Warning: not all of these are serious.
If Apple made microwave ovens, an engineer would take the time to program the timer to take into calculation the circumference of the turntable so that when time was up the oven would have rotated your coffee cup back to the front.
If Apple made pants, they'd remind you when you forgot to zip up.
If Apple made bagels, they'd come with cream cheese inside.
If Apple made cars, they wouldn't crash. (And if they did, Apple would call it a kernel panic, not a crash.)
If Apple made pizza, you could get any combination of cheese, mushrooms, green peppers, black olives, and onions you wanted, but that's it. No custom toppings.
If Apple made UNIX, it wouldn't have a command line. Oh wait, that was the old Apple. The new Apple would bury the command line so you wouldn't have to see it.
If Apple made shirts, the buttons would be for decoration only -- the fastener behind the scenes would be Velcro or magnetic.
If Apple made stoplights, they'd be networked so you wouldn't encounter two reds in a row.
If Apple made houses, an alarm would sound if you didn't decorate it properly.
If Apple made clocks, they'd always have the correct time.
If Apple made TiVos, it'd be smart enough to know when shows go into overtime and it wouldn't cancel a recording simply because it starts at 9:59 instead of 10 p.m.
If Apple made DVD players, they'd refuse to play discs with bad or ugly interface designs.
If Apple made salad, there'd always be exactly the right amount of dressing on each bite. (Of course, you'd have no choice in dressing: you'd have to take what came with it.)
If Apple designed the freeway system, you could press F9 to get a big picture look at all the vehicles so you could see where the backup was.
If Apple made apples, there'd only be one kind. (Guess which.
If Apple made shoes, there'd be a secret location in the ROM with a picture of the ten-year-old Malaysian kids who made the shoes.
If Apple made elevators, it'd be clear which button -- One, Ground, or Lobby -- was street level.
If Apple made hotels, you could reserve your room's amenities -- minibar/no minibar, shower/tub, chocolate on pillow/no chocolate on pillow -- via the web.
If Apple made chocolate, it'd have all the taste but no calories.
If Apple made weapons of mass destruction, the bombs would be virtual.
If Apple made eggs, the outside of the carton would indicate if any were broken without you having to open the box to check each egg.
If Apple made seat belts, the shoulder strap wouldn't cut you across the neck.
If Apple made dogs, they wouldn't need obedience training.
If Apple made fur coats, Pixar would generate the fur.
If Apple made books, the evil rich guy from the north would always lose at the end of the story.
If Apple made walkie talkies, you wouldn't have to hold down the button to talk.
If Apple made ambulances, the name on the front would be readable with or without a mirror.
If Apple made broccoli, it'd come with cheddar cheese built-in.
If Apple made mirrors, we'd all look good.
If Apple made a department store, everything would so well organized you couldn't find anything.
If Apple made spray paint, the spray button wouldn't work if the operator is under eighteen years of age.
If Apple made tea, it'd come pre-sweetened exactly the way you liked it.
If Apple made dictionaries, you could find words even if you spelled them wrong.
If Apple made refrigerators, they'd include statistics on the average time you spend with the door open looking aimlessly for something to eat.
If Apple made ketchup, it'd come in a squeeze bottle.
If Apple made mustard, it'd be Grey Poupon.
If Apple made Scrabble, the letters tray would be able to remember multiple letter arrangements so you could switch between them instantly.
If Apple made cats, they'd be aloof, independent, and curious to a fault.
If Apple made Corvettes, they'd cost more, run half as fast, but be really, really cool.
If Apple made cubicles, they'd be transparent.
If Apple ran the energy department, using Pentiums would be illegal because they waste too much electricity.
If Apple made Segways, they'd not only self-balance, but would drive themselves.
If Apple sold groceries, they'd let you download them but you could only share with two other people.
If Apple made eye glasses, they'd include a chron job to self-clean periodically.
If Apple made kites, they'd include sensors to avoid kite-eating trees.
If Apple made broken iBooks, they'd fix them for free.
If Apple made money, they'd still be considered risky by Wall Street.
If Apple ran airport security, you'd have to know your root password to get onto a flight.
If Apple made automatic doors, they'd open when you approached.
