, 19:33
Alternatives to the HAKA (for non- rugby people, the ritual dance the All
Black team do at start of a game)
Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to
motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka'before their games, other
nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.
The IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the
following pre-match displays:
a. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and
attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game
and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks
New Zealand are the best team in the world.
b. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing
an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.
c. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a
Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their
dressing room to the pitch, via their opponent's dressing room.
d. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion
following representations from the RSPCA. (with apologies to ATG
)
e. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition Territory,
claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by
the match stewards.
f. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important
than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they
claim the pitch for themselves. The 13 will all dance and chant to
traditional music until they are liberated.
g. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years
they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most
Important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called
'Saving No.8 Lyle'.
h. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of
the team to ransom.
i. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female
stewards and then run away.
j. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then
claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then
curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal
for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.
k. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good
salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high
speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground(with a subsidy
from the UK Government).
l. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the
opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the
halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of
Wales!) and burn the officials.
m. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing
and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come
and live with them in Shepherds Bush.
Black team do at start of a game)
Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to
motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka'before their games, other
nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.
The IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the
following pre-match displays:
a. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and
attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game
and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks
New Zealand are the best team in the world.
b. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing
an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.
c. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a
Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their
dressing room to the pitch, via their opponent's dressing room.
d. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion
following representations from the RSPCA. (with apologies to ATG
)e. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition Territory,
claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by
the match stewards.
f. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important
than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they
claim the pitch for themselves. The 13 will all dance and chant to
traditional music until they are liberated.
g. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years
they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most
Important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called
'Saving No.8 Lyle'.
h. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of
the team to ransom.
i. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female
stewards and then run away.
j. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then
claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then
curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal
for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.
k. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good
salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high
speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground(with a subsidy
from the UK Government).
l. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the
opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the
halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of
Wales!) and burn the officials.
m. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing
and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come
and live with them in Shepherds Bush.
