17/08/06 monkey

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Pista
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THE SMART MONKEY

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it
the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps up on the pool
table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender
screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just swallowed the cue ball off my pool table!", says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little
bugger. I'll pay for the cue ball and other stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill and
leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink
and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink,
the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up hiss ass, pulls it
out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he
asks.

"Now what?", responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!", says the
barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but
ever since he swallowed that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
Cheers.
Steve
Just like the old days
TheCureCommunity
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Planet Dave
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:lol:

Right, is it assumed we're all un-PC, open-minded types in here? Excellent...

Two Paddies are knitting cardigans for their unborn grandkids. One says 'I hope mine's a boy, because oi've used blue wool'. The second replies 'I hope mine's a spaz, because oi've fcuked up the arms'.
'What a heavy load Einstein must have had. Morons everywhere.'
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James Blast
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Mod!

Remove the heinous person forthwith! :lol:

It was still a crap joke Dave. :|
"And when you start to think about death, you start to think about what's after it. And then you start hoping there is a God. For me, it's a frightening thought to go nowhere".
~ Peter Steele
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Petseri
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James Blast wrote:Mod!

Remove the heinous person forthwith! :lol:
James,

You must be more specific, you know.
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Planet Dave
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James Blast wrote:Mod!

Remove the heinous person forthwith! :lol:

It was still a crap joke Dave. :|
Oh well, I thought it was ace.

What's red and slides down the window at Harry Ramsdens?

Abortion of chips.

Yeah I know....COAT!
'What a heavy load Einstein must have had. Morons everywhere.'
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EvilBastard
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Q. What's white and sticky and shimmies across the floor?

A. Cum Dancing

[Hold the door, Dave - I'm right behind you]
"I won't go down in history, but I probably will go down on your sister."
Hank Moody
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Ozpat
From the Lowlands
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Location: In the place through which we wander.

EvilBastard wrote:Q. What's white and sticky and shimmies across the floor?

A. Cum Dancing

[Hold the door, Dave - I'm right behind you]
:lol: :notworthy:

I'll be the one walking right in front of you.... :twisted: :wink:
"as we walk on the floodland"
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markfiend
goriller of form 3b
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What's white and sticky and flies across the sky?

The Cumming of the Lord.





The cloakroom's busy, isn't it?
The fundamental cause of the trouble is that in the modern world the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.
—Bertrand Russell
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Izzy HaveMercy
The Worlds Greatest Living Belgian
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Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."

Can you all please move one step forward? I'm coming in too...

IZ.
.
.
For Greater Good - Ambient Music for the Masses...
.
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czuczu
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What do you call a woman who stands like this? /

Eileen

What do you call a woman who stands like this / with spunk on her face?

Come on Eileen

Image
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markfiend
goriller of form 3b
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What do you call two guys hanging above a window?

Kurt 'n Rod.

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The fundamental cause of the trouble is that in the modern world the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.
—Bertrand Russell
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EvilBastard
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Q. What's pink and sticky and slides down the bathroom mirror?

A. Condomsation.

I wish I'd kept my coat on - this line is horrendous
"I won't go down in history, but I probably will go down on your sister."
Hank Moody
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James Blast
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Brer Rabbit and Brer Tortoise are walking in the forest one day when they bump into each other.
Brer Tortoise says "I know you, fluffy tail, floppy ears. You're Brer Rabbit".
Brer Rabbit looks at Brer Tortoise and says "I know you too, scaley heid, nae ears. You're Nicky Lauda"!

no jacket required...
"And when you start to think about death, you start to think about what's after it. And then you start hoping there is a God. For me, it's a frightening thought to go nowhere".
~ Peter Steele
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mh
Above the Chemist
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Right, this guy is driving through Scotland when he sees this absolute vision of a young lady at the side of the road hitching a lift. He pulls over, rolls down the window, and yells "hop in miss!".

Suddenly, a huge burly Jock leaps out of the heather. He's 7 feet tall, sinews like a tree trunk, and carrying a hatchet.

He walks over to the first bloke, grabs him by the neck, and yells "git doon on yer knees an' w--k yersel off!" in his face.

The first bloke intends on living a little bit longer, so he does what he's told.

When he's finished, the Scotsman grabs him by the neck again, and again yells "git doon on yer knees an' w--k yersel off!" in his face.

So this goes on for a few hours. The poor driver has hair spouting out of his palms, urgently needs a visit to the nearest optician, knees like jelly, balls like raisins, and is barely able to keep from collapsing. Once more, the Scotsman grabs him by the neck, and yells "git doon on yer knees an' w--k yersel off!" in his face.

So the driver says: "No. Enough. Kill me, I've had enough, there's nothing left".

To which the Scotsman replies: "Alreet, noo ye can gi' ma daughter a lift tae Aughtermuchty!".
If I told them once, I told them a hundred times to put 'Spinal Tap' first and 'Puppet Show' last.
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James Blast
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after that one Michael, I award you this coat:
Image
;D
"And when you start to think about death, you start to think about what's after it. And then you start hoping there is a God. For me, it's a frightening thought to go nowhere".
~ Peter Steele
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scotty
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James Blast wrote:Brer Rabbit and Brer Tortoise are walking in the forest one day when they bump into each other.
Brer Tortoise says "I know you, fluffy tail, floppy ears. You're Brer Rabbit".
Brer Rabbit looks at Brer Tortoise and says "I know you too, scaley heid, nae ears. You're Nicky Lauda"!

no jacket required...
:lol: I heard that as:
Joan Collins goes to her Plastic Surgeon for a .......eh.......ahem, Vagina tuck :oops: , when the operation was over and the ...............surplus? :oops: :D skin had been removed from said anatomical region, the Surgeon turned to one of the Nurses and said, "Can you phone Nikki Lauda and tell him I have his new Ears" :oops:

Anyway
Being brave is coming home at 2am half drunk, smelling of perfume, climbing into bed, slapping the wife on the arse and saying,"right fatty, you're next!!"
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EvilBastard
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scotty wrote:"Can you phone Nikki Lauda and tell him I have his new Ears" :oops:
Weird - when I heard it Simon Weston was the aural recipient.
"I won't go down in history, but I probably will go down on your sister."
Hank Moody
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Planet Dave
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Tasteless is the new PC. Funny as fcuk.

Loved the Sun headline the other year after an F1 driver had a bit of a crash...

'Diniz In The Oven'.

:lol: :notworthy:
'What a heavy load Einstein must have had. Morons everywhere.'
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EvilBastard
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Q. What do you call a hundred epileptics in a lettuce patch?

A. Seizure Salad.
"I won't go down in history, but I probably will go down on your sister."
Hank Moody
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MadameButterfly
HL's mystical safekeeper
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Joined: 12 Jul 2005, 09:29
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But, but, I like salad, lettuce with salt please!


"Oh honey?"
"........." says honey,
"Yes, yes I'm just finishing my post on HL"
"........." says honey,
"ok luv, I'm cumming!"

;D
it's all about circles and spirals
that ongoing eternity
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James Blast
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TMI Debs! :eek:
"And when you start to think about death, you start to think about what's after it. And then you start hoping there is a God. For me, it's a frightening thought to go nowhere".
~ Peter Steele
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Planet Dave
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EvilBastard wrote:Q. What do you call a hundred epileptics in a lettuce patch?

A. Seizure Salad.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :notworthy:

I'll gladly fetch your coat for you for that one.

@ Debs - cripes, steady. :eek: :lol:
'What a heavy load Einstein must have had. Morons everywhere.'
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