The Steven Seagal School of Acting

[steamhammerdave]

What to expect when making a movie:

1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. (Take note Mr Reid).

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. The Mother will not be upset by this.

12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

14. Medieval peasants have perfect teeth.

15. All single women have a cat.

16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps

[timsinister]

I forgot all my own birthdays, does that make me utterly evil?

[Obviousman]

And cars always roll over passenger side first...

Great stuff

[James Blast]

in 70s British TV programmes, if any actor got into a car when there was another actor outside that they were talking to, the car window was always open

[canon docre]

There is some truth in No 15 though.

[James Blast]

I have just watched (intermittently) Dawn of the Living Dead III (it was on the Horror Channel), I don't ken whaur tae start... :
dialogue - heinous
acting - atrocious
plot - interesting
sets - best thing
action - terrible
tension - zero
gore - 87%

so to sum up:
give a shit factor - 0%

it really was so awful, and Badlander, I now know where you got your original avatar from

[9while9]

I have just watched (intermittently) Dawn of the Living Dead III (it was on the Horror Channel), I don't ken whaur tae start... :
dialogue - heinous
acting - atrocious
plot - interesting
sets - best thing
action - terrible
tension - zero
gore - 87%

so to sum up:
give a shit factor - 0%

it really was so awful, and Badlander, I now know where you got your original avatar from

I believe your McReview is of


Return of the Living Dead III

At least that is where Baddys avatar pic was from...
Correct me if I'm wrong Mr. Blander?


Any who you are pretty on with your review...it blew...

But "Return of the Living Dead I" I rather liked..
Give it a go Jimmy.

[James Blast]

yes, that's the chap

[weebleswobble]

I have just watched (intermittently) Dawn of the Living Dead III (it was on the Horror Channel)

There is nothing good ever on the horror channel



Mr Seagal made films that were so bad they were good generally 3 word titles-Marked For Death-Out To Lunch etc but then he thought he was God albiet one with an affinity to pies and then they were just plain s**t.....

[Dark]

I like the Horror Channel sometimes.

But I like MST3K on ShoutCast better.

[Badlander]

I have just watched (intermittently) Dawn of the Living Dead III (it was on the Horror Channel), I don't ken whaur tae start... :
dialogue - heinous
acting - atrocious
plot - interesting
sets - best thing
action - terrible
tension - zero
gore - 87%

so to sum up:
give a shit factor - 0%

it really was so awful, and Badlander, I now know where you got your original avatar from

Indeed.
I like your review, even if we may slightly disagree on some points. At least I like the spirit.
Back in the day teenage horror movies were sometimes quite fun and entertaining. Not so sure it's still true...
TBH even if I just love Julie as a character, Return of the living dead 1 is probably a much better zombie flick parody.

[markfiend]

man eating sharks

With frickin' laser beams.

[Badlander]

Oh and BTW if you're looking for a killer zombie flick...

[timsinister]

Oh and BTW if you're looking for a killer zombie flick...

How's that for a slice of fried gold?

And just a quick addition...

18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated...in your underwear/most revealing/most likely to be torn clothing.

[James Blast]

from another place (cheers CarlP)
1) The man who gets a birthday cake from his mother in the post (strangely wholly intact having crossed continents to get to the war zone) will not live to eat it.

2) Demolition men are always Polish and probably called Kowalski.

3) Having received a "Dear John" letter from home, the recipient will waste his life in a one man assault on a machine gun nest. But he will succeed in tossing the grenade in, which will have the power of a much larger bomb as dead bodies fly through the air.

And for car chases;

1) Lorries will, at the sound of police sirens, reverse out of alleys.

2) Children will drop balls and rush into the road.

3) Mothers with pushchairs will decide it's time to cross the road.

4) Hubcabs will fall off at corners.

5) There will be a vegetable stall waiting to be demolished.

also

All London windows look out to Tower Bridge from one direction and onto Big Ben from the other, likewise all windows in Newcastle look out on the Tyne bridge.

[Badlander]

All London windows look out to Tower Bridge from one direction and onto Big Ben from the other, likewise all windows in Newcastle look out on the Tyne bridge.

All windows in Paris look out on the Eiffel tower, etc.

[James Blast]

All London windows look out to Tower Bridge from one direction and onto Big Ben from the other, likewise all windows in Newcastle look out on the Tyne bridge.

All windows in Paris look out on the Eiffel tower, etc.

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

[Badlander]

All London windows look out to Tower Bridge from one direction and onto Big Ben from the other, likewise all windows in Newcastle look out on the Tyne bridge.

All windows in Paris look out on the Eiffel tower, etc.

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

It's your fault, James, you drove me to this insane place !

[9while9]

And just to get this thread back on track
Steven Segal is a fat floppy eared git.

[Badlander]

And just to get this thread back on track
Steven Segal is a fat floppy eared git.

I don't see the need for a debate here... Or are there Segal fans out there ?

[timsinister]

And for car chases;

1) Lorries will, at the sound of police sirens, reverse out of alleys.

2) Children will drop balls and rush into the road.

3) Mothers with pushchairs will decide it's time to cross the road.

4) Hubcabs will fall off at corners.

5) There will be a vegetable stall waiting to be demolished.

6. American squad cars have to squeal their tyres at every corner, no matter if they're doing seventy, or seven km/h.

7. Men carrying panes of glass, racks of clothes, or anything else breakable will appear from every direction.

8. Depending on the film, even ageing pedestrians will be able to effortlessly leap out of the way of three cars careening through a shopping mall at an appreciable fraction of light speed. I know there is general disapproval of people getting hit by cars, but this is the generation that grew up with Grand Theft Auto...

[markfiend]

(9) Even when driving in a straight line, the driver will wildly swing the steering wheel back and forth.

[timsinister]

Section 9 Clause 1.1 - The driver can also talk to the passenger for extended periods of time without watching the road, knowing full well that no matter what he does to the wheel, it will not affect the course of the car!

[markfiend]

Section 9 Clause 2: The scenery passing by

• Will appear to travel at different speeds depending on whether the driver or passenger is shown.
• If in New York will invariably include the Brooklyn Bridge as part of the route, especially if the Brooklyn Bridge would be entirely unnecessary for that route in the real world