Heartland

Bah Humbug – Part 1

Signing the company Christmas cards for clients …

500 appeared on my desk when I was at lunch. No sweat I thought. 30mins signing ‘John’. Easy peasee …

Cards 1-100 were a doddle. I even sneaked a few smiley faces into the ‘o’. Around card 150 I noticed that the ‘n’ was starting to flatline so I concentrated and normal signature service was resumed. The flatlining ‘n’ reappeared around card 220 but was now shooting off at strange angles. Attempts to correct it resulted in the ‘h’ being stretched into a squiggle and the whole flow seemed to be breaking down. The ‘J’ had lost its continuity and was now a disconnected slash and a curve. Around card 350 the electrolyte loss was beginning to kick-in and affect my wrist and fingers resulting in a hand-twitch. Passing card 400 saw my vision start to impair and I was starting to feel a bizarre affinity with Paula Radcliffe. Card 450 saw me morph into ‘Joey’. By card 470 my feminine side came to the fore and I was now ‘Julie’. The inability to hold the pen steady was becoming more pronounced. As a result, cards 480-488 look to have been signed by a four-year-old child. Cards 489-494 look to be in Arabic. Cards 495-499 look to have been signed by a monkey. In a blindfold. Card 500 simply bears an ink splodge ...

By hey, it's only once a year ...

I only had to go through 120 of them, but my name is a full two letters longer than yours, so I reckon that counts for something.

They're in the post now, which is a bit of a relief.

Couldn't you make a signature stamp out of a potato?

Ian - Rhythm Smurph wrote:Couldn't you make a signature stamp out of a potato?

Oh yes!

If I'd thought of it in the first place ...

* Logs onto ebay searching for the 1973 Blue Peter annual featuring how to make a signature stamp from a potato with Valerie Singleton *

Ian - Rhythm Smurph wrote:Couldn't you make a signature stamp out of a potato?

That's smart. I'll try that this year

Over the years, my credit card signature has morphed from "Mark Wolstenholme" to "M Wolst_-_-_--_-__-" (well, that's as close as I can get it without scanning, and I don't trust you shower with my signature .)

My signature is very neat and legible. The rest of my handwriting comes courtesy of the epileptic serial killer living in the left side of my brain.

that's one of the funniest things I've read today JB

sorry to be laughing at your misfortune but....

(think I've been overdosing on the caffeine again)

markfiend wrote:"M Wolst_-_-_--_-__-"

The wobbly wibbles always start at the end of your signature. I think it's an age progression thing. Almost as if, as time goes by, you slowly forget how to sign your own surname ...

J M~~~~~

Just sign 'em all "me" and let people work it out.

Lucky to have such a short name

JB wrote:The wobbly wibbles always start at the end of your signature. I think it's an age progression thing. Almost as if, as time goes by, you slowly forget how to sign your own surname ...

J M~~~~~

True enough. My dad's "K W~~~~~~~~" on his sig

emilystrange wrote:Lucky to have such a short name

Unless it's your mother addressing you ..?

yes, but that obviously isn't often these days.... I'm never at home long enough to get into trouble.

Post Of The Year JB laughed my ass off!
good to see you back you old phart!

Some of us have women to deal with that s**t...

I used to make a point of falling out with eveyone I knew around Christmas, to avoid such festive hassle.

Hey, I think I've just hit upon Von's life strategy!

boudicca wrote:I used to make a point of falling out with eveyone I knew around Christmas, to avoid such festive hassle.

Hey, I think I've just hit upon Von's life strategy!

harsh.





but fair.

Christmas cards? Bah! Humbug!

I might sign them in cyrillic this year. Because I can.

Bollocks to Christmas cards. I don't spend more than 20p on a sheet of wrapping paper either.
I have better things to spend my money on.