Heartland

There was this Soviet astronaut, who had gone to the moon and returned to Moscow. The astronaut was feted by the Soviet people and the final reception before his world tour was held in the Kremlin. The Kremlin reception rooms, with their high domes, huge chandeliers and plush red carpets were packed to capacity. The Soviet President, Brezhnev took the astronaut to a quiet corridor and asked:
"Tell me, when you went up there, did you see God?". The astronaut, looked around cautiously and replied in a whisper "Yes, I did." Brezhnev said: "I thought as much, but make certain that you do not tell anybody else about this."

The astronaut left on his world tour and he was given grand receptions in Germany, in England and in the United States. The final reception of the world tour was in the Vatican in Rome.

The reception rooms in the Vatican with their high domes, huge chandeliers and plush red carpets were packed to capacity. The Pope invited the astronaut to a secluded corridor and asked:
" Tell me, when you went up there, did you see God?"

The astronaut looked around cautiously, and remembering Brezhnev's command, replied: "No, I did not see God." The Pope said: "I thought as much, but please do not tell anybody else about this."

Micheal Jackson's off on his holiday...Off to Florida





Well to Tampa..........with the kids

<major intake of breath> Debs!

erm...what?

Now bear with me...and I was gonna wait til tomorrow for this one..but I'm too excited. It's gonna be one of me all time favs along witht eh Fish, the stick and the bison joke...


It might lose a little bit in text...remind me to tell you it in person when we all finally get in a room together..

Why are pirates called pirates??









hee hee








Dunno they just 'arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr'

*sniggers*


nah *Guffaws*

.... the suspense is killing me...

Goferrit Debs!

Oi...it's there

Cheeky scrote

Debaser wrote:*sniggers*


nah *Guffaws*

Oh dear

that's like reading a christmas cracker joke to yourself. It just doesn't work on paper does it

bet it sounds ace after a few pints though

Shoot me now!

khepri II wrote:
bet it sounds ace after a few pints though

It does, it does...I fair tittered fer hours....and made Number One Son tell me it over and over again...

Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A: A drummer.

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Q: How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
A: Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

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Q: What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!

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Q: What does a drummer use for contraception?
A: His personality!

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Q: What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.

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A guy walks into a shop.
"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."

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Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A: "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs?"

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A drummer was trying to learn to play the flute. He practiced for weeks and weeks and still couldn't get a good sound out of it. Finally, he decided that he was hiting it too hard with the stick.

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Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.

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Q: What's the difference between a savings bond and a drummer?
A: Someday the bond will mature and make some money.

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Oxymoron - snare drum music.

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Q: How late does a band play tonight?
A: About half a beat behind the drummer.

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As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered that the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified police, who arrested him.
Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked me.

"I had him arrested," I replied. We said good-bye and hung up.

A few minutes later my friend called back and asked, "How badly did he play?"

On a similatr kick-

What do you call a banjo player with a business card?
Optimistic

What is the difference between a squashed squirrel on the motorway and a squashed banjo?
The squirrel has skid marks before it