4/12/05 Simple, helpful advice...
Posted: 04 Dec 2005, 19:25
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed
2. A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going back to sleep
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away
4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle
5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*cking thing in the first place, you fat bastards
6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall
7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath
8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in
9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on
10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'
11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at
12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner
13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic
14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard
15. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again
16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency
17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place
18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator
19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower
20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink
21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos
22. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc. 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference
23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak
24. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for
25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone
26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order
27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins
28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets
29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings
30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy. Watch their faces in the morning
31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it
2. A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going back to sleep
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away
4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle
5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*cking thing in the first place, you fat bastards
6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall
7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath
8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in
9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on
10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'
11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at
12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner
13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic
14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard
15. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again
16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency
17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place
18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator
19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower
20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink
21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos
22. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc. 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference
23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak
24. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for
25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone
26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order
27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins
28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets
29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings
30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy. Watch their faces in the morning
31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it
