Heartland

God's view of Britain

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example,
North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South
America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot
spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over
there is a continent of black people,"

God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in
ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land
mass and said "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Britain, the most glorious place on Earth.
There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and hills. The people from
Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and
they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable,
hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world
as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Archangel Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
"What about the balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the w*nkers I'm putting next to them in France."

<In a McDonalds advert tone> I'm lovin' it!!

The last time I saw this joke it went more like this -

"Ah" said God. "That's Scotland, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful snow capped mountains, untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite, timeless beauty.
The people make a drink called Uisge Beatha or Whiskey which means "The Water of Life".
The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as warriors, engineers, inventors and pioneers.

Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then said
"You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely.
"Wait until you see the bastards I'm putting next to them!".

I didnae write it!

I didn't think we were allowed to do Irish jokes any more.

I've seen versions of this joke for Scotland vs England, Britain vs France, New Zealand vs Australia, Australia vs New Zealand (this one takes the prize for the most vitriolic punchline - "Wait until you see the ugly, whinging, sheep-shagging Kiwi bastards I'm putting next to them"!)...

...even Yorkshire vs Lancashire!

Any suggestions for a Sisters v Mutton punchline?

<sings>
Anything goes in
Anything goes out
Fish, bananas
Old pyjamas

Mutton, beef & trout