01 04 04 Monty Python Goth Sketches
Posted: 31 Mar 2004, 23:56
Hi All 
I dont know if this has been posted before - but what the hell
http://www.users.dircon.co.uk/~dancer/montygth.htm
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Monty Pythons recently discovered Goth sketches
Historians say that it was loosely based on the cheese sketch.
A montage of arty photographs. The cutting from photo to photo is pretty fast. Goth music is heard. Starting with: a close up of Andrew Eldritch, who is respectable and wears smart casual clothes; various photos of Eldritch walking along the pavement, again very artily shot from show-off angles; Eldritch pausing outside a shop; Eldritch looking up at the shop; Edwardian-style shop with large sign above it reading 'Ye Olde Gothic Emporium'; another sign below the first reading 'Steve Roses, Purveyor of Fine Gothicness to the Gentry and the Poverty Stricken Too'; another sign below this reading 'Licensed for Public Dancing'; close up of Eldritch looking pleased; shot of Eldritch entering the shop. Music cuts dead. Cut to interior of the Goth shop. Goth music playing as Eldritch enters. The Spice Girls dressed as city gents are Goth dancing in the corner to the music of a bass guitar and drum machine. The shop itself is large and redolent of the charm and languidity of a bygone age. There is actually nothing Gothic to be seen either on or behind the counter but this is not obvious. Eldritch approaches the counter and rings a small handbell. Steve appears.
Steve (Michael) Good Morning, sir.
Eldritch (John) Good morning. I was sitting in the public library in Thurmond Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Herries' by Horace Walpole when suddenly I came over all darkish.
Steve Darkish, sir?
Eldritch Morbidity.
Steve Eh?
Eldritch (broad Yorkshire) Eee I were all Gothic, like.
Steve Oh, Gothic.
Eldritch (normal accent) In a nutshell. So I thought to myself 'a little gothic apparel and ornamentation will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Wallpolling activities, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles. (smacks his lips)
Steve Come again.
Eldritch (broad Northern accent) I want to buy something Gothic.
Steve Oh, I thought you were complaining about the music.
Eldritch (normal voice) Heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the terpsichorean muse.
Steve Sorry?
Eldritch I like a nice dance - you're forced to.
Quick cut to Viking.
Viking (Michael) ( broad Nottingham accent) Anyway.
Cut back to the shop
Steve Who said that?
Eldritch (normal voice) Now my good man, something Gothic, please.
Steve Yes certainly, sir. What would you like?
Eldritch Well, how about a little ankh?
Steve I'm afraid we're fresh out of ankh's, sir.
Eldritch Oh never mind. How are you on virgins blood?
Steve Never at the end of the week, sir. Always get it fresh first thing on Monday.
Eldritch Tish, tish. No matter. Well, four ounces of speed then, if you please, stout yeoman.
Steve Ah, well, it's been on order for two weeks, sir, I was expecting it this morning.
Eldritch Yes, it's not my day is it. Er, black candles?
Steve Sorry.
Eldritch Whips?
Steve Normally sir, yes, but today the van broke down.
Eldritch Ah. Eyeliner?
Steve Sorry.
Eldritch Nail Varnish, Wigs?
Steve No.
Eldritch Any Vampyre fangs?
Steve No.
Eldritch Skulls?
Steve No.
Eldritch Rings?
Steve No.
Eldritch Bangles?
Steve No.
Eldritch Corsets?
Steve No.
Eldritch Thigh length boots?
Steve ...No.
Eldritch Rubber?
Steve No.
Eldritch PVC?
Steve No.
Eldritch Bondage gear, collars, leads, fans, sunglasses, fanzines, flyers,
tarot cards, coffins, poetry, dildo's, white face powder?
Steve Ah! we do have some white face powder, sir.
Eldritch You do. Excellent.
Steve It's a bit runny, sir.
Eldritch Oh, I like it runny.
Steve Well as a matter of fact it's very runny, sir.
Eldritch No matter. No matter. Hand over le powder de la Belle France qui s'appelle mascara, s'il vous plâit.
Steve I think it's runnier than you like it, sir.
Eldritch (smiling grimly) I don't care how excrementally runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Steve Yes, sir. (bends below the counter and reappears) Oh...
Eldritch What?
Steve The cat's eaten it.
Eldritch Has he?
Steve She, sir.
Eldritch piercings?
Steve No.
Eldritch Death comics?
Steve No.
Eldritch Crow merchandise?
Steve No.
Eldritch Elvira dolls?
Steve No.
Eldritch Masquerade Live Role Play?
Steve No, sir.
Eldritch You do have something Gothic, do you?
Steve Certainly, sir. It's a Goth shop, sir, We've got...
Eldritch No, no, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Steve Fair enough.
Eldritch Roses?
Steve Yes, sir?.
Eldritch Splendid. Well, I'll have some of that then, please.
Steve Oh, I'm sorry sir, I thought you were referring to me, Mr Roses.
Eldritch Henna tattoos?
Steve No.
Eldritch False eyelashes?
Steve No.
Eldritch Spray on cobwebs?
Steve No.
Eldritch Whitby Tickets?
Steve No.
Eldritch Any pagan literature?
Steve No.
Eldritch Alchemy goods?
Steve No.
Eldritch Leather?
Steve Not today sir, no.
Eldritch Well let's keep it simple, how about some Sisters?
Steve Well I'm afraid we don't get much call for it around these parts.
Eldritch No call for it? It's the single most popular Goth band in the world!
Steve Not round these parts, sir.
Eldritch And pray what is the most popular Goth band round these parts?
Steve Nosferatu, sir.
Eldritch I see.
Steve Yes, sir. It's quite staggeringly popular in the manor, squire.
Eldritch Is it?
Steve Yes sir, it's our number-one seller.
Eldritch Is it?
Steve Yes sir.
Eldritch Nosferatu eh?
Steve Right.
Eldritch OK, I'm game. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer
no?
Steve I'll have a look sir ... nnnnnnooooooooo.
Eldritch It's not much of a Goth shop really, is it?
Steve Finest in the district, sir.
Eldritch And what leads you to that conclusion?
Steve Well, it's so clean.
Eldritch Well, it's certainly uncontaminated by anything Gothic.
Steve You haven't asked me about black hair dye, sir.
Eldritch Is it worth it?
Steve Could be.
Eldritch OK, have you ... will you shut that bloody dancing up! (the music
stops)
Steve (to dancers) Told you so.
Eldritch Have you got any black hair dye?
Steve No.
Eldritch No, that figures. It was pretty predictable really. It was an act of
pure optimism to pose the question in the first place. Tell me something, do you have anything Gothic at all?
Steve Yes, sir.
Eldritch Now I'm going to ask you that question once more, and if you say 'no' I'm going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have anything Gothic at all?
Steve No.
Eldritch (shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.
Eldritch puts a cowboy hat on his head. Cut to stock shot of man on horse riding into the sunset. Music swells dramatically.
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Historians say that it was loosely based on the parrot sketch
Mr Praline walks into the shop carrying a dead net.goth in a cage which has a chain attached to it's neck collar.
He walks to the counter where the shopkeeper tries to hide below the cash register
Praline (John) Hello, I wish to register a complaint ... Hello? Miss?
Shopkeeper (Michael) What do you mean, miss?
Praline Oh, I'm sorry, I have a skirt. I wish to make a complaint.
Shopkeeper Sorry we're closing for lunch.
Praline Never mind that my lad, I wish to complain about this net.goth what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Shopkeeper Oh yes, the Dreadlock Blue. What's wrong with it?
Praline I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
Shopkeeper No, no it's tripping, look!
Praline Look my lad, I know a dead net.goth when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.
Shopkeeper No, no sir, it's not dead. It's tripping.
Praline Tripping?
Shopkeeper Yeah, remarkable goth the Dreadlock Blue, beautiful make-up, innit?
Praline The make-up don't enter into it - it's stone dead.
Shopkeeper No, no - it's just tripping.
Praline All right then, if it's tripping I'll bring it down. (shouts at net.goth)
Hello net.goth! I've got a nice E tab for you when you come down, net.goth!
Shopkeeper (pulling neck chain) There it moved.
Praline No he didn't. That was you pulling the chain.
Shopkeeper I did not.
Praline Yes, you did. (takes net.goth out of cage, shouts) Hello net.goth,
net.goth (bangs it against counter) net.goth, come down. Net.goth. (throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead net.goth.
Shopkeeper No, no it's stunned.
Praline Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That net.goth is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long dark poetry recitation.
Shopkeeper It's probably pining for the Slimelight.
Praline Pining for the Slimelight, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?
Shopkeeper The Dreadlock Blue prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful goth, lovely make-up.
Praline Look, I took the liberty of examining that net.goth, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there.
Shopkeeper Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would muscle up to those bars and voom.
Praline Look matey (picks up net.goth) this net.goth wouldn't voom if I put four thousand grams of speed in it. It's bleeding demised.
Shopkeeper It's not, it's pining.
Praline It's not pining, it's passed on. This net.goth is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late net.goth. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-net.goth.
Shopkeeper Well, I'd better replace it then.
Praline (to camera) If you want anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
Shopkeeper Sorry guv, we're right out of net.goths.
Praline I see. I see. I get the picture.
Shopkeeper I've got an Industrial.
Praline Does it talk?
Shopkeeper Not really, no.
Praline Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then is it?
Shopkeeper Look, I didn't want to be a Shopkeeper. I wanted to be a
lumberjack.
Praline Er, excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Colonel Right stop that, its silly!
They stop.
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Historians say that it was loosely based on the Mouse Problem sketch
ANIMATION:A protest march appears carrying banners. Close in on banners which read: End Discrimination: Goth Is Nice; Ho Ho Ho Casuals Must Go; Hands Off Goths: Repeal Anti-Goth Laws Now; Kidderminster Young Methodists Resent Oppression: A Fair Deal For Goth People.
CAPTION: 'THE WORLD AROUND US'
Photo of newspaper headlines: Pop Stars In Goth Scandal; Peer Faces Gothic Charges. A man in Goth clothes running into police station with bag over head.
CAPTION: 'THE GOTH PROBLEM'
Cut to a policeman leading a man in Goth costume into a police station.
Photo of Headline: Goth Clubs On Increase.
Cut to: Photos of neon signs of clubs: Dominiom Club, The Little Black Devils Room; Collars A Go Go
Cut To Studio: ordinary grey-suited linkman
Linkman (Michael) Yes. The Goth Problem. This week 'The World Around Us' looks at the growing social phenomenon of Goth and Men. What makes a man want to be a Goth.
Interviewer, Harold Voice, sitting facing a confessor. The confessor is badly lit and is turned away from camera.
Man (John) (very slowly and painfully) Well it's not a question of wanting to be a goth ... it just sort of happens to you. All of a sudden you realize ... that's what you want to be.
Interviewer (Terry J) And when did you notice these ... shall we say ...
tendencies?
Man Well .. I was about seventeen and some mates and me went to a party, and, er ... we had quite a lot to drink ... and them some of the fellows there .. started handing ... make-up around ... and well just out of curiosity I tried a bit ... and well that was that.
Interviewer And what else did these fellows do?
Man Well some of them started dressing up as The Crow a bit ... and then when they'd got the costumes on they started ... posing.
Interviewer Yes. And was that all?
Man That was all.
Interviewer And what was your reaction to this?
Man Well I was shocked. But, er ... gradually I came to feel that I was more at ease ... with other Goths.
Cut to linkman
Linkman A typical case, whom we shall refer to as Mr A, although his real name is this:
Voice Over (John) and CAPTION: ARTHUR JACKSON
32A MILTON AVENUE,
HOUNSLOW, MIDDLESEX.
Linkman What is it that attracts someone like Mr A to this way of life? I have with me a consultant psychiatrist.
The camera pulls back to reveal the psychiatrist who places in front of himself a notice saying 'The Amazing Kargol And Janet'.
Kargol (GRAHAM) Well, we've just heard a typical case history. I myself have over seven hundred similar histories, all fully documented. Would you care to choose one?
Janet (Carol), dressed in showgirl's outfit, enters and offers linkman the case histories fanned out like cards, with one more prominent than the others; he picks it out.
Kargol (without looking) Mr Arthur Aldridge of Leamington.
Linkman Well, that's amazing, amazing. Thank you, Janet. (chord; Janet postures and exits) Kargol, speaking as a psychiatrist as opposed to a conjuror ...
Kargol (disappointed) Oh ...
Linkman ... what makes certain men want to be Goth?
Kargol Well, we psychiatrists have found that over 8% of the population
will always be goths. I mean, after all, there's something of the goth in all of us. I mean, how many of us can honestly say that at one time or another he hasn't felt sexually attracted to goths.
(linkman looks puzzled)
I know I have. I mean, most normal adolescents go through a stage of pouting two or three times a day. Some youngsters on the other hand, are attracted to it by its very illegality. It's like murder - make a thing illegal and it aquires a mystque. (linkman looks increasingly embarrassed) Look at arson - I mean, how many of us can honestly say that at one time or another he hasn't set fire to some great public building. I know I have. (phone on desk rings; the linkman picks it up but does not answer it) The only way to bring the crime figures down is to reduce the number of offences - get it out in the open - I know I have.
Linkman (replacing phone) The Amazing Kargol And Janet. What a lot of people don't realize is that a goth, once accepted, can fulfil a very useful role in society. Indeed there are examples throughout history of famous men now known to have been goths.
Cut to Julius Caesar (Graham) on beach. He shouts 'Veni Vidi, Vici'. Then he adds a furtive dominion.
Napoleon (Terry J) pulls pint of snakebite and black out of jacket and drinks it.
Cut to linkman
Linkman And, of course, Andrew Eldritch. But whats is the attitude ...
Cut to man in a viking helmet.
Viking (ERIC) ... of the man in the street towards ...
Linkman ... this growing social problem?
Vox pops films.
Window Cleaner (ERIC) Clamp down on them.
Off-screen Voice How?
Window Cleaner I'd strangle them.
Stockbroker (JOHN) Well speaking as a member of the Stock Exchange I would suck their brains out with a straw, sell the widows and orphans and go into South American Zinc.
Man (Terry J) Yeh I'd, er, stuff sparrows down their throats, er, until the beaks stuck out through the, er, stomach walls.
Accountant (GRAHAM) Oh well I'm a chartered accountant, and consequently too boring to be of interest.
Vicar (JOHN) I feel that these poor unfortunate people should be free to live the lives of their own choice.
Porter (TERRY J) I'd split their nostrils open with a boat hook, I think.
Man (GRAHAM) Well I mean, they can't help it, can they? But, er, there's nothing you can do about it. So er, I'd kill 'em.
Cut to Linkman
Linkman Clearly the British public's view is a hostile one.
Voice Over and CAPTION: 'HOSTILE'
Linkman But perhaps this is because so little is generally known of these Goth men. We have some film now taken of one of the notorious weekend goth parties, where these disgusting little perverts meet.
Cut to exterior house (night). The blinds are drawn so that only shadows of enormous goths can be seen, holding Pints of snakebite and black and goth two stepping.
Linkman Mr A tells us what actually goes on at these goth parties.
Cut to Mr A.
Mr A (JOHN) Well first of all you get shown to your own private coffin ... then you put the goth clothes on ... then you walk dramatically into the main room, and perhaps lean against a wall looking pretentious.
Linkman The remainder of this film was taken secretly at one of these goth parties by a BBC cameraman posing as a vole. As usual we apologize for the poor quality of the film.
Very poor quality film, shadowy shapes, the odd goth glimpsed.
Mr A's Voice Well, er, then you steal some make-up, Stargazer or Barry M if you're on the harder stuff. You might go and see one of the blue goth films ... there's a big table in the middle of the room with vampire fangs on it, and about 12 o'clock you put them on and try to bite people.
Cut to large dominatrix with PVC and a whip.
Linkmans's Voice And what's that?
Mr A's Voice That's the farmer's wife.
Cut to Linkman at desk.
Linkman Perhaps we need to know more of these goth men before we can really judge them. Perhaps not. Anyway, our thirty minutes are up.
Sound of baa-ing. The linkman looks up in air, looks startled, pulls a gun from under the desk and fires in the air. The body of a sheep falls to the floor.
Linkman Goodnight.
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Share and Enjoy
I dont know if this has been posted before - but what the hell
http://www.users.dircon.co.uk/~dancer/montygth.htm
_____________________________________________
Monty Pythons recently discovered Goth sketches
Historians say that it was loosely based on the cheese sketch.
A montage of arty photographs. The cutting from photo to photo is pretty fast. Goth music is heard. Starting with: a close up of Andrew Eldritch, who is respectable and wears smart casual clothes; various photos of Eldritch walking along the pavement, again very artily shot from show-off angles; Eldritch pausing outside a shop; Eldritch looking up at the shop; Edwardian-style shop with large sign above it reading 'Ye Olde Gothic Emporium'; another sign below the first reading 'Steve Roses, Purveyor of Fine Gothicness to the Gentry and the Poverty Stricken Too'; another sign below this reading 'Licensed for Public Dancing'; close up of Eldritch looking pleased; shot of Eldritch entering the shop. Music cuts dead. Cut to interior of the Goth shop. Goth music playing as Eldritch enters. The Spice Girls dressed as city gents are Goth dancing in the corner to the music of a bass guitar and drum machine. The shop itself is large and redolent of the charm and languidity of a bygone age. There is actually nothing Gothic to be seen either on or behind the counter but this is not obvious. Eldritch approaches the counter and rings a small handbell. Steve appears.
Steve (Michael) Good Morning, sir.
Eldritch (John) Good morning. I was sitting in the public library in Thurmond Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Herries' by Horace Walpole when suddenly I came over all darkish.
Steve Darkish, sir?
Eldritch Morbidity.
Steve Eh?
Eldritch (broad Yorkshire) Eee I were all Gothic, like.
Steve Oh, Gothic.
Eldritch (normal accent) In a nutshell. So I thought to myself 'a little gothic apparel and ornamentation will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Wallpolling activities, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles. (smacks his lips)
Steve Come again.
Eldritch (broad Northern accent) I want to buy something Gothic.
Steve Oh, I thought you were complaining about the music.
Eldritch (normal voice) Heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the terpsichorean muse.
Steve Sorry?
Eldritch I like a nice dance - you're forced to.
Quick cut to Viking.
Viking (Michael) ( broad Nottingham accent) Anyway.
Cut back to the shop
Steve Who said that?
Eldritch (normal voice) Now my good man, something Gothic, please.
Steve Yes certainly, sir. What would you like?
Eldritch Well, how about a little ankh?
Steve I'm afraid we're fresh out of ankh's, sir.
Eldritch Oh never mind. How are you on virgins blood?
Steve Never at the end of the week, sir. Always get it fresh first thing on Monday.
Eldritch Tish, tish. No matter. Well, four ounces of speed then, if you please, stout yeoman.
Steve Ah, well, it's been on order for two weeks, sir, I was expecting it this morning.
Eldritch Yes, it's not my day is it. Er, black candles?
Steve Sorry.
Eldritch Whips?
Steve Normally sir, yes, but today the van broke down.
Eldritch Ah. Eyeliner?
Steve Sorry.
Eldritch Nail Varnish, Wigs?
Steve No.
Eldritch Any Vampyre fangs?
Steve No.
Eldritch Skulls?
Steve No.
Eldritch Rings?
Steve No.
Eldritch Bangles?
Steve No.
Eldritch Corsets?
Steve No.
Eldritch Thigh length boots?
Steve ...No.
Eldritch Rubber?
Steve No.
Eldritch PVC?
Steve No.
Eldritch Bondage gear, collars, leads, fans, sunglasses, fanzines, flyers,
tarot cards, coffins, poetry, dildo's, white face powder?
Steve Ah! we do have some white face powder, sir.
Eldritch You do. Excellent.
Steve It's a bit runny, sir.
Eldritch Oh, I like it runny.
Steve Well as a matter of fact it's very runny, sir.
Eldritch No matter. No matter. Hand over le powder de la Belle France qui s'appelle mascara, s'il vous plâit.
Steve I think it's runnier than you like it, sir.
Eldritch (smiling grimly) I don't care how excrementally runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Steve Yes, sir. (bends below the counter and reappears) Oh...
Eldritch What?
Steve The cat's eaten it.
Eldritch Has he?
Steve She, sir.
Eldritch piercings?
Steve No.
Eldritch Death comics?
Steve No.
Eldritch Crow merchandise?
Steve No.
Eldritch Elvira dolls?
Steve No.
Eldritch Masquerade Live Role Play?
Steve No, sir.
Eldritch You do have something Gothic, do you?
Steve Certainly, sir. It's a Goth shop, sir, We've got...
Eldritch No, no, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Steve Fair enough.
Eldritch Roses?
Steve Yes, sir?.
Eldritch Splendid. Well, I'll have some of that then, please.
Steve Oh, I'm sorry sir, I thought you were referring to me, Mr Roses.
Eldritch Henna tattoos?
Steve No.
Eldritch False eyelashes?
Steve No.
Eldritch Spray on cobwebs?
Steve No.
Eldritch Whitby Tickets?
Steve No.
Eldritch Any pagan literature?
Steve No.
Eldritch Alchemy goods?
Steve No.
Eldritch Leather?
Steve Not today sir, no.
Eldritch Well let's keep it simple, how about some Sisters?
Steve Well I'm afraid we don't get much call for it around these parts.
Eldritch No call for it? It's the single most popular Goth band in the world!
Steve Not round these parts, sir.
Eldritch And pray what is the most popular Goth band round these parts?
Steve Nosferatu, sir.
Eldritch I see.
Steve Yes, sir. It's quite staggeringly popular in the manor, squire.
Eldritch Is it?
Steve Yes sir, it's our number-one seller.
Eldritch Is it?
Steve Yes sir.
Eldritch Nosferatu eh?
Steve Right.
Eldritch OK, I'm game. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer
no?
Steve I'll have a look sir ... nnnnnnooooooooo.
Eldritch It's not much of a Goth shop really, is it?
Steve Finest in the district, sir.
Eldritch And what leads you to that conclusion?
Steve Well, it's so clean.
Eldritch Well, it's certainly uncontaminated by anything Gothic.
Steve You haven't asked me about black hair dye, sir.
Eldritch Is it worth it?
Steve Could be.
Eldritch OK, have you ... will you shut that bloody dancing up! (the music
stops)
Steve (to dancers) Told you so.
Eldritch Have you got any black hair dye?
Steve No.
Eldritch No, that figures. It was pretty predictable really. It was an act of
pure optimism to pose the question in the first place. Tell me something, do you have anything Gothic at all?
Steve Yes, sir.
Eldritch Now I'm going to ask you that question once more, and if you say 'no' I'm going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have anything Gothic at all?
Steve No.
Eldritch (shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.
Eldritch puts a cowboy hat on his head. Cut to stock shot of man on horse riding into the sunset. Music swells dramatically.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Historians say that it was loosely based on the parrot sketch
Mr Praline walks into the shop carrying a dead net.goth in a cage which has a chain attached to it's neck collar.
He walks to the counter where the shopkeeper tries to hide below the cash register
Praline (John) Hello, I wish to register a complaint ... Hello? Miss?
Shopkeeper (Michael) What do you mean, miss?
Praline Oh, I'm sorry, I have a skirt. I wish to make a complaint.
Shopkeeper Sorry we're closing for lunch.
Praline Never mind that my lad, I wish to complain about this net.goth what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Shopkeeper Oh yes, the Dreadlock Blue. What's wrong with it?
Praline I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
Shopkeeper No, no it's tripping, look!
Praline Look my lad, I know a dead net.goth when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.
Shopkeeper No, no sir, it's not dead. It's tripping.
Praline Tripping?
Shopkeeper Yeah, remarkable goth the Dreadlock Blue, beautiful make-up, innit?
Praline The make-up don't enter into it - it's stone dead.
Shopkeeper No, no - it's just tripping.
Praline All right then, if it's tripping I'll bring it down. (shouts at net.goth)
Hello net.goth! I've got a nice E tab for you when you come down, net.goth!
Shopkeeper (pulling neck chain) There it moved.
Praline No he didn't. That was you pulling the chain.
Shopkeeper I did not.
Praline Yes, you did. (takes net.goth out of cage, shouts) Hello net.goth,
net.goth (bangs it against counter) net.goth, come down. Net.goth. (throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead net.goth.
Shopkeeper No, no it's stunned.
Praline Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That net.goth is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long dark poetry recitation.
Shopkeeper It's probably pining for the Slimelight.
Praline Pining for the Slimelight, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?
Shopkeeper The Dreadlock Blue prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful goth, lovely make-up.
Praline Look, I took the liberty of examining that net.goth, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there.
Shopkeeper Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would muscle up to those bars and voom.
Praline Look matey (picks up net.goth) this net.goth wouldn't voom if I put four thousand grams of speed in it. It's bleeding demised.
Shopkeeper It's not, it's pining.
Praline It's not pining, it's passed on. This net.goth is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late net.goth. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-net.goth.
Shopkeeper Well, I'd better replace it then.
Praline (to camera) If you want anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
Shopkeeper Sorry guv, we're right out of net.goths.
Praline I see. I see. I get the picture.
Shopkeeper I've got an Industrial.
Praline Does it talk?
Shopkeeper Not really, no.
Praline Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then is it?
Shopkeeper Look, I didn't want to be a Shopkeeper. I wanted to be a
lumberjack.
Praline Er, excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Colonel Right stop that, its silly!
They stop.
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Historians say that it was loosely based on the Mouse Problem sketch
ANIMATION:A protest march appears carrying banners. Close in on banners which read: End Discrimination: Goth Is Nice; Ho Ho Ho Casuals Must Go; Hands Off Goths: Repeal Anti-Goth Laws Now; Kidderminster Young Methodists Resent Oppression: A Fair Deal For Goth People.
CAPTION: 'THE WORLD AROUND US'
Photo of newspaper headlines: Pop Stars In Goth Scandal; Peer Faces Gothic Charges. A man in Goth clothes running into police station with bag over head.
CAPTION: 'THE GOTH PROBLEM'
Cut to a policeman leading a man in Goth costume into a police station.
Photo of Headline: Goth Clubs On Increase.
Cut to: Photos of neon signs of clubs: Dominiom Club, The Little Black Devils Room; Collars A Go Go
Cut To Studio: ordinary grey-suited linkman
Linkman (Michael) Yes. The Goth Problem. This week 'The World Around Us' looks at the growing social phenomenon of Goth and Men. What makes a man want to be a Goth.
Interviewer, Harold Voice, sitting facing a confessor. The confessor is badly lit and is turned away from camera.
Man (John) (very slowly and painfully) Well it's not a question of wanting to be a goth ... it just sort of happens to you. All of a sudden you realize ... that's what you want to be.
Interviewer (Terry J) And when did you notice these ... shall we say ...
tendencies?
Man Well .. I was about seventeen and some mates and me went to a party, and, er ... we had quite a lot to drink ... and them some of the fellows there .. started handing ... make-up around ... and well just out of curiosity I tried a bit ... and well that was that.
Interviewer And what else did these fellows do?
Man Well some of them started dressing up as The Crow a bit ... and then when they'd got the costumes on they started ... posing.
Interviewer Yes. And was that all?
Man That was all.
Interviewer And what was your reaction to this?
Man Well I was shocked. But, er ... gradually I came to feel that I was more at ease ... with other Goths.
Cut to linkman
Linkman A typical case, whom we shall refer to as Mr A, although his real name is this:
Voice Over (John) and CAPTION: ARTHUR JACKSON
32A MILTON AVENUE,
HOUNSLOW, MIDDLESEX.
Linkman What is it that attracts someone like Mr A to this way of life? I have with me a consultant psychiatrist.
The camera pulls back to reveal the psychiatrist who places in front of himself a notice saying 'The Amazing Kargol And Janet'.
Kargol (GRAHAM) Well, we've just heard a typical case history. I myself have over seven hundred similar histories, all fully documented. Would you care to choose one?
Janet (Carol), dressed in showgirl's outfit, enters and offers linkman the case histories fanned out like cards, with one more prominent than the others; he picks it out.
Kargol (without looking) Mr Arthur Aldridge of Leamington.
Linkman Well, that's amazing, amazing. Thank you, Janet. (chord; Janet postures and exits) Kargol, speaking as a psychiatrist as opposed to a conjuror ...
Kargol (disappointed) Oh ...
Linkman ... what makes certain men want to be Goth?
Kargol Well, we psychiatrists have found that over 8% of the population
will always be goths. I mean, after all, there's something of the goth in all of us. I mean, how many of us can honestly say that at one time or another he hasn't felt sexually attracted to goths.
(linkman looks puzzled)
I know I have. I mean, most normal adolescents go through a stage of pouting two or three times a day. Some youngsters on the other hand, are attracted to it by its very illegality. It's like murder - make a thing illegal and it aquires a mystque. (linkman looks increasingly embarrassed) Look at arson - I mean, how many of us can honestly say that at one time or another he hasn't set fire to some great public building. I know I have. (phone on desk rings; the linkman picks it up but does not answer it) The only way to bring the crime figures down is to reduce the number of offences - get it out in the open - I know I have.
Linkman (replacing phone) The Amazing Kargol And Janet. What a lot of people don't realize is that a goth, once accepted, can fulfil a very useful role in society. Indeed there are examples throughout history of famous men now known to have been goths.
Cut to Julius Caesar (Graham) on beach. He shouts 'Veni Vidi, Vici'. Then he adds a furtive dominion.
Napoleon (Terry J) pulls pint of snakebite and black out of jacket and drinks it.
Cut to linkman
Linkman And, of course, Andrew Eldritch. But whats is the attitude ...
Cut to man in a viking helmet.
Viking (ERIC) ... of the man in the street towards ...
Linkman ... this growing social problem?
Vox pops films.
Window Cleaner (ERIC) Clamp down on them.
Off-screen Voice How?
Window Cleaner I'd strangle them.
Stockbroker (JOHN) Well speaking as a member of the Stock Exchange I would suck their brains out with a straw, sell the widows and orphans and go into South American Zinc.
Man (Terry J) Yeh I'd, er, stuff sparrows down their throats, er, until the beaks stuck out through the, er, stomach walls.
Accountant (GRAHAM) Oh well I'm a chartered accountant, and consequently too boring to be of interest.
Vicar (JOHN) I feel that these poor unfortunate people should be free to live the lives of their own choice.
Porter (TERRY J) I'd split their nostrils open with a boat hook, I think.
Man (GRAHAM) Well I mean, they can't help it, can they? But, er, there's nothing you can do about it. So er, I'd kill 'em.
Cut to Linkman
Linkman Clearly the British public's view is a hostile one.
Voice Over and CAPTION: 'HOSTILE'
Linkman But perhaps this is because so little is generally known of these Goth men. We have some film now taken of one of the notorious weekend goth parties, where these disgusting little perverts meet.
Cut to exterior house (night). The blinds are drawn so that only shadows of enormous goths can be seen, holding Pints of snakebite and black and goth two stepping.
Linkman Mr A tells us what actually goes on at these goth parties.
Cut to Mr A.
Mr A (JOHN) Well first of all you get shown to your own private coffin ... then you put the goth clothes on ... then you walk dramatically into the main room, and perhaps lean against a wall looking pretentious.
Linkman The remainder of this film was taken secretly at one of these goth parties by a BBC cameraman posing as a vole. As usual we apologize for the poor quality of the film.
Very poor quality film, shadowy shapes, the odd goth glimpsed.
Mr A's Voice Well, er, then you steal some make-up, Stargazer or Barry M if you're on the harder stuff. You might go and see one of the blue goth films ... there's a big table in the middle of the room with vampire fangs on it, and about 12 o'clock you put them on and try to bite people.
Cut to large dominatrix with PVC and a whip.
Linkmans's Voice And what's that?
Mr A's Voice That's the farmer's wife.
Cut to Linkman at desk.
Linkman Perhaps we need to know more of these goth men before we can really judge them. Perhaps not. Anyway, our thirty minutes are up.
Sound of baa-ing. The linkman looks up in air, looks startled, pulls a gun from under the desk and fires in the air. The body of a sheep falls to the floor.
Linkman Goodnight.
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Even Mrs JB, known for her dismissive attitude to all things Sisters and all things Python had a chuckle. 
