Heartland

A brain walks into a pub, goes up to the bar, "barman can I have a pint please?"

The barman says "fuck off! You're out of your head!"

The next day the brain goes into the same pub, this time carrying a set of jumpleads.

The barman shouts "Oi! I told you before! Fuck off! You're out of your head! And now you come in here trying to start something!"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer
> from a severe stutter.
> "What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.
> "Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi.................." says the
> Englishman.
>
> Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui
> guigui................."
>
> Then the Scotsman tries."Th th th thth th th th th th th th th
> th.................."
>
> "Oh bugger this!" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to
> serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are
> ready to order yet.
> "Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.
>
> "Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.
>
> And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th
> ththth...........".
>
> "Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of you can
> answer a question without stuttering I'll take you to bed!"
> Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman.
> "Where do you live?"
> "M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch."
> "No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady.
> Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?",
> trying not to laugh.
> "E E E E EEd Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb."
> "Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman.
> "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.
> "London" blurts out the Irishman.
> "Oh. Bugger!" says the landlady. A great cheer goes up in the pub and the
> landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs.
> Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra
> exposing a voluptous bosom. Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into
> bed.
> Paddy with concentration climbs aboard and goes for glory, and then,right at
> the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out
> > > >
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > "...............- D D D D D Derry

@SBD - My birthplace so I can relate to that one. Nice.

There was a man who entered a local newspaper's pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Or...

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri."

"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri doc."

But then again...

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

But then again...

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
But then again...

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

And possibly me fav...

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Not to mention:

A guy walks into a classy bar and orders a Martini.
In a corner of the bar, a man is playing the piano.
On the piano is a monkey, dressed up to fit with the pianoplayer's outfit.
After the pianoplayer finishes his song, the monkey runs over to the man sitting at the bar, takes off his small pants, dips his monkey-balls in the man's Martini, put his pants back on and goes back to the piano.
The man at the bar is shocked, to say the least, but refuses to make a scene and simply orders another Martini.
The pianoplayer finishes his next song, and again the monkey runs over to the man sitting at the bar, takes off his small pants, dips his monkey-balls in the man's Martini, put his pants back on and goes back to the piano.
The man at the bar is outrageous, but orders another Martini without making a scene.
After a couple of songs (and an equal amount of monkeyballs-dipping-in-Martini), the man at the bar cannot stand it any more.
He goes over to the pianoplayer and says: 'Hey mistah! You know everytime you finish your song your monkey runs over to me, takes off his small pants, dips his monkey-balls in my Martini, puts his pants back on and comes back to the piano???'

At which the pianoplayer replies:

'No sir, but if you can hum it, I can play it!'

IZ.

A young African prince leaves his verdant savannah homeland to study architecture in America.

While he's away he learns about astounding new ways of building and looks forward to returning home and helping his people to try them out.

When his father dies he must return and take over as king, and immediately after his coronation he begins work on an opulent new palace. Remembering his studies he creates a sumptuous symphony of a building, furnished in gold and gems and precious metals in a way never before seen in his country. Not wishing to offend his compatriots he perseveres with the local tradition of building in grass. Everyone is delighted with this dynamic fusion of ancient and modern. Magazines in New York rush to send photographers. An hour-long documentary is filmed, and screened on a channel which nobody actually watches.

Time passes and the king takes a wife. Now he must redesign his palace. The lavish throne room takes on a dual purpose. By day it remains the focal point of the nation, where the people are received and where state decisions are taken. But by night an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys raises the imposing throne into the roof space and lowers down the marital bed.

No such wonder has been seen in Africa before, and to be present at the twice-daily changeover ritual is the greatest honour in the kingdom.

Sadly, tragedy strikes one night. The couple are safely sleeping in their beds when one of the ropes inexplicably frays and snaps.

CRASH!!!!

Down comes that heavy throne, right on top of our royal couple. They are both killed instantly, crushed to death, and the country goes into mourning.

But a philosopher also lives in this land, and after much thought he could explain to the distraught populace exactly what went wrong.

"People in grass houses," he announced, "shouldn't stow thrones."

I THANGYEW!!!!!!

I've edited the name of this thread.

markfiend wrote:I've edited the name of this thread.

The power's gone to your head.

Next you'll be invading Poland ...

I can't moderate in here, just the weeding section. Anyone can edit and change the name of a thread they started.

I always preferred the Sudetenland anyway

Then there was the comedian who had to work on a new routine.

For seven days and seven nights he shut himself away, thinking of new gags and rehearsing new material in front of the mirror.

He barely ate, living off whisky and cigarettes. He was never seen, though neighbours reported hearing strange giggling at odd hours in the night.

But at the end of it, he wasn't happy. Somethign was missing, some spark of originality or humour. And after those seven days and seven nights he was forced to confront the awful truth:



... drumroll ....






... these were week jokes.







... cymbal crash!

You've been a wonderful audience. Good night!

well that's 10 minutes well spent reading some really bad jokes

Once upon a purple time,

There was a purple Kingdom, in which lived a beautiful purple Princess, the only purple child of the purple King. The purple King was very proud of his purple Princess, and would only allow the bravest of his purple Knights to request the purple Princess' purple hand in purple marriage.

Now, one purple morning, the purple King decided to hold a purple tournament to find the three bravest of the purple Knights, who would then have to go on a purple quest, the purple winner of which would have the purple honour of taking the purple Princess to be his purple wife.

After much purple jousting, purple tourneying, and a fair bit of purple carousing in the purple audience, the three bravest of the purple knights were selected, purple Sir Boris, the best purple jouster in the land, purple Sir Claud, the purple champion of the purple sword-fights, and purple Sir Edward, the finest purple archer who ever lived. The three purple heroes were to go on the purple quest with their three purple loyal esquires, purple Frank, who carried purple Sir Boris' purple lances, purple James, who polished and sharpened purple Sir Claud's purple sword, and little purple Tim, who purple Sir Edward would sometimes use as purple target practice.

The three purple Knights and the three purple esquires went together before the purple King. "The purple Knight who brings me the purple head of the great purple dragon Afnazole, shall marry the purple Princess and become my purple heir to reign the purple Kingdom when I am gone."

"Now I know," continued the purple King, "that this purple quest could take many purple years and that you will have to face many purple dangers before you find the purple dragon Afnazole, whose purple lair lies many hundreds of purple miles from here. I know indeed that perhaps none of you brave purple knights and loyal purple esquires may come back at all, but I can think of no better purple way to decide who can marry my beautiful purple daughter. Go, and may all purple fortune go with you," and with that, the six purple questers set out into the fine purple sunset.

Many purple days later, our six purple heroes reached a purple area of purple devastation. "Is this the purple land of the purple dragon Afnazole?" asked little purple Tim, the purple esquire of purple Sir Edward. "Don't be purple stupid," cried purple Sir Edward, "the purple dragon Afnazole lives many purple days' ride from here. This is the purple domain of the purple ogre Blittering."

With that, there was a great purple cry and the purple ogre Blittering himself came over the purple horizon, charging at the three purple Knights and their three purple esquires. purple Sir Boris gave a great purple shout and grabbed one of his purple lances from purple Frank, and spurred his purple warhorse onward toward the purple ogre.

After a great purple battle, the purple ogre lay dead, but so did purple Sir Boris and poor purple Frank his esquire. The remaining purple four buried their purple dead and carried on with their purple quest.

After a couple more purple months, the four purple friends reached a great purple tower. "Is this the purple land of the purple dragon Afnazole?" asked little purple Tim, the purple esquire of purple Sir Edward. "Don't be purple stupid," cried purple Sir Edward, "the purple dragon Afnazole lives many purple days' ride from here. This is the purple domain of the purple wizard To-Me-Ku-Pah."

The purple wizard To-Me-Ku-Pah was reknowned throughout the purple world as a purple wizard of great purple evil and cunning; purple Sir Claud, purple Sir Edward, purple James and little purple Tim would have to have all their purple wits about them.

They hid their purple horses in some purple bushes and sneaked toward the purple door of the purple tower. The purple door burst open to reveal the purple wizard To-Me-Ku-Pah. Purple Sir Claud grabbed his great purple sword and charged at the purple wizard.

After a great purple battle, the purple wizard lay dead, but so did purple Sir Claud and poor purple James his esquire. The remaining purple two buried their purple dead and carried on with their purple quest.

After another purple year, purple Sir Edward and little purple Tim reached a purple area that was filled with purple steam and purple smoke. "Is this the purple land of the purple dragon Afnazole?" asked little purple Tim, the purple esquire of purple Sir Edward. "Indeed it is my loyal purple esquire," whispered Sir Edward. "We must be very careful."

With that, the purple dragon Afnazole appeared out of the smoke and gobbled up purple Sir Edward in a single purple bite. Little purple Tim was not afraid, and took his purple master's great purple bow, drew it, and shot a single purple arrow straight through the purple throat of the purple dragon. "Hoorah!" he thought, "I have slain the purple dragon! The purple hand of the purple Princess shall be mine!"

After a great many more purple adventures, little purple Tim arrived back at the purple castle of the purple King with the purple head of the purple dragon Afnazole, and went before the purple King. "Your purple majesty," said little purple Tim, "I have slain the purple dragon! The purple hand of the purple Princess shall be mine!"

"How dare you!" yelled the purple King, "You must have killed purple Sir Edward and stolen the purple dragon's purple head from him! Purple guards! Purple guards, arrest this purple rapscalion and throw him in the purple dungeon!"

The purple guards grabbed little purple Tim and dragged him down the purple stairs to the very deepest purple dungeon in the whole purple castle, opened the purple door to the purple dungeon, and shouted...


wait for it


... "Indigo!"

No, that's just awful!

Help!

Tum ti tum...


Once in days of old when knights were bold and rode around the country saving damsels in distress there was a little man. Now I mean little not just small but really really little. He may have been the smallest fully grown man alive. Anyway you see what I mean he was tiny.

Despite being both vertically and horizontally disadvantaged (if you say it that way he won't feel bad about being diminutively sure--)

This little guy was out in the country one day and heard a cry for help. Quickly he ran to see what he could do. Again he heard the cry it sounded like a young woman yelling for help, and she must be just on the other side of the bushes just in front of him. Without a thought for his own safety the little fellow thrust the bushes aside and ran toward the sound of her cry.

He felt himself falling and the next thing he knew he was all wet. Literally in over his head so to speak. This was one time when size didn't matter really. He pushed his way to surface and looked around. It was quite easy to see what had happened. The bushes were on the edge of an embankment that surrounded a large lake. Fortunately for him (and the the screaming woman) he was an excellent swimmer.

An a ear drum shattering scream actually boarding on a high pitched bellow brought him back to the situation at hand. Not ten feet away was a very wet young lady one arm extended hand grabbing the air as she the sound she was making turned into a gurgles. This was do to the large amount of water that rushed into her mouth as her head sank below the surface of the lake.

Now I've already told you that our small friend was an excellent swimmer os it was nothing for him to swimmer to the spot where she had disappeared and grab her hand which was still above the water and swim the few feet to shore.

Once out on the edge of the lake the job became a little more difficult as the more of this full sized young woman he managed to get out of the water the harder it became to move someone so much bigger than himself. Being the kind of guy he was though he gave it his all and managed to get out of the water far enough to allow him to turn her head to the side, and by applying his feet to The middle of her back he got her to start breathing again.

Soon she was able to bring herself clear out of the water. Pulling her hair back out of her face she was amazed to see her benefactor was this little fellow standing before her.

His lack of stature did nothing to diminish her gratitude. She insisted that he must come home with her and receive his just reward from her father. Her father was no less a personage of course than the local king.

On the way back to the castle a large troupe of horsemen found them walking along the road. They were quite naturally the king's men sent out to search for his daughter. The king (clever fellow) had known something was wrong when her horse had returned without her.

That evening the king held a banquet to honor our intrepid hero. At the banquet in front of the entire court the little fellow was declared an official hero of the realm by royal proclamation. As befits a hero of the realm the king granted him anything his heart desired. All he had to do was say it and the king promised he would devote all the resources of the realm to granting him his wish.

One all consuming ambition had always been his most ardent desire. This one thing was all in the world he wanted. So quite naturally upon hearing the king's speech he eagerly said "I want to be a knight. The silence was as instant as was total. What would the king do?

Everyone in the room knew the impossibility of such a request. The physical aspects of the profession of knighthood alone precluded our hero from the job. The king was between his speech and a hard place. The entire court and through them the entire land had or soon would, hear how the king had said: "This courageous man contained with in him courage so great as to be legendary". The king had said all that and more. After all kings are politicians too.

As any good public servant will tell you there is a time to fulfill a promise and another time. Clearly this was another time, or was it? We have already established that this king was a clever fellow. What he did next proves it. Remembering his "Master At Arms" William Fite. He called for him and said I want you to train this man for knighthood keep me advised of his progress. The master at arms replied yes my lord. As he led our hero away to the training hall the king said to the princess see I told we could work it out. Then he uttered that now famous phrase: "where there's Will there's a way.

Will was to have a few problems of his own however. Just to begin with where was he to find armor and weapons for a diminutive knight in training? Well he thought, perhaps this little fellow won't be able to learn the required skills. As the days passed however he discovered that our small hero gave one hundred and ten percent in his efforts to learn the skills of knighthood.

The little fellow had aced the chivalry exams and likewise the protocol test. and it was time for weapons training. Will went to the king an said: "Sire: (They talked that way, the king wasn't really his dad.) We have no weapons of a size suitable for this man." So the King ordered the royal blacksmith to make weapons and amour for the small knight with a big heart. Our hero threw himself into the arms training with if possible even more effort and enthusiasm. So much did he practice that in record time he had completed his training.

The king (who had followed the little knights progress) knew that even though this little man was small he had even won sword duels by virtue of his speed and daring. There still remained one problem. He could not joust or even go about the countryside without a trusty steed. A great search though out the kingdom found that there was not one single horse small enough for the job.

Kings have a way about them though. So the king assumed all of his kinglyness and said to the royal groom: " find him a mount, or I shall find a new royal groom, for I insist that all my servants have heads. If you get my meaning." The royal groom did indeed understand exactly what the king meant. Quite naturally he put a great deal of thought and effort into solving the problem. The solution the groom provided was unique. No horse or animal even close to a horse could be found in all the realm for the smallest knight.

So the groom trained an animal large enough to carry the the little champion dressed in his battle armor. As fate would have it the animal turned out to be a large dog. Now this large dog was also extremely ugly. But he could carry the little knight, and was very intelligent and quickly learned all the tactics of the war horse. In addition he liked the little knight and a bond formed between them. So not only did our miniature hero have a mount but a loyal companion as well.

Naturally everyone was pleased especially Will Fite the Master at Arms, and his friend the groom. . They now felt Their heads were quite a bit more secure. There was a great celebration, at the very height of which our hero slipped away to begin his quest. His quest was of course to become the greatest knight in the realm. Saving fair maidens, keeping the peace and all that.

It went well for our little friend as he went about the country side doing knightly good deeds. In fact his reputation grew and grew. Some say it was even bigger than he was. (That wouldn't have to be very big.) Spring was over, summer passed, and autumn was mostly gone. The other knights had headed back to the kings castle for the winter. Even the dragons were hibernating. (They don't like the cold you know.) Our fellow was still at it though, doing the things that no one else wanted to do. They needed done you see. He was just that kind of a guy. At long last after seeing to it that a peasant's daughter got the pigs promised her for her dowry even our hero knew it was time to call it a season.

In order to get to the kings palace he had to cross a high mountain pass. It was late autumn and if you have lived even near the mountains you know what that means. It means the possibility of snow is more than a possibility.
Out little knight true to form was right in the thick of it. The snow I mean. All across the high mountains the travelers and peasants were seeking shelter. In every Inn and house someone would as he or she fought to close the door against the wind and snow be heard mumbling, grumbling or rumbling: "Never saw it snow like this so early" or "Worst blizzard since 98" or something like that. In the midst of it all rode our little knight. He and his trusty steed were a site the like of which had never been seen before. Nor has any site even remotely resembling them ever been seen since. I can tell you that without fear of being wrong.

Our hero pressed on because he had to. To stop would be to die. No one would even know where to look they would freeze solid. It was beginning to look s though that would be the fate of this small doer of good deeds and his trusty steed. when through the swirling snow he saw a faint glimmer of light. Turning in that direction he urged his trusty steed on. With what was their last reserve they reached the source of that light. Our hero stumbled through the door of the Inn. The inn keeper told him there was no more room. "Please!" said the littlest knight. "We shall perish in this storm." "Look" said the inn keeper, no room means no room I couldn't fit another person in here." "I will stay in the stable" said the knight. "You think all these people walked bub, the stables full too." said the inn keeper. Sadly the little knight went out and climbed on his steed. He was so sad that he forgot to shut the door. The Inn Keeper went to shut the door just as our hero swung into the saddle. He looked and looked again. He then called out:

WAIT!...Wait! I will find you some place to stay.

"I just can't turn a Knight Out on a Dog like that."

Now this one I like - so why I've put it in a bad joke thread I dunno...






In Ted's previous incarnation he had been too meek, and this time around, his spirit was making up for it by turning him into a wild man.

As a boy he got into all sorts of scrapes, and as an adult, this wild streak found expression in his sex life. If he didn't literally swing from the chandeliers, he certainly did try a variety of unorthodox positions...occasionally with disastrous results.

One such occasion resulted in a fall from the bed that necessitated a trip to the emergency room, where he required three stitches.

When his best friend chided him the next day for engaging in such risky sexual adventures, he said, "Don't blame it on me--blame it on the man I was," referring to his past life.

Just then along came another of his buddies, who stopped aghast at the sight of Ted's stitches. "What's that?" he asked.

"That?" said Ted. "Oh, that's my karma suture."

Josef Stalin took peoples' rights away. No question. He tolerated no adherence to any laws other than his. Communism was kind compared to the kind of rule Stalin imposed on the poor Russians. Obviously, when his henchmen carried out his laws through the lands they were brutal and barbaric in their quest to end religion of any kind.

None were spared. Muslims, Jews, Christians; all suffered. Churches were desecrated, icons and altars destroyed. Behind the marauding Stalinites came a paltry few, somewhat kinder, elderly followers of the tyrant, who were allowing a few families to keep some of their relics, but none, not a one would allow a singe Christian to even clean up a crucifix, because, as we all know:

Stalin's crones lather no cross.